After the first day of indecision, an old, antiquated bunch of clowns dressed in silly costumes finally elected their new infallible leader: Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina. His new name, Francis the First, is in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, the guy who renounced wealth in order to feel more connected to the poor. Now you might think it’s a little ironic that a man sitting on 50 billion dollars and eating on gold plates should give himself such a name, but to be fair, Assisi did start out rich, so I’m sure this ‘humble’ servant of God will too, right?

Unsurprisingly, Cardinal Bergoglio is the kind of Pope you would expect a group of repressed, self-hating homosexuals to elect: despite his statements that gays should be treated with respect, he nevertheless is of the opinion that adoption by gay parents is child abuse. This kind of indefatigable respect notwithstanding, it was a brilliant move by the church to finally elect someone who comes from a country where people actually give a shit about Catholicism, and the Pope in general. Survey after survey in industrialized nations have shown no modern Catholic actually gives a flying fuck what the Pope says, since like every other religious believer, they simply pick and choose which parts of the Bible they like and want to follow.

As for the rest, we just need to wait a little longer until some other fucking scandal breaks and more insane news comes out, say, like the church owning one of Europe’s most prominent (and I’m assuming steamiest) bathhouses.