Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Bloomberg is my hero

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September 11th is just around the corner, and this year, Mayor Bloomberg is making sure that no clergymen from any religion are invited to the ceremony. Of course, you have a bunch of cry-baby Christians who are flipping out over this exclusion:

“This is America, and to have a memorial service where there’s no prayer, this appears to be insanity to me,” Rudy Washington tells the Wall Street Journal. “I feel like America has lost its way.”

I agree with you, Rudy. America has lost its way. It used to make provisions to ensure religion didn’t have a special place in government. The founding fathers even made the Establishment Clause the first fucking Amendment in their Constitution. Do you think they felt it was an important thing to mention?

Bloomy’s reasoning is both sound and fair: government is not in the business of picking a religion. In any case, the entire reason this structure collapsed was because of faith, and its non-adherence to reality. Why would you want someone there reminding you of the deadly consequences of blind belief?

So close, yet so far away

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I do like the effort by this priest to ridicule creationism in the light of modern science. But while he ridicules these beliefs, he seems completely oblivious to the stupidity of his own dogma. Hey pal, there are some people who believe that a 2000 year old failed Jewish carpenter is actually a God too, and the rest of us think that’s just stupid. We’re glad that you exposed the utter inanity of creationism, but I can see by that collar on your neck that you still have a lot to learn about objective reality (not to mention the fun stuff you haven’t done yet, like shagging).

Rick Perry on Abstinence

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So, according to this uneducated redneck madman, it doesn’t seem to matter whether or not abstinence works. It’s far more important that due to his old fashioned beliefs, kids should not be taught the safest ways to have sex.

Watch him struggle to answer even the most basic facts concerning the total ineffectiveness of abstinence. Who needs evidence when you have blind belief? Here’s a man so fantastically ignorant, he makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein. America, is it just me or are your political candidates getting dumber by the second? I thought Bachmann was bad. How did you manage to find someone even crazier than that stupid bitch so quickly?

Atheist Where’s Waldo

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I hope I’m not too anachronistic here, but if you’ll humor me for a second, I think you’ll enjoy spotting the kid in the crowd who quite rightly feels like he’s surrounded by a bunch of childish morons. Stop jumping up and down waiting for your sky-pappy to show up and give you presents and hugs. It’s embarrassing not just to us, but to the human race.

Billy Ray Cyrus is afraid of atheists

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I don’t expect celebrities to be beacons of rational and coherent thought, especially when their claim to fame is a terrible song and an equally terrible TV show. Billy Ray Cyrus was recently interviewed by GQ, and he claims Hollywood has destroyed his perfect family life. He believes the root of all of this evil has something to do with a freeway sign they would pass by on their way to the Hannah Montana studio that said:

ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY
ATHEISTS UNITED

Just before moving out to Los Angeles, the whole family had been baptized together by their pastor at the People’s Church in Franklin, Tennessee. “It was Tish’s idea,” he remembers. “She said, ‘We’re going to be under attack, and we have to be strong in our faith and we’re all going to be baptized…” And there, driving to work each day in the City of Angels, was this sign. “A physical sign. It could have easily said ‘You will now be attacked by Satan.’ ‘Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness…”

Yes, the evil influence of Satan has finally compelled atheists around the world to pick up trash and to keep their highways clean! Mighty is the Dark Lord!

I’m going to go out on a limb here, but perhaps the reason his life sucks right now has more to do with the fact he cheated on his wife while she was pregnant, and he pimped out his daughter to the Disney corporation. Of course, that would require him to admit his own mistakes, so it’s easier to blame a bunch of trash picking atheists for all your fucking problems.

Anti-Gay State Rep used Craigslist to find male prostitute

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I’m beginning to think there are more closeted gay Republicans than there are open Democrat ones, since it seems as though every other day some anti-gay rights crusader gets caught trying to have sex with someone of the same gender. Today’s totally disgraced hypocrite is Indiana State Rep. Phillip Hinkle, who was caught trying to hire a male prostitute on Craigslist.

I say try, since the entire ordeal was just weird, uncomfortable for everyone, and fraught with crazy drama:

The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.

Ok, first lesson is free Phil: if you’ve got a high profile job, don’t cheap out last minute trying to buy someone’s silence. Also, it’s generally a bad idea to give them your fucking cellphone with all your contact information, genius.

Megan Gibson [the sister of the young man] said that on the drive back, she began receiving a series of calls on the BlackBerry, including one from a woman who said she was Hinkle’s wife. “I was like, ‘Your husband is gay,’ ” Megan said.

The wife eventually tried to buy her off for 10 grand (at least someone was thinking straight), but by then the cat was already WAY out of the bag.

So what’s left for this guy? I’d love to believe that perhaps Phil will take this opportunity to embrace his love of cocks and balls and quit living a lie, but by now I think we’re already painfully familiar with how these things turn out: denial followed by admitting to a “moment of weakness” culminating into some kind of “pray the gay away” retreat. Meanwhile, the fact that this hypocrite piece of shit co-sponsored a constitutional amendment to prevent gays from marrying gets conveniently forgotten. Fantastic.

Evangelicals starting to question Adam and Eve

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About 40% of adults in America believe that Adam and Eve existed. This means that almost half of your population is functionally retarded. And you wonder why your economy is tanking…

In an effort not to ignore scientific truth forever, some evangelicals are starting to question the existence of Adam and Eve in order to finally catch up to the rest of us who have embraced the methodology of science. They naively believe -as Francis Collins does- that science and faith are compatible. I’m sure it appears to them this way, but only so long as their cognitive dissonance is in full swing. The twisted logic at work trying to rectify religious believe and the evidence of our evolution is astounding. It’s a step in the right direction, perhaps:

[Brian] Venema is part of a growing cadre of Christian scholars who say they want their faith to come into the 21st century. Another one is John Schneider, who taught theology at Calvin College in Michigan until recently. He says it’s time to face facts: There was no historical Adam and Eve, no serpent, no apple, no fall that toppled man from a state of innocence.

Yeah, if you do that, you have a major problem: without the fall, Jesus’ sacrifice is pointless (well, it was always pointless, but now more so). Original sin is of paramount importance to the faith. Don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of these people starting to accept that our species evolved from other primates. The problem is that they’ve simply refused to accept the conclusion of evolution. Of course, most evangelicals realize that abandoning this dogma would have serious repercussions to their belief:

Albert Mohler, president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, says that rebellious choice infected all of humankind.

“When Adam sinned, he sinned for us,” Mohler says. “And it’s that very sinfulness that sets up our understanding of our need for a savior.”

Humanity “infected” by sin? That’s the Christianity we know and despise. As far as Jesus-lovers are concerned, humanity is a filthy pile of sin that’s barely worthy of God’s love. Only those slavish enough in their devotion to ignore reality can enter super-magic-fun-playland-in-the-clouds when they die. The rest, those unbelievers, will be tortured forever in a lake of fire for denying the divinity of someone who, if they existed today, would be put in a sanatorium. Christianity isn’t really a “people first” doctrine. As far as they are concerned, we’re all pieces of shit that disobeyed God at one time or another and have been punished ever since.

Let me put this another way: if Adam and Eve didn’t exist, then according to a bunch of very sexist Bible-belt assholes, there would be no justification for men ruling over the lives of women. That means that ladies would be able to control not only their own lives, but their reproductive cycles as well. Do you have any idea how terrifying that prospect is for an old white guy?

TV Channel cleared of blasphemy charges

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If you’re like me, you might be wondering what it takes to get arrested on blasphemy charges in the UK (I have a vested interest in this question, after all). Well, not a hell of a lot as it turns out. Last November, Rowan Atkinson (of Mr. Bean fame) did a fairly innocuous sketch on ITV for the Prince of Wales’ 60th Birthday. His act involved dressing as a vicar and making a few milk-toast jokes about Jesus (including one where after turning water into wine, he’s asked if he does kid’s parties).

As a result, the station received over 500 complaints from humorless Christians wishing to use Britain’s pussy blasphemy laws to silence any mockery of their ludicrous beliefs, and because it’s now illegal to “entice religious hatred”, overly sensitive religious rubes can now use the long arm of the law to silence any criticism of their belief. Luckily, he’s been recently cleared of all charges.

This isn’t the first time Rowan has been fighting against this ridiculousness. In 2004, Rowan was battling the Serious Organized Crime and Police Bill that included measures against “inciting religious hatred”:

But Mr. Atkinson and his fellow critics oppose part of the bill which will create a new offence of incitement to religious hatred to protect faith groups, particularly Muslims, from attack.

Mr. Atkinson told a meeting at the House of Commons on Monday night there are “quite a few sketches” he has performed which would come into conflict with the proposed law.

No Shit.

The blasphemy elements were expunged from the bill, but later became “The Racial and Religious Hatred Act” passed in 2006. While the drafters claimed it would only be used to stop people from stirring up religious hatred, it’s instead being used to censor guys like Atkinson who “upset” overly sensitive Christians who can’t bother to defend their beliefs themselves.

Home Office Minister Paul Goggins said: “It is about protecting the believer, not the belief.”

Protect them from what? Reality? Can we stop making it a crime to speak your fucking mind already?

1 in 6 Clergymen non-believers in Netherlands

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Times are desperate for Christians in the Netherlands. One in every 6 clergymen is either an atheist or an agnostic, so in an effort not to lose his job, the Rev. Klaas Hendrikse has invented a special form of Christianity that:

a. Doesn’t believe Jesus existed historically [the Gnostics beat him to it though]
b. Doesn’t believe in the afterlife [ditto the Jews]
c. Doesn’t believe a God exists at all [that one’s new]

It’s kind of like serving Kool-Aid without any of the flavoring, and then claiming that while the liquid you’re drinking certainly isn’t Kool-Aid, there are a lot of lessons to be learned from our property destroying friend, Oh Yeah! Of course, the difference here is that the Kool-Aid Man (who now wears pants, btw) only condones slavery to flavor, not human beings. He is also, judging by his new digs (purple shoes, Hawaiian shirt) clearly OK with man-on-man love.

Obviously, there are a number of annoying “traditionalists” trying to ruin his good time by claiming everything that defines Christianity gets thrown out the window in his “non-version”. I’m inclined to agree with them. We’ve all heard the trope that “Jesus was a good moral teacher”, but aside from telling folks a few nice things others had figured out a long fucking time ago, the rest of his teachings are either insane or terrifying. Consider the threat of hell for disbelieving his nutty claim. How would you react to any moral tutor who placed such restrictions on doubt?

Our morality has evolved since the Bronze Age, and yet Christianity continues to try and argue “they had it right all along”. For that to be true, you would need to erase roughly 20 centuries of murder, abuse and genocide committed in the name of some various offshoots of the doctrine (there are over 30,000 of them). Even if you did that, you’d notice a suspicious lack of evidence unbelievers are morally depraved individuals. In fact, on average it seems though atheists actually commit fewer crimes than Christians. So what the fuck is the point in carrying all the loaded garbage of religion if you think its claims are bogus anyways? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that guys like Klaas have spent their entire lives preaching nonsense, and have no marketable skills in the real world. They can either quit and get a real fucking job, or keep pretending that the life of a dead Palestinian Jew 2000 years ago was an event of such importance that people should give their hard-earned money to a bunch of old dudes in dresses that talk to an imaginary being.

Seriously, in that position I’d probably choose the latter. Does that make me a scumbag?

Gay marriage: a sign of End times

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Oh crazy bigoted religious people…I’m not sure they know what they want, sometimes. Take this clown, Pastor Scott Lively. Last year he came under fire for publishing a book called “The Pink Swastika“, where he claimed Nazi Germany was being run by homofascists (his word). He was laying low for a little while, but now he’s back to blaming gays for everything. This time, he believes they will bring about the end of civilization and what he hopes will be the Second Coming.

We are probably all familiar with the oft-cited fact that the collapse of numerous civilizations prior to our own were heralded by a rise in sexual immorality, especially homosexuality. That alone should alert us to the grave situation we find ourselves in today. But there is a deeper spiritual significance beneath that statistic. God has chosen rampant homosexuality to be a key warning sign for judgment of the world as a whole, and not just of individual nations.

Yeah, I remember reading all about how ancient Sumer was destroyed by sexual impropriety, and everyone knows that the Aztecs were obliterated not by not the Spanish, but rather from all the butt-fucking they were doing on the side. History is a lot more interesting when you get to make shit up, isn’t it?

Genesis is the book of beginnings which sets the tone and lays the foundation for all of our theology. It is there in the first chapter that God establishes the “one flesh” standard for human sexuality which is lifetime, monogamous heterosexual marriage.

We must have been reading a very different version of Genesis, since in the one I read, Eve has to bang her own sons in order to propagate the species. I would hardly call that monogamy! Does he forget that his own religious forefathers like Jacob and Isaac had a plurality of wives?

Homosexuality is not mentioned specifically as an aspect of the pre-flood corruption, but we can assume that a society of men and women whose thoughts “were only evil continuously” (6:5) were involved in every form of sexual perversion.

To be fair, the main reason God thought his creation had become an abomination was because they were fucking his angels and creating a race of super-giants. There’s no mention of all the crazy hot sexual shenanigans they were up to, though. Hey, if my creation was getting all mixed up like that, I might be tempted to nuke that shit and start from scratch.

I have made this point before, but it bears repeating. I am 53 years old. When I was born homosexuality was illegal throughout the entire world. In the space of just half a century this tiny 1-3% of the population have made themselves a global political power with greater influence in the courtrooms and legislatures of the world than the Church of Jesus Christ. This astonishing transformation surpasses that of Darwinism, Marxism, and even Islam in its speed and breadth of reach. To my thinking, this can only have been accomplished by the god of this world (Satan 2 Cor 4:4) who knows his time is short and is making his move.

Yeah, men and women were being jailed for the “crime” of banging people they were attracted to. Eventually, to the great dismay of bigots like Scott Lively, we had to stop incarcerating our own citizens for their sexual preference. Rather than believe that society has progressed, this moron is convinced that only Satan could have expediated the gay rights movement.

I don’t get these guys. Don’t they want the “End Times” to begin soon? Isn’t this good news? Remember how jubilant Harold Camping and his army of dumbass followers were when they though that Jesus was going to rain down fire and brimstone? They were positively BEAMING with excitement at the thought of 99.9% of all humanity being slaughtered by a dude with a sword in his mouth. You’d think that anything that actually speeds up the process would be welcomed. But no, these douchebags are never going to be happy unless we all fuck each other the way they want us to, and with an extremely limited amount of partners.

Catholic priest in charge of sex scandal caught with kiddy porn

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It’s beginning to look like any effort to “clean up” the Catholic church of pedophiles is an impossible task. Consider this: Pope Benedict XVI’s right hand man in charge of helping him track down pedo priests, Father Riccardo Seppia, was arrested last May when he was caught trying to arrange sexual encounters with his drug dealer. Now, it seems as though another priest in charge of investigating pederasts has been arrested of actually being one. Married Jarvis [Not a name but a title for some reason] was recently commissioned by the Diocese of Plymouth, England to ensure that pedophiles would not have access to children. He’s been fired from his job after police found over 4000 sexually explicit pictures of minors. Way to clean house, guys.

It’s become almost normal for this kind of thing to happen. We should be utterly shocked and dismayed at the carelessness displayed by the Catholic Church. It’s the equivalent of putting Ted Bundy on a FBI serial killer task force and being surprised when all the women on your team keep disappearing.

Why should we trust this institution to do the right thing? It’s been covering up sexual scandals for the past 20 centuries, and I doubt they’ll stop anytime soon. If you want them to stop fucking little children, we’re going to have to convince a billion of their followers to stop giving them billions of dollars every year. We’d also need to take the huge sums of money they have in the bank and give it to the countless kids who have been scarred for life by these bastards. Sure, it won’t give them their life back, but I think a life of material comfort courtesy of the very institution that covered that shit up sounds like a bit of justice to me.

Check out this cool video below exposing how long the church has known about sexual abuse in its own organization. Educational, to say the least.

Australia and Sharia

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Sharia: providing a framework for the subjugation of women for over a thousand years, and with the help of misogynistic clerics, perhaps a thousand more! Hey Australia, that’s the second time in two days that you make it on my site. Not a good sign…

NOTE: I’ve been informed of the low reliability of this so-called “news” program. I wonder, is it owned by Rupert Murdoch by chance?

Francis Collins thinks atheists improperly use science

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I’ve never understood scientists who are also believers. Sure, you can argue that science is a way of understanding the natural world, and that God (by their own definition, of course) exists outside of these laws. This is the idea that both science and faith can co-exist peacefully. You may have heard of the term NOMA (non-overlapping magisteria), first coined by Stephen J. Gould. It’s the rather incorrect assumption that somehow the two deal with entirely different realities.

Francis Collins is a head of the National Institute of Health, formerly the head of the US Human Genome Program. He’s also an evangelical Christian, convinced that there is no incompatibility between the belief in a Christian God and the Theory of Evolution. He also thinks that “angry atheists” like Steven Pinker are attempting to use the scientific theory to demonstrate its incompatibility with the notion of an all powerful creator God.

“angry atheists are out there using science as a club to to hit believers over the head.” He expressed concern that prominent researchers suggesting that one can’t believe in evolution and believe in God, may be “causing a lot of people not familiar with science to change their assessments of it.”

Yeah, don’t you hate when people “hit you over the head” with reality? How dare we reject the idea of an improvable supernatural entity that leaves no evidence of its existence? Why can’t we all believe and stop ruining their good time?
Hilariously enough, Collins has actually rejected NOMA in the past, arguing that in many cases the two do overlap. And then the man wonders why we bother fighting against his irrational ideas…

Here’s the think about evolution and God: they aren’t compatible. If you agree that evolution is true, then you admit that the process is undirected, the result of chance mutations that give their genetic carriers a greater chance to leave offspring. It’s a process of gradual change influenced by the forces of nature, not the will of a deity. Sad believers like Ken Miller attempt to explain this inconvenient fact with the childish notion that the process was “directed” in some invisible way, but this only serves to show God as an incompetent fool who leads the majority of his creation to extinction.

Evolution explains how we came to be without the need for the added hypothesis of a creator. Any scientists who truly understands evolution and who still believes in God has done so only because the two are compartmentalized. I’m sure Collins can still do good science, but he still believes in two incompatible ideas, and no amount of “comfort” with is beliefs will change reality.