Pope Benedict XVI, a celibate man who controls a vast fortune and an army of delusional homophobes, has criticized Americans for granting all their citizens the same rights in the state of Maryland.

“He added that the traditional family and marriage had to be “defended from every possible misrepresentation of their true nature” because, he said, whatever injured families injured society.

So many ruined lives because gays are marrying one another! Think of all those poor heterosexuals who have to live knowing that somewhere, out there, a gay person is having gross butt sex with another man. Can’t you understand that families can’t possibly survive this “assault”?

Benedict called on American bishops to continue their “defense of marriage as a natural institution consisting of a specific communion of persons, essentially rooted in the complementarity of the sexes and oriented to procreation”.

If you aren’t straight and fucking to produce children, you’re sinning against God! It’s that simple folks. You see, once upon a time, a man named Onan refused to ejaculate in his brother’s widow, and magical sky man killed him instantly for this transgression. Since that day, all sex that isn’t about producing babies makes God angry. Luckily, his sexless avatars are here on earth to ensure that no one is having a good time.

Over the last few years, the Vatican has been busy trying to scoop up any remaining bigots that feel uncomfortable with their own church’s lenient stand on homosexuality. So far, this wedge issue is the Catholic Church’s main focus, and while they’ve made some new friends, their strategy is bound to continue to marginalize this outdated institution. The trend is clear: enlightened societies recognize that same sex attractions are normal. Anyone who wants to continue to preach ignorance and hatred knows where to go…