I know what you’re thinking: “Jacob, how do I stop aliens from kidnapping me and constantly raping my poor anus with their probes?”. Well, after searching long and hard (and by that I mean someone sent me a link), I think I’ve found the solution for you: build your own anti-spaceman helmet. If you visit StopAlienAbductions.com right now, you’ll get a number of important tutorials on how to build a crappy looking helmet that will let everyone know you haven’t been taking your medicine again:

The thought screen helmet scrambles telepathic communication between aliens and humans. Aliens cannot immobilize people wearing thought screens nor can they control their minds or communicate with them using their telepathy. When aliens can’t communicate or control humans, they do not take them

I guess they usually like to talk to their victims before they probe them. Makes sense to me! But what about this nagging feeling I have that I’m actually mentally deranged and should consult a doctor?

Aliens will try to stop you from wearing the helmet both mentally and physically. Remember that they can read your mind. Before you make one they may try to influence you that you don’t need one.

Well, that kind of takes care of any doubt you might be having, doesn’t it? You should take care never to leave your helmet just lying around, because…

If you are not wearing a hat they will go through your entire house looking for them. They will not, however, go into a locked cabinet. Before you make a helmet have some kind of cabinet or trunk that you can lock. That way they won’t take it…Aliens are unfamiliar with locks and the concept of a lock.

Sure, they might have the ability to travel thousands of light years, but their sophisticated level of technology is no match for a simple lock! If that doesn’t work, you can try dousing yourself and your possessions in perfume. They apparently also can’t stand the stuff.

Still not convinced? What about these powerful testimonials?

“The Thought Screen Helmet is working perfectly. I have not had contact with the aliens since I first started using it. Though twice now coming back from work, I have noticed lights following to the rear of my car, so now I take the helmet with me in the car in case I am abducted. “

Wow, lights following the rear of your car while driving on the road at night? Talk about creepy!

“I want to thank you and thank Jesus. The helmet works. …I don’t feel alone any more.”

If you are alone because you’ve scared everyone away with your wacky hat, that’s kind of a normal feeling, actually.

Well, I’m convinced. Time for me to get some materials and enjoy a life free of alien abductions (and friends)!