Oh Ted, when will you stop living an atrocious lie. The former pastor, disgraced after he was caught doing meth with a gay prostitute (who made a killing selling a book about the affair), now claims he’s really just bisexual in an interview with GQ magazine. Although he might be telling the truth, I find it far more likely poor Ted is busy trying to reconcile his latent homosexuality with the fact he’s married, has children, and devoted his entire life to a book that condemns his sexual orientation.

He also claimed the Bible says homosexuality “is not God’s best plan for people”. That’s just a more diplomatic way of again making gays and lesbians feel as though their sexual orientation is a choice rather than something they are born with.

I’ve got a piece of advice for you Ted, but you’re not going to like it. Abandon your shitty religion. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better once you stop trying to reconcile your beliefs with your need to masturbate other men for pleasure. You’ll stop torturing yourself for being born with a craving for muscle instead of fatty mammary glands. Don’t forget Teddy, the same book that says homosexuality is a sin also says you should stone people who work on Sunday and kids who talk back. Is that really the best guide for modern living?