The San Francisco Chronicle’s website has a hilarious column detailing 19 reasons why God allowed Touchdown Jesus to burn last week. Here’s some of my favorites:

6) The real Jesus of historical record, being a grizzled, husky, musky, dark-skinned Jew with short, curly black hair who rarely showered and smelled of goat droppings and dried sweat, and who had a thing for screaming random prophesies in the streets and talking about doom, fire and the unbearable hotness of Mary Magdalene, well, the real Jesus’ spirit has been quite displeased with being eternally depicted as a pale, soft-focus blond European hippie in bleached-out robes who likes to give lots of there-there-now hugs while watching professional sports. Basta.

10) Word has it the Hustler Hollywood sign sitting atop the adult bookstore across the street from the torched Touchdown Jesus was left unscathed, thus proving (once again) that God really does like porn. And irony. Or just needs a new contact lens prescription.

12) Really, who doesn’t like to watch fundamentalists scurry about in a baffled frenzy, unsure what it all might mean, vowing to rebuild the tacky roadside hellbeast in honor of, well, of not really understanding much about divinity, or art, or how nature works? Not God, that’s who.

13) Thor had had just about enough.

14) Correction: Zeus.