I’m truly honored today. Conservapedia, apparently aware that I was poking fun at their ridiculous “Question Evolution!” campaign, decided to inform me that my objection to their fantasy has something to do with the excessive amount of “sinning” going on at my house. I guess all of those orgies finally caught up with me, huh?
To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m going to go snort cocaine off a prostitute’s chest on a satanic altar…or maybe I’ll just have a beer or something. Either works.
You’re a gay man, unfortunate enough to be born in the insane cult of Orthodox Judaism. One day, you make the mistake of actually telling someone like Rabbi Arele Harel about your sexual orientation and your desire to start a family. His solution, as you might have guessed, is just about the worst idea anyone can have: He sets you up with a lesbian stuck in the same cult:
Potential candidates email Harel, who meets with them to assess if they are emotionally ready to be fixed up. Harel then picks a suitable match and introduces the parties. They are put in touch with therapists who are to assist them in their new life. Once they are married, they each pay around $400 for Harel’s service.
“The main aspiration here is parenthood,” said Harel, 36, from his home in the Jewish West Bank settlement of Shilo. “It allows them to become parents in a way that is permitted by religious Jewish law and prevents a conflict between their religious world and their sexual world.”
Summary: if your sexuality conflicts with your Bronze Age religion, then the problem is you, not your antiquated beliefs. All you need to do sacrifice your happiness and desires in order to fulfill the expectations of your family and friends who can’t accept who you are.
Every once in a while an old article will spring back to life whenever a religious weirdo randomly lands on a page that sends him or her into a wild, nonsensical tirade that gives you but a glimpse into their “unique” minds. Take some choice passages from “Johnathan” who wants to make sure we don’t burn in hell:
Perhaps you should put a nail down, and watch it miraculously spring to life and start “evolving” lol and you claim we’re ignorant?
Not anymore with that kind of logic, I can promise you that!
Little do you know that Satan is firmly steering you.
You so blind you don’t even realize the you have the mark of the beast on you, do you ?
The tattoo dude promised me no one would know about that smurf on my butt cheek… Does this have anything to do with Satan being in the mix?
You know why you atheists don’t believe their is a God? It’s because you haven’t experienced salvation yet. You NEED to be born in spirit to understand things of the spirit.
I agree: a confusing experience really is the only way to gain knowledge about objective reality.
Perhaps you’re not aware that they’ve found remains of the Ark, when the great flood took place? How about the chariots when God destroyed in the dead sea?
That might be because I don’t get my scientific information from a pamphlet.
You are alive but as dead as a door nail. So lost, and it’s sad. Satan was too an accuser of those in heaven just like you lot are.
I think I sound pretty lively for a dude who’s as dead as a door nail.
You have all the fruits the bible states Satan has yet you’re too ignorant to see it. Do you know that the majority of “Christians” have got it wrong today ?
Yeah, I’m aware. Christians can’t stop telling everyone else that other Christians also have it wrong. You all pretend to like each other for our benefit, but we know you secretly loath each other, and we find that hilarious.
The bible teaches us of predestination. And PRAISE GOD Hallelujah that he saved his sheep…Do you know that I’m sent of God ? Do you know that every single one who is TRULY REBORN in JESUS is SENT of Christ ?
I did not know that, although I do have a pretty good idea about where you should be sent next, dude.
Have you ever wondered why you scoff and mock the saints? Hello? What do you get out of it?
Do I wonder why I make fun of guys who dress up in silly costumes, put on pointless rituals and talk to their imaginary friend? Not really something that keeps me up at night…
You see, it’s because you’re still under the authority of your father Satan, who was a liar from the beginning and the father of all lies and deception.
You’ll notice this guy likes to use the word “father” a lot. I have a dad and that’s enough for me, thanks. If you didn’t have one of your own, I might suggest not trying to overcompensate for it.
We that God chose before the foundation of the world, are sent to testify of the mighty and glorious salvation of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and to testify that the works of the world are evil.
Translation: we’re here to shit on everyone’s good time. Got it.
Are you one of the lost sheep? Call to Jesus! Today is the day of salvation , tomorrow could be too LATE! Some of you say “maybe there is a God”
Are you confused about reality? Are you vulnerable to stupid ideas that have no basis in hard fact? Then grab your phone and give us a call! Operators are standing by, and if you call now, we’ll throw in a lifetime supply of guilt and shame, absolutely free!
Let’s so for yourselves I was wrong, I die and that’s it. But if you’re wrong? God banishes you the eternal fire FOREVER! Where you’ll beg! And plead! And cry for mercy but your soul dear friend WILL be cast into the fire ! You won’t come out there ever! God will no longer have mercy on you because you denied the only begotten Son of God, who died for the lost sheep willingly, and was risen back to life and thus overcame and killed sin out our lives! Amen!
With a God this sadistic and cruel, you need an excessive amount of exclamation marks to make your point!
The bible is not religion, it’s FACT, it’s a history book that accounts for all things, the past, the present and the FUTURE! To things currently taking place today, it’s all in the bible.
I guess with that kind of attitude, you’re pretty much guaranteed never to expand your mind beyond the tiny horizon of faith, aren’t you Johnny? Well, it’s too bad. Who needs to be educated when this book predicts that the world is going to end in a sea of blood? Better to buy a gun and wait for the army of Satan to attack, am I right?
Oh Florida, do you always have to ruin everything? Republicans in the state shaped like a diseased penis are fighting to keep a strange, antiquated law from being eliminated since it technically classifies any unmarried persons living together as criminals. “Cohabitation” is a second class misdemeanor, carrying fines and up to 2 months in jail. As you’ve probably guessed by now, this ridiculous law dates back to the 19th century, and in an effort to jump forward 200 years Rep. Ritch Workman (R) is trying to repeal it. He’s meeting some heavy resistance from his own party, as members are hesitant to “…give up on monogamy and a cultural statement that marriage still matters”.
Basically, these Republicans don’t want to make any move that might give gays the impression that they approve of their “lifestyles” (honestly guys, I think they get it). And just when you think calling them out on their bigoted bullshit might be the solution, a new defense is invented: calling someone a bigot, according to former US senator Rick Santorum, is itself an act of bigotry. “Don’t point out the fact that I hold hateful archaic views,” they say, “because it hurts my feelings when you do that”. Wow.
As if that didn’t break the meter off your insanity monitor, another Floridian is busy ensuring a steady supply of crazy. “Pastor Mike“, a self described Internet troll who fancies himself a minister, finally got someone’s attention when he suggested that “open atheists” should be registered in a manner familiar to sex offenders. He started rattling a few cages when he began sending out a bunch of emails asking “real Christians” to help form a kind of registry. Even his fellow believers thought the idea was nuts, and despite his best efforts to try and hide his shame, the Internet rarely forgets. He’s since tried to defend the idea, and wonders why any non-believer would be offended. Try reading a history book instead of just the Bible Mikey, and you might find out why.
September 11th is just around the corner, and this year, Mayor Bloomberg is making sure that no clergymen from any religion are invited to the ceremony. Of course, you have a bunch of cry-baby Christians who are flipping out over this exclusion:
“This is America, and to have a memorial service where there’s no prayer, this appears to be insanity to me,” Rudy Washington tells the Wall Street Journal. “I feel like America has lost its way.”
I agree with you, Rudy. America has lost its way. It used to make provisions to ensure religion didn’t have a special place in government. The founding fathers even made the Establishment Clause the first fucking Amendment in their Constitution. Do you think they felt it was an important thing to mention?
Bloomy’s reasoning is both sound and fair: government is not in the business of picking a religion. In any case, the entire reason this structure collapsed was because of faith, and its non-adherence to reality. Why would you want someone there reminding you of the deadly consequences of blind belief?
I do like the effort by this priest to ridicule creationism in the light of modern science. But while he ridicules these beliefs, he seems completely oblivious to the stupidity of his own dogma. Hey pal, there are some people who believe that a 2000 year old failed Jewish carpenter is actually a God too, and the rest of us think that’s just stupid. We’re glad that you exposed the utter inanity of creationism, but I can see by that collar on your neck that you still have a lot to learn about objective reality (not to mention the fun stuff you haven’t done yet, like shagging).
So, according to this uneducated redneck madman, it doesn’t seem to matter whether or not abstinence works. It’s far more important that due to his old fashioned beliefs, kids should not be taught the safest ways to have sex.
Watch him struggle to answer even the most basic facts concerning the total ineffectiveness of abstinence. Who needs evidence when you have blind belief? Here’s a man so fantastically ignorant, he makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein. America, is it just me or are your political candidates getting dumber by the second? I thought Bachmann was bad. How did you manage to find someone even crazier than that stupid bitch so quickly?
Somebody please tell me that this guy is breaking some kind of bylaw with all this crazy shit on his car…Only 5 Jesus fish on the back? I got 10 bucks that says he has 10 more distributed around this monstrosity he calls a vehicle.
I hope I’m not too anachronistic here, but if you’ll humor me for a second, I think you’ll enjoy spotting the kid in the crowd who quite rightly feels like he’s surrounded by a bunch of childish morons. Stop jumping up and down waiting for your sky-pappy to show up and give you presents and hugs. It’s embarrassing not just to us, but to the human race.
I don’t expect celebrities to be beacons of rational and coherent thought, especially when their claim to fame is a terrible song and an equally terrible TV show. Billy Ray Cyrus was recently interviewed by GQ, and he claims Hollywood has destroyed his perfect family life. He believes the root of all of this evil has something to do with a freeway sign they would pass by on their way to the Hannah Montana studio that said:
ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY
ATHEISTS UNITEDJust before moving out to Los Angeles, the whole family had been baptized together by their pastor at the People’s Church in Franklin, Tennessee. “It was Tish’s idea,” he remembers. “She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…” And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. “A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…”
Yes, the evil influence of Satan has finally compelled atheists around the world to pick up trash and to keep their highways clean! Mighty is the Dark Lord!
I’m going to go out on a limb here, but perhaps the reason his life sucks right now has more to do with the fact he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant, and he pimped out his daughter to the Disney corporation. Of course, that would require him to admit his own mistakes, so it’s easier to blame a bunch of trash picking atheists for all your fucking problems.
I’m beginning to think there are more closeted gay Republicans than there are open Democrat ones, since it seems as though every other day some anti-gay rights crusader gets caught trying to have sex with someone of the same gender. Today’s totally disgraced hypocrite is Indiana State Rep. Phillip Hinkle, who was caught trying to hire a male prostitute on Craigslist.
I say try, since the entire ordeal was just weird, uncomfortable for everyone, and fraught with crazy drama:
The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.
Ok, first lesson is free Phil: if you’ve got a high profile job, don’t cheap out last minute trying to buy someone’s silence. Also, it’s generally a bad idea to give them your fucking cellphone with all your contact information, genius.
Megan Gibson [the sister of the young man] said that on the drive back, she began receiving a series of calls on the BlackBerry, including one from a woman who said she was Hinkle’s wife. “I was like, ‘Your husband is gay,’ ” Megan said.
The wife eventually tried to buy her off for 10 grand (at least someone was thinking straight), but by then the cat was already WAY out of the bag.
So what’s left for this guy? I’d love to believe that perhaps Phil will take this opportunity to embrace his love of cocks and balls and quit living a lie, but by now I think we’re already painfully familiar with how these things turn out: denial followed by admitting to a “moment of weakness” culminating into some kind of “pray the gay away” retreat. Meanwhile, the fact that this hypocrite piece of shit co-sponsored a constitutional amendment to prevent gays from marrying gets conveniently forgotten. Fantastic.
I’ve posted videos from Evid3nc3 before, and loved them all. Be sure to subscribe to his YouTube channel if you’re as addicted as I am.
About 40% of adults in America believe that Adam and Eve existed. This means that almost half of your population is functionally retarded. And you wonder why your economy is tanking…
In an effort not to ignore scientific truth forever, some evangelicals are starting to question the existence of Adam and Eve in order to finally catch up to the rest of us who have embraced the methodology of science. They naively believe -as Francis Collins does- that science and faith are compatible. I’m sure it appears to them this way, but only so long as their cognitive dissonance is in full swing. The twisted logic at work trying to rectify religious believe and the evidence of our evolution is astounding. It’s a step in the right direction, perhaps:
[Brian] Venema is part of a growing cadre of Christian scholars who say they want their faith to come into the 21st century. Another one is John Schneider, who taught theology at Calvin College in Michigan until recently. He says it’s time to face facts: There was no historical Adam and Eve, no serpent, no apple, no fall that toppled man from a state of innocence.
Yeah, if you do that, you have a major problem: without the fall, Jesus’ sacrifice is pointless (well, it was always pointless, but now more so). Original sin is of paramount importance to the faith. Don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of these people starting to accept that our species evolved from other primates. The problem is that they’ve simply refused to accept the conclusion of evolution. Of course, most evangelicals realize that abandoning this dogma would have serious repercussions to their belief:
Albert Mohler, president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, says that rebellious choice infected all of humankind.
“When Adam sinned, he sinned for us,” Mohler says. “And it’s that very sinfulness that sets up our understanding of our need for a savior.”
Humanity “infected” by sin? That’s the Christianity we know and despise. As far as Jesus-lovers are concerned, humanity is a filthy pile of sin that’s barely worthy of God’s love. Only those slavish enough in their devotion to ignore reality can enter super-magic-fun-playland-in-the-clouds when they die. The rest, those unbelievers, will be tortured forever in a lake of fire for denying the divinity of someone who, if they existed today, would be put in a sanatorium. Christianity isn’t really a “people first” doctrine. As far as they are concerned, we’re all pieces of shit that disobeyed God at one time or another and have been punished ever since.
Let me put this another way: if Adam and Eve didn’t exist, then according to a bunch of very sexist Bible-belt assholes, there would be no justification for men ruling over the lives of women. That means that ladies would be able to control not only their own lives, but their reproductive cycles as well. Do you have any idea how terrifying that prospect is for an old white guy?
If you’re like me, you might be wondering what it takes to get arrested on blasphemy charges in the UK (I have a vested interest in this question, after all). Well, not a hell of a lot as it turns out. Last November, Rowan Atkinson (of Mr. Bean fame) did a fairly innocuous sketch on ITV for the Prince of Wales’ 60th Birthday. His act involved dressing as a vicar and making a few milk-toast jokes about Jesus (including one where after turning water into wine, he’s asked if he does kid’s parties).
As a result, the station received over 500 complaints from humorless Christians wishing to use Britain’s pussy blasphemy laws to silence any mockery of their ludicrous beliefs, and because it’s now illegal to “entice religious hatred”, overly sensitive religious rubes can now use the long arm of the law to silence any criticism of their belief. Luckily, he’s been recently cleared of all charges.
This isn’t the first time Rowan has been fighting against this ridiculousness. In 2004, Rowan was battling the Serious Organized Crime and Police Bill that included measures against “inciting religious hatred”:
But Mr. Atkinson and his fellow critics oppose part of the bill which will create a new offence of incitement to religious hatred to protect faith groups, particularly Muslims, from attack.
Mr. Atkinson told a meeting at the House of Commons on Monday night there are “quite a few sketches” he has performed which would come into conflict with the proposed law.
No Shit.
The blasphemy elements were expunged from the bill, but later became “The Racial and Religious Hatred Act” passed in 2006. While the drafters claimed it would only be used to stop people from stirring up religious hatred, it’s instead being used to censor guys like Atkinson who “upset” overly sensitive Christians who can’t bother to defend their beliefs themselves.
Home Office Minister Paul Goggins said: “It is about protecting the believer, not the belief.”
Protect them from what? Reality? Can we stop making it a crime to speak your fucking mind already?
Times are desperate for Christians in the Netherlands. One in every 6 clergymen is either an atheist or an agnostic, so in an effort not to lose his job, the Rev. Klaas Hendrikse has invented a special form of Christianity that:
a. Doesn’t believe Jesus existed historically [the Gnostics beat him to it though]
b. Doesn’t believe in the afterlife [ditto the Jews]
c. Doesn’t believe a God exists at all [that one’s new]
It’s kind of like serving Kool-Aid without any of the flavoring, and then claiming that while the liquid you’re drinking certainly isn’t Kool-Aid, there are a lot of lessons to be learned from our property destroying friend, Oh Yeah! Of course, the difference here is that the Kool-Aid Man (who now wears pants, btw) only condones slavery to flavor, not human beings. He is also, judging by his new digs (purple shoes, Hawaiian shirt) clearly OK with man-on-man love.
Obviously, there are a number of annoying “traditionalists” trying to ruin his good time by claiming everything that defines Christianity gets thrown out the window in his “non-version”. I’m inclined to agree with them. We’ve all heard the trope that “Jesus was a good moral teacher”, but aside from telling folks a few nice things others had figured out a long fucking time ago, the rest of his teachings are either insane or terrifying. Consider the threat of hell for disbelieving his nutty claim. How would you react to any moral tutor who placed such restrictions on doubt?
Our morality has evolved since the Bronze Age, and yet Christianity continues to try and argue “they had it right all along”. For that to be true, you would need to erase roughly 20 centuries of murder, abuse and genocide committed in the name of some various offshoots of the doctrine (there are over 30,000 of them). Even if you did that, you’d notice a suspicious lack of evidence unbelievers are morally depraved individuals. In fact, on average it seems though atheists actually commit fewer crimes than Christians. So what the fuck is the point in carrying all the loaded garbage of religion if you think its claims are bogus anyways? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that guys like Klaas have spent their entire lives preaching nonsense, and have no marketable skills in the real world. They can either quit and get a real fucking job, or keep pretending that the life of a dead Palestinian Jew 2000 years ago was an event of such importance that people should give their hard-earned money to a bunch of old dudes in dresses that talk to an imaginary being.
Seriously, in that position I’d probably choose the latter. Does that make me a scumbag?