You know what I love? I love it when I’m at the office, and someone vaguely familiar with their religion decides that it’s their duty to try and convert me to whatever bullshit they believe in at the time. Yes, there’s nothing in this world I love more than watching these people squirm when you start asking them questions their priest never really prepared them for. What’s the deal with Jesus and his intense racism? Why did he say he would return before his followers died, only to be a literal no show for over 2000 years?
Of course, most Christians have never met a guy like me. They’re convinced the message of Jesus is so good, that all you need to do is show up with a smile, a Bible, and a friendly “let me tell you about my pal Jesus” and presto, instant Christian.
How else can you explain this rather trite bit of advice on how to witness to coworkers, courtesy of Focus on the Family. The problem is, the act of proselytizing in the age of information is not an easy task. You see, the Internet is filled with annoying things like facts which tend to contradict fairy tales made up by ancient desert nomads.
Let’s examine just how helpful their advice really is, shall we?
1. Believe that God wants to save your co-workers.
In other words, convince yourself that your meddling in other people’s lives is something your imaginary friend wants, no matter how annoyed and angry they might be.
2. Be a good employee.
Does that count not spreading your nonsense bullshit to coworkers who know a lot more about your own stupid religion than you do? Usually, good workers don’t invite conflict by bringing religion in the fucking workplace, but I digress.
3. Think like a missionary.
In other words, be relentless about your message. Even if you’re on vacation, at work, hanging out with friends. Hell, you should even witness to someone peeing next to you in the urinal, because there’s nowhere Christ doesn’t want you to be pimping his totalitarian message, regardless of the general hostility towards it.
4. Fill in the gaps.
That means witnessing to people during what little time they have to take a break and relax from having to listen to annoying people talking to them all day long about shit they don’t really care about.
5. Put the Gospel to work for you.
Do you wonder why you don’t share the Gospel more than you already do? If every word out of your mouth isn’t serving Jesus, what fucking good are you?
6. Don’t forget to actually share the Gospel.
Yeah, don’t forget to read only the parts that you think they will enjoy, like this one from the Gospel of John:
“He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.”
Who isn’t going to listen to a positive, loving message like that, right?
7. Trust God with the results.
You might get a little discouraged as you continue to alienate your coworkers, but fear not, for you must trust, without any evidence whatsoever, that what you are doing is for their benefit. After all, some guy told you that same shit a long time ago before you really knew any better. These people may not have had the chance to have their minds properly shackled to whatever limited ideology you espouse. Poor them!
That’s it folks; all you need to know to spread ignorance, fear, and submission to authority is contained right there. So, what are you supposed to do when someone throws an uncomfortable fact in your face, like the lack of consistency in the Gospels, the provincialism of their supposedly all powerful deity, or even the fact that their God couldn’t even fucking read or write? Trust that the problem lies with you, and not the fact that a bunch of ignorant sheep fuckers felt it was their divine right to slaughter the indigenous people of ancient Palestine. But hey, the stories make you feel all fuzzy and warm inside, so they must be true, right?