The election may be far away, but American politicians seeking the highest office usually spend months, sometimes years trying to get the support and (more importantly) the funding to make it happen. Michele, aware that the list of presidential candidates is weak enough to allow her a chance of victory, is busy making pledges she hopes will attract that massive segment of the American population that still hates gay people.

To facilitate this, she’s signed a pledge by an ultra-conservative organization called “The Family Leader” to fight against the “evils” of man on man love.

Here’s a breakdown of her pledges.

1. Slavery was bad, but at least those black kids born back then were raised in two parents homes [NOTE: are they suggesting things were better for black kids back then?].
2. Kids of single parents are more likely to be criminals [NOTE: Especially in Michele’s safety-net free future].
3. Divorces are on the rise, and all those shattered families are costing make-believe number 112 billion dollars
4. The social safety net of women and children is eroding due to homosexuality [NOTE: Isn’t this the party that wants to destroy all social programs?].

So as a result of these “facts”, Michele has vowed to do the following if the American people collectively lose their minds and elect her president. Those vows include:

1. She vows to be faithful to her husband.
2. She promises to respect the marriages of others, so long as it’s heterosexual [NOTE: She didn’t before?].
3. She vows to be faithful to her own unique interpretation of the Constitution.
4. She vows to oppose gay marriage and other non-traditional unions.
5. She promises to get rid of marriage benefits to “quicky” divorces.
6. She vows to protect soldiers from the unwanted advances and potential raping by their fellow gay soldiers.
7. She wants all married heteros to have as many kids as possible.
8. She rejects Sharia Law.
9. Make all porn ILLEGAL [NOTE: She must be destroyed…].
10. She promises to “downsize” government where it suits her to save money, but makes no mention of reducing the nearly 1 trillion dollars spent annually on defense [NOTE: Say goodbye to any social program of merit if she’s elected].
11. She promises to “fiercely” defend a person’s religious freedom against “attack” [NOTE: She probably means criticism].

There you have it folks: for a segment of your population, this bigot is the next president. Does it matter that she represents everything that is wrong with America [poor understanding of history, extreme religiosity, latent bigotry, racism, jingoism, and hyper conservative]?