Here’s what’s fucking scary about believers: some of them take it so seriously that concerns over their own well-being is secondary. For true believers, a tiny bunk-bed, barely enough food to subsist, and countless hours spent trying to recruit new zombies isn’t a chore; it’s a calling, baby!

It is how a pathetically small church, with the hilarious acronym of IHOP (International House of Prayer, not Pancakes) went from 20 members to tens of thousands in just 12 years. They recruit ferociously, and they aren’t afraid of using fiery rhetoric to get their point across. Take the sermon of their fearless leader, Mike Bickle, who is convinced the End times are upon us. And who is Anti-Christ in his “ready for Rapture” world? Why, it’s Oprah Winfrey, of course!

“The Harlot Babylon is preparing the nations to receive the Antichrist. The Harlot Babylon will be a religion of affirmation, toleration, no absolutes, a counterfeit justice movement. They will feed the poor, have humanitarian projects, inspire acts of compassion for all the wrong reasons. They won’t know it, beloved they will be sincere, many of them, but their sincerity will not in any way lessen the impact of their deception. The fact that they are sincere does not make their deception less damaging.

I believe that one of the main pastors, as a forerunner to the Harlot movement, it’s not the Harlot movement yet, is Oprah. She is winsome, she is kind, she is reasonable, she is utterly deceived, utterly deceived. A classy woman, a cool woman, a charming woman, but has a spirit of deception and she is one of the clear pastors, forerunners to the Harlot movement.”

I’m going to assume here he’s referring to the “Whore of Babylon” who is supposed to be riding a seven headed beast (remember the trippy shit that is the Book of Revelations?) Just a little word of advice for you, Mikey: can you pick someone that people actually want to sleep with? That is kind of the idea, dude.

Now the kingdom of Babylon has been extinct for over 2000 years, so in response to this, Christians believe that a “spiritual Babylon” still exists. As you might expect, this little word game helps them avoid having to deal with the fact the ancient Akkadian empire collapsed long after it failed to fulfill the prophesy. Hey, a little thing like reality isn’t going to stop them from feverishly anticipating the destruction of all mankind, right?

So, I guess the one thing we can know for sure is that if Oprah is the Antichrist, then EVERYBODY GETS A NEW CAR!!!!