Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Quebec gets a “thumbs up”

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There aren’t a lot of opportunities to be proud of your government these days. As a beleaguered young(ish) male anxious to blame others for his failures, I see every incompetent bureaucratic farce (of which there really are too many to name) and forget that occasionally, they get something right. In this case, it was refusing the appeal of two unnamed parents who wanted their children pulled from a religious diversity class. Claiming that the education of their young ones would crumble their fragile belief structure (they called it “protecting their religious freedom”, a common tactic of today’s fundamentalists), the Catholic parents managed to make it all the way to the Quebec Supreme Court before someone finally called them on their shit: religious freedom has nothing to do with isolating people from other world views. Period.

With everyone’s heads screwed back on, these kids have a chance of actually learning something that isn’t founded on principles set out by a bunch of weird dudes dressed in overly elaborate robes. Who knows, maybe these kids have a chance in a province where 68% of the population believes in Evolution (compared to the national average of 59%).

Who was Cain’s Wife?

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Although he’s one of the most infamous characters in fiction, Cain is still a relatively obscure figure. The Bible seems to make him out as a whiner, jealous and petty, so unworthy of any love that he’s blamed for making crops so damn hard to grow. Once he’s given the infamous “mark” for having committed the first murder, he’s told that he will become a nomad, and like any bad-boy, he does exactly the opposite and settles down in the land of Nod (which is about as real a place as that sounds).

The story doesn’t technically end there, depending on who you ask. There are tons of stories outside the bible that attempt to describe Cain and Abel’s relationship in more detail. This kind of material is called pseudepigrapha, texts which are regarded as false or unverifiable works. It’s basically the first century equivalent of fan-fiction. One of these books is called The Book of Jubilees, sometimes referred to as “Lesser Genesis”. It further elaborates on the sexual relationships between Cain and his sister Awan, and between Seth and his sister Azura. It sounds as enjoyable to read as the many erotic adventures of Kirk and Spock

The story of Cain doesn’t end there. Mormons believe that he made a secret pact with the devil to kill Abel. In the Book of Moses, they form a secret alliance, which helps explain why Genesis specifically mentions Cain’s son Lamech murdering one of his enemies (I just think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree).

Regardless of which particular fairy tale you subscribe to (if you tend to favor this nonsense), Cain’s limited choice of mating partners isn’t a subject most people are comfortable talking about. Incest has largely fallen out of favor, and defending this particular aspect of the dogma is a thankless job. Luckily, Answers in Genesis is always happy to fight the good fight, and they aren’t afraid to try and inject some science in there!

Now it is true that children produced in a union between brother and sister have a greater chance to be deformed. As a matter of fact, the closer the couple are in relationship, the more likely it is that any offspring will be deformed. It is very easy to understand this without going into all the technical details.

Yeah, it’s a good thing they try to avoid the “technical details”, since a gene pool consisting of only two organisms is on the fast track to Extinction-Ville (with a stop-over at Mongoloid-Bay). Don’t let that bother you too much though, since you can always claim some magical mumbo-jumbo helped.

Speaking of mumbo-jumbo, you might like they way they try and explain how these first humans survived the first onslaught of genetic catastrophe: It’s all about sin, you see:

When the first two people were created, they were perfect. Everything God made was “very good” (Genesis 1:31). That means their genes were perfect—no mistakes. But when sin entered the world because of Adam (Genesis 3:6), God cursed the world so that the perfect creation then began to degenerate, that is, suffer death and decay (Romans 8:22). Over a long period of time, this degeneration would have resulted in all sorts of mistakes occurring in the genetic material of living things.

By long they mean around 2,500 years (or about 125 generations), a tiny blip in evolutionary time for such a complex species. Still, you have to admire their attempt to try and maintain their idiotic beliefs in the light of modern genetic evidence. They are sticking with their incest guns, and they are proud of it. “Hell yes, Cain fucked his sister! Didn’t you know that was the thing to do at the time?”

As for all this business about sin being a mechanism of evolutionary pressure, it sounds like a testable theory to me. Under this model of genetic, the more you sin, the crappier your genes. Hey, I wonder what kind of fucked up experimental conditions you would need to test this moronic idea out. I’m laughing just thinking about ’em.

Another reason to love Daniel Radcliffe

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I generally dislike when celebrities try and participate in the political discourse. Sure, I might not mind if someone famous agrees with me on every issue (which has yet to happen), but most of the time, celebrities use the spotlight to demonstrate how little they know about important topics. Such cause célèbre also tend to make them look foolish. Remember Brad and Angelina’s attempt to re-invigorate Louisiana with unusual architecture? After spending millions of dollars, these monstrosities may house people, but they do little to inspire anyone to go back to the Big Easy.

James Dart, a Manhattan-based architect who was born and raised in The Big Easy, labels the houses as “Alien, sometimes even insulting,” adding, “the biggest problem is that they are not grounded in the history of New Orleans architecture,”

It’s great to have your heart in the right place, and Pitt’s foundation Make it Right has built over 70 houses. Was this the best use of these resources however? Would they have done more with the money if Brad didn’t have a love of ghastly architecture?

In light of the fact that I’m just about to contradict myself, I can’t help but find yet another reason to love Harry Potter’s Daniel Radcliffe (apart from him being a fellow “Mega Brow”). His outspoken atheism not-notwithstanding, he’s now come out publicly that he’s changing his political support. He claims that Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democrat government is placating the religious right, especially when it comes to ‘faith schools”.

Radcliffe said that he wished more educational establishments, especially in the US, were not in thrall to religion, stating: “I’m not religious, I’m an atheist, and a militant atheist when religion starts impacting on legislation. We need sex education in schools.

I like the way he doesn’t fear the word militant. I know we hate being compared with our religious counterpart, but I’m far more afraid of how organized and effective the religious right is. So, now you have a few more reasons to like Danny-boy. Do I like him enough to go see his new movie? I may not love him enough…

Connecticut gays are going to need lots of Courage

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When you think of the word courage, what’s the first thing to cross your mind? If you happen to be gay and a Catholic living in Connecticut, that word is about to take on a disturbing new meaning:

The Archdiocese of Hartford, Connecticut, this month is beginning a program that ministers to gays and lesbians…The Vatican-endorsed program, called Courage…was started in 1980 by the late Terence Cardinal Cooke in Manhattan “to form a spiritual support system which would assist men and women with same-sex attractions in living chaste lives in fellowship, truth and love.”

It’s basically an organization that emotionally tortures gays and lesbians into giving up their joy of sex and intimacy because it doesn’t conform with what the Vatican wants.

“These are people in the Roman Catholic Church who need our care and love,” Deacon Robert Pallotti, director of the Office of the Diaconate, told the Hartford TV station. “In some cases, they have been rejected by society. They need to be accepted, affirmed and supported as Roman Catholics trying to remain faithful to church teachings.

Rejected by society, eh? Could that have anything to do with the fact that your organization continues to support the bigoted idea that what they are doing is inherently bad? Remaining “faithful” to Roman Catholic teachings is just a nice way of saying that they don’t want gay dudes fucking each other in the ass anymore.

Honestly, there is no one on this planet that needs the Vatican getting involved in their sex life. They’ve already proven that their sexual philosophies are diseased. While they condemn homosexuality, the Vatican has provided an unprecedented level of financial, legal and emotional support to child rapists. This alone should bar them from the conversation.

The program, ironically called “Courage”, is just another way for a bunch of creepy celibate dudes in robes to try and tell everyone else how to live. I’ll tell you what Courage is: it’s not putting up with deluded assholes who care more about their money, power and interests than they care about human suffering (remember, they actually think that suffering makes you closer to God). Courage is rejecting old dogmas in favor of scientific truth, even when everyone around you still cling to these ancient superstitions. And above all else, Courage is staying true to yourself, no matter what.

Cindy Jacobs “mobilizing” thousands of morons to do nothing

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Mobilizing 10,000 people to pray! Wow, how amazing. Think of all the good you can do by sitting in a dark room and talking to yourself all day.

So, if you want God to interfere with human affairs (and apparently throw this whole “free will” idea out the window when it’s inconvenient), you just need to stop eating for several days, followed by imperceptibly mumbling to yourself. Sounds good to me!

“Imagine with me half a million people praying for a nation.”

Praying for what? The economy to recuperate? For the poor and indigent to finally get their due? Nope. She just wants to get rid of abortion and gay marriage. That’s the kind of priorities you can expect from someone who sits very still and begs their imaginary friend for shit they want.

If TV existed in Biblical Times

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I love the way this video is put together: it combines sharp visuals with brilliant satire. Be sure to read some of the captions at the bottom. My favorite so far is “Paper Just a Fad says Scribe.” Classic.

Spread the word about this video!

Thanks for giving these morons a voice, Internet

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Oh Twitter, sometimes you sap away the only remaining hope I have for humanity. The unfiltered garbage that’s excreted out of the mouths of cretins is enough to drive you mad. Eventually, you reach a threshold of tolerance where it all sounds eerily similar to bees buzzing around. Once in a while, you find a few hot topics that really make our species truly shine, in both verbosity and compassion that one is forced to dig deeper inside of this noise to find out what the fuss is all about. Today’s inanity comes as a reaction to hot hashtag #GodIsNotGreat trending, and some ignorant Christians losing their shit over it. The following is a sample of some of my favorites, with grammar left intact:

Whoever started dis #GodIsNotGreat I will personally beat yu da fuck asswhole…I jus prayed for yu thp

What a nice fellow. I wonder if he’ll also pray to his imaginary friend when he sends some poor kid to the hospital for having a different belief than him.

Whoever made this TT #GodIsNotGreat should burn in hell and yo whole family

So even if this person’s family is religious, this guy still wants them to burn in hell forever because someone dared to talk smack his to sky daddy. Totally reasonable.

#GodIsNotGreat who ever created that trending topic MUST die today!!wt sort of human beings r in here?geeeez

Geeeez, I was thinking the very same thing.

#GodIsNotGreat<——anybody this hateful got to have aids

Anybody that profoundly ignorant has to be a bigot

WHO EVA MADE THIS A TRENIN TOPIC…ILL PERSONALLY KILL EM MYSELF…GOD IS THE BEST THANG EVA MANE…AMEN

God is the best thing ever, therefore I’m going to kill someone in cold blood in his name. Amen!

I seriously wanna kill whoever started the #GodIsNotGreat”

I seriously want to call the fucking police right now

why the fuk is #GodIsNotGreat teending?! GOD IS EVERYTHING YOU SATANIC BITCHES, HE’S THE REASON YOUR BREATHING #ilovegod

If God is everything, does that mean he’s also this extremely hateful tweet? What are the rules in this strange cult of yours?

Good show, guys…

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It’s terrible shows like this that give me hope that not every child is being indoctrinated particularly well. The damage done by these kinds of yahoos seems relatively easy to fix, especially since these clowns can’t manage to keep a bunch of kids interested in their shtick for more than 15 seconds.

If you’re trying to indoctrinate children in your cult, might I suggest the trying the following:

#1: Be prepared
Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they are easy to entertain. Typically there’s a “tone” you have to strike to get their attention. Loud, wacky, animated, and “alive” tend to spring into mind. While this show was plenty noisy, it lacked a coherence that can only come from having actually bothered to write a proper show.
#2: Be animated
It can’t be easy entertaining kids when you’re a million years old. It’s why most pros are young enough to handle all the coke you need to stay energized. If you’ve already got a foot in the grave, this gig may not be right for you.
#3 Avoid creating comic characters with shrill, annoying voices.
Kids are people too, which means they equally hate shrill voices that sound like nails across a chalkboard. Try a friendly, reassuring voice instead of your best Wicked Witch impression.

Christopher Hitchens, we will miss you

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We all knew it was coming, but somehow we had managed to ignore the cruelty of reality for a little while. For a moment there, it almost seemed as though Hitch had managed to defeat his cancer. Unfortunately, life is a cruel bitch that kills your heroes prematurely (it’s true that Jack Daniels and Phillip Morris had done most of the damage, but still). Now, the world is a little duller, a little dumber, and a lot less interesting as a result.

Truthfully, I would be more upset if I hadn’t read his last article. In it, he mentioned that had he known of the pain he would have had to endure to survive the cancer, he would have opted against it. It may sound trite, but there is some evidence to suggest that a person having a REASON to live is often a significant indicator of health. I think it wasn’t the cancer but the pain of the treatment that ended him. That’s the sad truth about cancer; the cure is sometimes worse than the disease.

Don’t plan on being sad for very long though. Your grief will soon turn into anger once you read the inane tweets of men like Rick Warren:

My friend Christopher Hitchens has died. I loved & prayed for him constantly & grieve his loss. He knows the Truth now.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, folks. That tweets comes from an actual friend (despite their obvious differences, they seemed to have gotten along well). How many times are you going to overhear some religious jackass gloating that Hitch is burning in Hell for not believing in their specific nonsense?

Even more frustrating is the fact that there is no simple way to demonstrate the obvious stupidity of their assertion. The specter of death haunts us all equally, but our mortality is the only solid proof Christians need of their sadistic fantasies. It’s like arguing with children.

On a selfish note, I never got to cross “having a conversation with Christopher Hitchens” off my bucket list. I hoped perhaps that some of his brilliance might rub off on me. Now the unique arrangement of neurons that comprised his mind have ceased to function, and this pattern is lost forever. Damn you entropy. Why must you rob us of everything we love?

Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse in Africa

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I’ve written countless articles denouncing these Christian preachers in Nigeria for accusing innocent children of witchcraft; it’s one of the few times I’ve taken a subject so seriously. It isn’t only because of the images of these poor children -victims of a toxic mix of ancient superstition and organized religion – are seared into my brain. No, my passion comes mainly from the fact that this issue has been completely ignored by the mainstream media because of the obvious question it poses concerning Christianity’s influence in the Third World.

These videos are extremely hard to watch. The situation appears to be getting worse as Christianity’s influence grows. When that little girl starts crying when a person nearby admits to wanting to kill her, you’ll find it difficult to wake up happy tomorrow morning.

Atheists on Reddit get it done

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Most of you know that I’m often critical of our community in terms of our charitably, as I’ve complained in the past that many of us are not willing to compete with financially supported organized religions yet. I’m convinced that the only way to fight the evils of religion is to play their game, to some degree. Part of that includes giving money to organizations that make an actual difference rather than offer food, comfort and medical services with strings attached.

Over the years, the Atheism sub-reddit has been growing by leaps and bounds (outnumbering many of the religious sub-reddits many times over), and are over 300,000 subscribers and counting. Compare that to the Christian sub-reddit that has a paltry 19k, and you realize the strong secular leaning of the site. Anyone who visits TGA realizes that I often troll these forums, looking for the latest happenings, rage cartoons and funny pictures from the web (that’s putting it mildly; I’m practically a content thief).

The group will probably grow even more after knocking one out of the park:

Atheist bloggers have shown their charitable side by swarming to donate money to Doctors Without Borders…Thousands more clicked through from the atheism sub-reddit, a site normally given over to finding holes in religions and picking fights with creationists, and headed for a dedicated site at firstgiving.com, where they have so far given $180,000.

Sure makes me look like a jackass for claiming we’re a bunch of cheapskates! I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life.

Student suspended over racist Christmas Facebook rant

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Once upon a time, before Facebook and the Internet, your stupid racist opinions used to only be your own. Because you lacked the ability to instantly communicate with 500 million people, it was unlikely that some poorly constructed half-thought would find its way into the minds of your peers. That’s all changed now, and it seems as though when given a soapbox to express themselves, many human beings are choosing to display their real colors, and the process isn’t always pretty.

Take the recent suspension of young Natasha Burge from her high school in Windsor, Ontario for these comments she posted on her profile:

Natasha Burge, 19, reposted a comment Nov. 3 saying those who feel offended by Christmas celebrations and the singing of the national anthem at school should “please feel free to go back to your own f—–g country.”

Burge goes on to suggest walking through Kennedy Collegiate dressed up as Santa and “screaming merry christmas to the arabs, pakis, towel heads and whatever other race that doesn’t like it.”

“It’s ridiculous. I get suspended over something I believe in — we should be allowed to say, ‘Merry Christmas,’

Yeah, you might have gotten in trouble for saying “Merry Christmas”, although I have this crazy suspicion that your “arab/paki/towel head” comment might have been the real clincher. I guess this racist teen from Ontario doesn’t even realize that telling immigrants that they can go fuck themselves if they don’t like Christmas isn’t the kind of talk that promotes school spirit. Who would have guessed!

Now, some of you might be upset that this girl’s right to free speech has been violated, and feel that what a person writes on their own profile should remain a private matter. I’m inclined to agree, although it’s becoming increasingly clear that our online identities are quickly merging with our physical reality. If the school decides that bigoted, racist or otherwise disparaging comments on Facebook can affect the way their institution operates, it’s rather difficult to argue against it. Kids use Facebook to advertise their interests, their beliefs, and their thoughts. When you choose to make public what you believe, this can have profound consequences. All I can tell you for certain is this perception that your online life is private is quickly evaporating. There may come a time when all that shit talk you’ve been slinging on the Internet might come back to bite you in the ass. Post at your own risk, people!

Michele Bachmann is worried about bestiality

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Remember how American elections are never about issues that are actually relevant to the health of the nation in general? Even while your economy continues to tank, politicians seem totally unconcerned that The Federal Reserve gave American banks over 7 trillion dollars with a negligible interest rate, or that the protracted War in Afghanistan and Iraq has cost them another 1.29 trillion. No, the most important thing for moronic politicians like Michele Bachmann is Congress deciding to remove an outdated military Code of Conduct that forbids uniformed officers from sodomy (that’s non vaginal sex) and fucking animals.

So naturally, everyone without a brain is up at arms that this repeal would suddenly send a message to kids that it’s ok to bang Fido. Here’s Michele’s brilliant argument as to why this issue is so important, and not at all a complete fucking distraction from shit that actually matters:

It’s absolutely abhorrent, reprehensible and you think, this is the kind of thing parents try to keep from their children because parents want to have their children enjoy innocence. Children need that latency period, they need innocence and your own government legalizes this? … Are we really going to say ho hum and laugh and go back to sleep?

I don’t think this woman knows how laws are passed. Repealing an outdated and clearly bigoted code of conduct isn’t the same as drafting legislation to make something legal. That’s alright, though: she’s only running for the highest office in the land! She doesn’t really need to learn any of this legal mumbo-jumbo, does she? Wait, what’s her current job?

The Muppets are brainwashing your kids!

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Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood people? They dare to brainwash our kids with movies depicting oil executives as evil people. Why, that’s just not true! Did you know all oil executives are cuddly teddy-bears that care deeply for the environment and for the future of children? Sure, you might think that these people are leveraging our future in order to make record profits, or that corporations like Shell aren’t afraid of getting mixed up with brutal military juntas that kill anyone that gets in the way of the oil flowing. Those are just nasty rumors propagated by bearded hippies who make sock puppets in an attempt to moralize to our youth.

I love this idea that the Hollywood movie industry “hates” big corporations, despite the fact that the place is run by some of the largest companies on the planet. These are the same people that want to stifle the creativity of the Internet because they are afraid of people downloading their shitty movies for free. Yeah, clearly these guys hate money.