Oh Florida, do you always have to ruin everything? Republicans in the state shaped like a diseased penis are fighting to keep a strange, antiquated law from being eliminated since it technically classifies any unmarried persons living together as criminals. “Cohabitation” is a second class misdemeanor, carrying fines and up to 2 months in jail. As you’ve probably guessed by now, this ridiculous law dates back to the 19th century, and in an effort to jump forward 200 years Rep. Ritch Workman (R) is trying to repeal it. He’s meeting some heavy resistance from his own party, as members are hesitant to “…give up on monogamy and a cultural statement that marriage still matters”.

Basically, these Republicans don’t want to make any move that might give gays the impression that they approve of their “lifestyles” (honestly guys, I think they get it). And just when you think calling them out on their bigoted bullshit might be the solution, a new defense is invented: calling someone a bigot, according to former US senator Rick Santorum, is itself an act of bigotry. “Don’t point out the fact that I hold hateful archaic views,” they say, “because it hurts my feelings when you do that”. Wow.

As if that didn’t break the meter off your insanity monitor, another Floridian is busy ensuring a steady supply of crazy. “Pastor Mike“, a self described Internet troll who fancies himself a minister, finally got someone’s attention when he suggested that “open atheists” should be registered in a manner familiar to sex offenders. He started rattling a few cages when he began sending out a bunch of emails asking “real Christians” to help form a kind of registry. Even his fellow believers thought the idea was nuts, and despite his best efforts to try and hide his shame, the Internet rarely forgets. He’s since tried to defend the idea, and wonders why any non-believer would be offended. Try reading a history book instead of just the Bible Mikey, and you might find out why.