I don’t read the National Post very often. I find their brand of economic and social conservatism makes them the “Fox News” of Canadian newspapers. In keeping with their conservative roots, an article was recently published called The Bible: a book for all seasons, where the author argues that “The Good Book” is a timeless tome suitable for all ages. He suggests which parts of the Bible to read (depending on your age), with the flawed assumption that there is anything to really learn from reading this dusty, morally ambiguous tome.

I think his funniest suggestion is for teenagers to read the story of Job. In case you’ve never read it, the story goes something like this: God’s favorite human is Job, who is a great worshiper (making the necessary sacrifice of innocent animals to appease his jealousy), but the Devil and he disagree as to how loyal Job really is. So, for the purposes of settling a cosmic bet, God allows the Devil to completely fuck Job over. His house is destroyed, his wife and children are all killed, he loses all his belongings and his physical health deteriorates. Job is not angry about this, but asks God why he has done such a thing. His (supposedly) wise response is “Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth?”.

I guess if you have some rebellious teenagers, the story of Job represents every parents’ response whenever confronted with a question they can’t answer: I made you, and you’d better listen to everything I say. That’s right kids, your parents are vengeful gods that you must eternally listen to and admire. Yeah, truly this is a book for all ages!

I think with all the millions of great books humans have written over the many centuries since the invention of the printing press, we can do a little better than that, wouldn’t you agree?