There’s been a little debate that’s been raging in one of the posts I put up a few days ago, and while I have no forum (yet), I thought necessary to respond to this comment made by our resident Christian, Brandon.

Michelle, Those “myths” in Genesis match the order in which scientists tell us the earth, the moon and everything on the earth were formed.

Please give me evidence to prove otherwise.

I’ll proceed to dissect Genesis to show just how pathetic the scientific knowledge of a primitive desert tribe really was. We’ll start with the first 4 days of creation. This was actually part of a project I called “The Good Atheist Annotated Bible”. Let me know what you guys think:

1:1 In the Beginning God created the heaven and the earth

Ok, not a bad beginning, but obviously it’s a little bit confusing for you. You thought it started out with some king of light, or something related to the Big Bang maybe? Yeah, not so much. Even at the very beginning, it doesn’t sound like anything a scientist would say when describing the birth of the universe. We’ll get to the light part soon (which will show you how much “science” there really is in this thing), but for now I have to say I’m fairly unimpressed with this character so far. He begins by creating a tiny, insignificant planet, and follows this master stroke by immediately building some imperceptible magical fun land where he supposedly lives. It kind of like building your house and then building a little doghouse on the side even before you get a puppy.

According to Professor Ellen van Wolde, a respected Biblical scholar, there is a mistranslation from the Herbre word “bara” which should have made it “In the Beginning God separated heaven and earth”. If that’s true, it makes the whole “build your house and doghouse right after” beginning less than stellar.

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

Is he surfboarding here? Did God finish building his magical play land and decide he needed to hang ten?

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light

So is this the point in the Bible you think might be a parallel to the Big Bang or something? Was it after the Earth was created or before God was surfing on it? It’s almost freaky those millions of priests never really figured out the Big Bang with such an obvious clue…

1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

Here we have God boasting about his achievement, presumably to himself. I guess you can create something without seeing it, but the only activity where that happens is when I shit, so I’m going to have to assume that God shit out light, turned around, saw it was very good, and then went about separating it from darkness. No offense, but it just seems like darkness and light don’t really need any help separating. They seem to do it just fine on their own.

1:5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Yeah, after naming something, I’m usually pretty tuckered out myself. So, this is the first day, and so far no a lot has happened, but he’s got 6 more, so we’ll let him finish up the others before we really start judging his performance.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

It’s the beginning of the second day, and again God is still just entirely focused on Earth here. It’s another fairly mediocre start. So far the Universe consists of heaven, some light, and now a planet that finally has some dry land.

1:7 And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

If you are wondering why they feel the need to practically repeat themselves here, it’s just because they want presumably to avoid making him seem like a laborer of some sort. God doesn’t “do” anything. He likes to say shit, and then things just happen. It makes him look more regal and less servile. That’s a PR job right there. Here he commands land, which was previously under the water, to float to the top. So basically, ancient Jews believed that the earth was just a large landraft floating on a body of water. They go into more hilarious detail of their vision of the Earth later, as we’ll soon see.

1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Is he creating heaven again?

1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

So now he needs to separate the land and the waters again for some reason. He doesn’t seem to really understand how the planet is actually formed, but that’s not unusual for a group of nomadic desert people living thousands of years ago to have a level of scientific knowledge comparable to a 3 year old.

1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

Here he is looking back at his creation, really breathing it in there. He’s thinking to himself “what a fantastic job”. And for what? Day two and he seems about as efficient as a government employee.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

So far we don’t even have a sun, and already God is busy making grass, trees, wheat and a bunch of stuff human beings can eat. The authors seem especially fond of seeds, which I’m sure back then was like talking about diamonds. When food is your main concern, each fruit seed is a chance to not die of fucking starvation. So obviously, these writers might be a little seed happy. Just saying.

1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day

It’s the third day, and even now there are no stars, no galaxies, no other planets. There isn’t even the Sun yet, and somehow God is all tuckered out. He has to be the laziest cosmic laborer ever.

1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years

So now finally we get a bit of action here. God supposedly creates all the tiny lights in the sky as a way for people to read signs. Astrology was the latest fashion back then, so if you didn’t have a crazy nutjob yelling out some stupid absurdities based on all the blinking lights in the sky, you couldn’t be a half decent empire. Christians now don’t like astrology very much, but it’s a pretty big part of their history, and we’ll be referencing it pretty extensively in some of the later chapters. Rest assured: they thought it was pretty cool back then.

1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

Yes, we know he made the stars, it’s mentioned twice, since the writers can’t seem to decide what stars are supposed to be for. If you think about it from their limited perspective, the actually purpose for stars must have seemed pretty confusing. They didn’t seem to do anything, and if they did, it usually scared the crap out of people.

1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Here he makes the Sun, and since the authors of the Bible were essentially scientifically retarded, they actually think the moon generates its own light. To be fair, a lot of kids ask this kind of question. You would be shocked by how few parents know the answer, or believe in something similar.

So far we’re only at day 4 and there’s nothing even remotely close to anything resembling the picture of the Universe we have now thanks to modern science. Discuss!