What’s got me riled up today? It could be this recent survey by the Pew forum on Religion and Public life found over two thirds of the adult population of the US believes in angels. And when I say angels, I don’t mean dudes like Metatron who only show up when a deranged father is about to kill his youngest son. No, I’m talking about the kinds that are all over the place, supposedly protecting people. I guess some of them just suck at their jobs more than others.

The article in question goes on to list a number of random, lucky circumstances the people involved have attributed to “miracles”. This one in particular seemed to jump out in terms of stupidity:

He [Hipp] was riding with his wife Penny when he got in a terrible accident.

“Shot the motorcycle up five feet in the air, and catapulted me about 20 feet over in the grass. But Penny was lying in the asphalt,” said Hipp. “By the time I got to her, she had no feeling from the waist down.”

At the hospital, the doctor delivered some terrible news.

“He said, ‘I don’t know if your wife will ever walk again. Her spine seems to be very mangled,’” Hipp said.

Hipp began to pray, then took a leap of faith.

“I probably shouldn’t have done it,” said Hipp. “It wasn’t advisable to do it, but I wanted to see my wife walk.”

He pulled her out of the bed.

“Something supernatural happened when I pulled her off that bed and her foot hit the floor, something happened. She said it was like fire started in her feet, went all the way up her legs, up her back, up her spine, and God healed her,” he said.

This idiot is lucky he didn’t make things worse. The doctors weren’t sure if she could walk, and yet Einstein here (who had already sent her in the hospital in the first place) made her stand up because a fucking voice in his head told him to do it. Would he have thought it was a miracle if his actions had actually prevented her from ever walking again? What about all the people who are stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives? Did their guardian angels fail them, or is it simply some people are just lucky, and others aren’t?

Wait, it gets even lamer than the motorcycle story. Apparently, angels don’t just protect people: they also act as messengers for even the most banal moments:

Years ago, before the age of cell phones, Sue was on her way to a Friday night Bible study. She was going to pick up a young woman in her 20s who just moved into town. The woman lived in a nice area where many rich singles lived. Unfortunately, Sue was running late.

“I said a prayer saying, ‘Please reassure her I’m coming,’” Werner recalled. The woman later recounted that she thought Werner forgot about her. The woman was about to leave but something interesting happened.

“Just at that moment, a brand new, super shiny silver Corvette pulled up with a very tall good looking man got out, walked straight up to her and said, ‘Don’t worry, she’s coming. She’ll be here in a few moments,’” Werner said.

The woman later described that the man and the car simply vanished just as Werner pulled up.

“He didn’t come up and try to pick her up or say ‘Hey, can I help you?’ He didn’t. How did he know I’d be there in a few moments and I was?” Werner asked.

Wow, how inspired! I’m totally convinced now, and it’s a miracle; I’ve lost all desire to make fun of these obviously incorrect fools. Hallelujah!

Look folks, the world would be a weird place if there were NO coincidences or strange occurrences happening at all. I know these experiences can be overwhelming, especially if you’ve been fed stupid ideas like “angels exist” and “God is a bearded old man who loves you”, but you have to stop looking to the supernatural for explanations about the real world. Every time you do, the rest of us feel embarrassed for humanity.