A senior official at the Vatican is urging Christians to have more children, in light of the fact Muslims have, on average, more kids than their Catholic counterparts. They are visibly nervous over the prospect of the religion overtaking Christians in terms of sheer numbers, and they believe more warm bodies are needed to counter this.

I actually have a simpler idea that will help everyone. It’s a well known fact if you want to stop people from breeding, you need to educate them; in other words, to get people to stop fucking, put a damn book in their hands. It’s not rocket science, people.

If the church is serious about this, I think they should offer some financial incentives to their flock. Give them a bunch of money for having kids, or offer some sweet prizes, like the finger of Francis of Assisi for anyone that has 20 kids or more! If you want people to face more poverty and strife just so your numbers look more impressive, you’re going to have to be creative!