I hope you have your goatskins ready for the festival of health and fertility, everyone! It’s time to honor Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled Remus and Romulus (no, not the Star Trek planets) when they were abandoned orphans. To properly celebrate, be sure to have 2 dogs and a goat ready to be slaughtered with a knife, and when someone wipes the blade still fresh with their blood on your forehead, remember that you’re expected to laugh and smile. I don’t want to see any frowns, people!

Of course if that’s a bit too morbid for you, you can always celebrate the Christian holiday that was meant to replace it: St. Valentine’s Day, named after several saints who were martyred. Of course, rather than celebrate the execution of deluded idiots, you can instead cater to the gods of the greeting card industry and succumb to the societal pressure of doing something romantic with your girlfriend. If it makes you feel any less bitter, you never really had a choice anyway, man.

For the rest of you single guys and girls, I suggest you forget about this yearly reminder of your romantic inadequacy and instead focus on finding some dogs to ritualistically slaughter…