If you’ve ever wondered if it’s better to attend church Sunday morning to listen to the sermons of some out-of-touch old white dude rather than heading over to the local strip joint to watch some nubile young lady shake her ton-tons, you might be interested to know the latter is not only more enjoyable, it’s also a lot safer. The NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research in Australia recently released a report that showed churchgoers were more likely to get assaulted, robbed, threatened and sexually assaulted than their voyeuristic counterparts.

In other words, the image of churches as “safe havens” is most certainly just a good P.R. campaign, since they can’t seem to stop attendees from committing a whole range of petty crimes. Unlike strip clubs who have muscular bouncers to kick your ass out, the worst thing a preacher can do is throw some holy water at you. So scary!

As a finally note, the “donations” I keep leaving at the strip clubs doesn’t go to help defend priests from prosecution for the rape and abuse of children. Instead, all that money probably going towards a new boob job, and that’s something we can all celebrate, no