After the first day of indecision, an old, antiquated bunch of clowns dressed in silly costumes finally elected their new infallible leader: Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina. His new name, Francis the First, is in honor of St. Francis of Assisi, the guy who renounced wealth in order to feel more connected to the poor. Now you might think it’s a little ironic that a man sitting on 50 billion dollars and eating on gold plates should give himself such a name, but to be fair, Assisi did start out rich, so I’m sure this ‘humble’ servant of God will too, right?

Unsurprisingly, Cardinal Bergoglio is the kind of Pope you would expect a group of repressed, self-hating homosexuals to elect: despite his statements that gays should be treated with respect, he nevertheless is of the opinion that adoption by gay parents is child abuse. This kind of indefatigable respect notwithstanding, it was a brilliant move by the church to finally elect someone who comes from a country where people actually give a shit about Catholicism, and the Pope in general. Survey after survey in industrialized nations have shown no modern Catholic actually gives a flying fuck what the Pope says, since like every other religious believer, they simply pick and choose which parts of the Bible they like and want to follow.

As for the rest, we just need to wait a little longer until some other fucking scandal breaks and more insane news comes out, say, like the church owning one of Europe’s most prominent (and I’m assuming steamiest) bathhouses.

OK, so remember how the US finally jailed their first priest for covering up sexual abuse? We all felt as though this was a positive sign of things to come, didn’t we? Well, as great as that felt, it seems as though justice is slow in coming to the Vatican. Jailing the Pope’s butler for leaking damning memos demonstrating the extent of corruption is a bigger priority for these fuckers.

Pope Benedict XVI’s butler will be tried on an aggravated theft charge over the leaking of hundreds of secret papers from the pope’s personal apartment to an Italian journalist, a Vatican spokesman said Monday.

The butler, Paolo Gabriele, acted out of a desire to combat “evil and corruption everywhere in the Church,” according to a prosecutor in the case.

And what kind of reward do you get for trying to fight corruption in one of the oldest organizations in the world? Why, a possible 6 years in jail, that’s what!

The Vatican has promised a ‘public trial’, but it’s already pretty messed up that as a semi-sovereign state (with no actual official status) it can send their own people to jail for having the guts to try and do something about all the evil shit the Vatican does.

I do hope it’s public, since these morons don’t seem to realize the rest of the world is taking Paolo’s side. I can’t wait until you jail this man and show the world what a corrupt, malignant organization you are…

It was only a matter of time before the millions of African men, women, and children slowly dying of AIDS would shame the Catholic Church into changing its stance on condom use. In a new book set to be released, based on conversations with the Pope, Benedict said in some cases, using a piece of rubber on your dick would not make God angry.

When he was asked if his church was against condom use, he said:

“It of course does not see it as a real and moral solution. In certain cases, where the intention is to reduce the risk of infection, it can nevertheless be a first step on the way to another, more humane sexuality.”

If you’re wondering why a sexless adult should have anything to say about sexuality, remember that the ‘humane’ interpretation of sexuality usually involves not having any. St. Paul was famous for his hatred of sexuality. As far as he was concerned, it was far better never to have sex than procreate. He saw celibacy as more pure, more divine. This sick attitude towards sex has since infested our world and made masturbation, one of life’s few enjoyments, a sin.

All of this is coming way too late. The majority of Catholics have been pro-birth control for a while now, and as usual, it’s the top brass who are late to the reform party. How many millions of people died needlessly because of some bullshit interpretation of Onan jizzing on the ground? How many unwanted babies were aborted, with their mothers bleeding to death in back alleys because of the church’s stance on contraception? Fucking ridiculous.

But wait, there’s more!

His language in attacking the use of recreational drugs in the West and its impact on the rest of the world is particularly striking.

Do they have to ruin everything that’s fun?

Pope Benedict XVI, a celibate man who controls a vast fortune and an army of delusional homophobes, has criticized Americans for granting all their citizens the same rights in the state of Maryland.

“He added that the traditional family and marriage had to be “defended from every possible misrepresentation of their true nature” because, he said, whatever injured families injured society.

So many ruined lives because gays are marrying one another! Think of all those poor heterosexuals who have to live knowing that somewhere, out there, a gay person is having gross butt sex with another man. Can’t you understand that families can’t possibly survive this “assault”?

Benedict called on American bishops to continue their “defense of marriage as a natural institution consisting of a specific communion of persons, essentially rooted in the complementarity of the sexes and oriented to procreation”.

If you aren’t straight and fucking to produce children, you’re sinning against God! It’s that simple folks. You see, once upon a time, a man named Onan refused to ejaculate in his brother’s widow, and magical sky man killed him instantly for this transgression. Since that day, all sex that isn’t about producing babies makes God angry. Luckily, his sexless avatars are here on earth to ensure that no one is having a good time.

Over the last few years, the Vatican has been busy trying to scoop up any remaining bigots that feel uncomfortable with their own church’s lenient stand on homosexuality. So far, this wedge issue is the Catholic Church’s main focus, and while they’ve made some new friends, their strategy is bound to continue to marginalize this outdated institution. The trend is clear: enlightened societies recognize that same sex attractions are normal. Anyone who wants to continue to preach ignorance and hatred knows where to go…

Over the weekend, the Pope arrived in Germany on a tour designed to try and recruit Protestants and other estranged Christians who have grown tired of their religion’s increasing acceptance of homosexual marriage.

Knowing, too, the value of family and marriage, we as Christians attach great importance to defending the integrity and the uniqueness of marriage between one man and one woman from any kind of misinterpretation,” he said, according to the Associated Press. “Here the common engagement of Christians, including many Orthodox and Oriental Orthodox Christians, makes a valuable contribution to building up a society equipped for the future.”

You wouldn’t want marriage to be “misinterpreted” by allowing your fellow human beings to enjoy the same rights as everyone else, right?. This could send a dangerous message of acceptance and tolerance that the Catholic Church has vowed to combat.

A society equipped for the future – according to these assholes- is one where gays and lesbians are marginalized and clearly not worthy of the same rights as heterosexuals. The Bible tells them so, and even though they’ve chosen to ignore all the other laws that make it a sin to eat bacon or to wear clothing made of two different fabrics, the ones they focus on tend to provide theological justification for whatever ignorant bullshit they’re trying to peddle.

I find it hilarotragic (my new word for anything both tragic and hilarious) that an organization that shelters thousands of child rapists has the audacity to claim to have society’s best interest in mind. I think their long history of repression, abuse and murder severely undermines this idea. I encourage the Catholic Church to keep fighting against the civil rights of gay people; it’ll be just one more reason for people to abandon their fucking nonsense.

When abuse allegations started popping up against the Catholic Church, Germany was one of those countries that, like Ireland, had suffered mightily at the hands of the clergy. When they opened up a hotline for victims of sexual abuse, they received 2700 calls after only 3 days. The Vatican, aware that it’s about as popular as mouth herpes, is setting off to Germany in a vain attempt to discuss how Protestants and Catholics can “work together”. While the Chancellor urged Germans to be wary of the growing “trend” of secularism, the ones with their heads still screwed on tight have decided to boycott the Pope’s visit out of protest that it violates the separation of Church and State in the country. Officials speaking on the behalf of the Vatican had this to say:

“The parliamentarians ought to consider how this will look from abroad,” Walter Brandmueller, who is German, told the mass-circulation daily Bild.

“They’ll boost the image of the ‘ugly Germans,’ which sadly still exists,” the cardinal added.

Yeah, pulling out the Nazi card isn’t the greatest idea when you were willing to forge an alliance with them (also, excommunicating Hitler would be a good start). Besides, why do they always seem shocked when some people don’t feel like going to their little parties? Recall that their current “mascot” sheltered known pedophiles from prosecution (as did his predecessor), and has done nothing to purge the organization of pederasts. What a surprise that no one wants to show them any support.

Here’s the core problem folks: the Catholic Church, more than any other religious organization, seems to have a serious pedophile problem within their ranks. Because of their rather disturbed idea of celibacy and sexual repression, Catholic priests don’t properly develop their sexual maturity, often staying in a child-like state. Obviously it’s not the sole reason the Church has such an infestation, since their strict rules about secrecy is an attractive options for pederasts hoping to avoid jail time. And while the Vatican may deny these allegations, you don’t see any other organization going to the same lengths they do to protect child rapists; withholding evidence, paying off families to stay quiet and moving around offending priests when accusations arise is not the kind of behavior we would tolerate from ANY other private or public institutions. Yet when these same assholes make a trip to a foreign country and get the cold shoulder, they act surprised that not everyone welcomes them with open arms.  The funny thing about people is that they tend to get upset when you start fucking their kids. Go figure!

Can we just jail these fuckers and call it a day already?

The best defense is a good offense, and no one knows this like the Catholic Church. The Vatican is busy trying to get everyone to forget they’ve been raping kids en masse, so they’re going for the same strategy they’ve always employed when things get dicey: Find a scapegoat.

The key to finding a good scapegoat is to first find someone who is less popular than you are. What’s less popular than child molesters? Well, not much really, but it depends on where you live. There’s still one group around the world generally despised for no good reason: non-believers.

Pope Benedict voiced the Catholic Church’s deep concern over “hostility and prejudice“ against Christianity in Europe on Thursday, saying creeping secularism was just as bad as religious fanaticism…The Pope put what the Vatican has termed “aggressive secularism”, such as gay marriage and restrictions on religious symbols such as crucifixes, nativity scenes and other traditions, on the same level as religious fanaticism.

You hear that, gay marriage advocates? You’re on the same level as the terrorist who straps C4 and shrapnel to his body and blows himself up on a bus full of school children! By trying to get the rest of the world to stand by your deep anal dicking, you’ve thrown the whole world in peril, and it could even start a full blown global conflict. These recent attacks on nativity scenes remind me of when those poor girls in Afghanistan had acid thrown in their face for daring to educate themselves. The two are morally equivalent, don’t you know. Seriously, what did that little plastic baby Jesus ever do to you, atheists?

“The same determination that condemns every form of fanaticism and religious fundamentalism must also oppose every form of hostility to religion that would restrict the public role of believers in civil and political life,” he said.

“It should be clear that religious fundamentalism and secularism are alike in that both represent extreme forms of a rejection of legitimate pluralism and the principle of secularity.”

Yes, the Church should know a thing or two about pluralism. Their belief in the supremacy of their own religion has never caused genocide, torture of women, random murder of thousands of Jews periodically in Medieval Europe, and a host of other terrible shit, right? Truly these religious leaders are the guardians of plurality! Secularism has never allowed people of different faith (regardless of how dumb they are) to coexist peacefully. No, for that to happen, we needed monotheistic religions to be in charge.

Seriously, can you fucking believe this guy?