It used to be you only needed to warn your kids not to trust strangers trying to lure them into their vehicles for fear they might be kidnapped. Now parents in Colorado Springs have to worry about the Cornerstone Baptist Church luring their kids inside their creepy vans in order to baptize them. That’s what nearly happened to a 7th grader at Russell Middle School. Administrators immediately sent a warning out to parents to remind their kids that religious nutballs are scary and should be kept at a safe distance.

Personally, I find this almost as funny as hearing about Mormons baptizing the deceased. Do these clowns not realize a baptism is merely a symbolic gesture on the part of believers? If there really was a rule that every human who wanted to go to heaven was required to have water splashed on their face by a dude in a costume, how stupid would that be? Oh wait, the whole idea of heaven is pretty stupid, isn’t it?

Also, how desperate is this church for new members? I’m pretty confident parents would not respond positively to a their kids being temporarily abducted in order to perform a weird religious ceremony. Just a thought.