Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

5 Life Lessons I learned from “The Unbeatables”

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You can learn a lot from a video. Did you know that all drugs, once your brain is “on them”, will resemble a fried egg? I know this for a fact because Rachel Leah Cook smashed someone’s house up with a frying pan to prove it. Clearly, lessons abound in the digital format, so I thought it might be nice to extract some lessons of our own from this Christian cartoon courtesy of NuBeat Music (a Christian music label that occasionally dabbles in videos).

#1 – God will give you directions if you’re lost.

Forget about advances in science and technology that allows us to circumnavigate the world through GPS: God is the only navigator you’ll ever need. Just close your eyes, make a wish, and voila! God (who looks suspiciously like Santa Claus) will appear and give you the directions you so desperately need. It’s better than OnStar, people! All you need to do is surrender yourself (and a massive part of your income) to a deity that needs constant praise and approval!

#2 – Evil people are incompetent.

Are you worried that Satan and his hoards of minions might slaughter you in the night? Don’t worry: evil is in fact completely and utterly incompetent. While you may have heard “rumors” of genocides and various holocausts throughout human history, these bumbling fools are easily out-matched through the awesome power of prayer.

#3 – Everyone finds the answer “Because the Bible told me so” 100% convincing.

Your children will never be exposed to skeptical human beings vastly more knowledgeable than they are concerning the historicity of Jesus, Moses, or any other Biblical figure. Everyone is so receptive to the idea of Jesus that any need to further educate yourself is unnecessary.

#4 – When you pray, angels with giant mullets will beat-up the demons that cause cramps.

The power of prayer can cause any miracle to happen, and while your cynical mind may wonder “why can’t they do the same thing for the poor little crippled girl”, keep in mind that the added sympathy she gets from potential converts isn’t something you can easily measure. It must certainly be part of God’s “big plan”, regardless of how cruel or random it might appear to your limited mind.

#5 – Little kids are way more effective at conversion than adults.

Adults are merely chauffeurs, driving around the wisdom of 5 year old children where ever they go. You see, we begin knowing everything about the world, being infinitely wise and only slowly polluting our minds with facts, experimental evidence, and skepticism about the world. That’s why when the only grown up starts to speak, it’s because she needs to be “taught” something by someone who still wets the bed. She has so much to unlearn, and all of that starts the minute she stop thinking and starts feeling!

Well, I feel properly educated now. With my navigation, health and entire future in the hands of Santa Claus, I feel ready for the wider world. Is it finally time for me to leave the nest and start preaching the word of the Lord? If this video is anything like real life, then the answer is a resounding “Fuck Yeah!”

Why is Christianity growing in China?

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If you were hoping that China would be immune from faith-pimps because of their long history of non-belief, then I apologize in advance for shattering your delusion. Not only is there a strong tendency for superstition in the country, they appear just as vulnerable as the rest of us to religious nonsense. How else can you explain the rise of Christianity in the East?

It is impossible to say how many Christians there are in China today, but no-one denies the numbers are exploding.

The government says 25 million, 18 million Protestants and six million Catholics. Independent estimates all agree this is a vast underestimate. A conservative figure is 60 million. There are already more Chinese at church on a Sunday than in the whole of Europe.

Keep in mind that everything in China is just ‘larger’ because of their huge population difference, so while 60 million sounds like an impressive figure to us, it represents a tiny fraction of their population. Still, I won’t deny that religion is growing, and this may have more to do with a lost sense of community than anything else. In countries with a lot of corruption, it’s difficult to trust any institution. Religions have always done a good job of providing that assurance and trust where none exists. Why should we be surprised the poor and indigent – increasingly ignored by their government – would turn to the comfort of religious dogma to escape their sorrow and connect with others like them?

What can our rational unbelief offer these people? We need to do more if we’re to win the hearts and minds of people. Merely disproving the tenets of faith doesn’t diminish the feelings of community, hope and certainty that religion offers. If we had to debate which side had the better argument to win over people, then we’d be all set. Unfortunately for us, humans aren’t rational. They don’t make up their minds after careful consideration of all the facts. Instead, they rely on intuition, feelings, and emotions to make their decisions for them, and only later intellectually justify these beliefs (we still want to THINK we’re rational, after all).

Education isn’t enough. We need to stop being gigantic pussies about it and take the ‘institutional’ plunge. We need to develop international support networks of the same complexity and devotion as our religious counterparts. We need to offer more than cold comfort, and we certainly can’t ignore all the roles filled by religion. If we truly want religion gone, then we’ll need to stop ignoring what works well for them, and instead embrace the positive attribute and appropriate them for ourselves (with a rational twist, of course).

This Christian video is terrible

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Here’s a Christian video trying to pretend that they understand anything about rock and roll gods. It feels so real that you could swear it was taken right from “Behind the Music”. Somehow I never seem to get tired of Jesus-Junk.

My favorite part of the video is when the blond haired guy asks God-boy: “How do you know the book is true?” and he’s given the non-answer of: “My book is the Bible. Ever since I started living by what it says in there, my life has changed so much.”

That’s not really an answer, bro. In any case, I would never deny that a person’s life can change when they start reading the Bible. If you aren’t busy trying to ensure that you’re not wearing clothes made of two different fabrics or trying to cook your bread using your own feces, there’s tons of confusing stories to find a way to somehow make relevant in today’s modern world.

Jerry Buell should be fired

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Times are hard in America. Job security is eroding fast, as is the middle class. This puts everyone on edge, which would explain some of the blow-back from fans concerning my opinion that there is something fundamentally broken with the way teachers are unionized in America. Of course, that’s not to imply that I want to destroy all the rights workers have managed to harangue from the clutches of the very wealthy (far from it). I just find it strange that the prevailing attitude of many of my listeners down south concerning freedom of speech is this should not interfere with their ability to be gainfully employed. Trust me, when you aren’t an American, this idea is kind of crazy.

Take the case of Jerry Buell. He’s a teacher at Mount Dora High School in Lake County, Florida who was suspended, and later reinstated after posting a number of homophobic remarks on his Facebook account (which included many student “friends”). After learning that New York was finally allowing gay people to have the same rights as everyone else, he became so overwhelmed with disgust, he claims, that he threw up at the diner table.

The Friendly Atheist first came to his defense as a fellow teacher, but quickly changed his tune when he took a gander at Jerry’s very crazy school bio, where he admitted his intent to “teach God’s truth”. Still, a number of Hemant’s fans continue to support Jerry under the banner of free speech. They make a good point: If a teacher can be fired for holding “controversial” views, might the same not apply to non-belief as well?

Here’s my general problem with that idea. Hemant’s beliefs don’t condemn entire groups of people either privately or publicly. It isn’t predicated on the hatred of anyone who isn’t like him. The only thing “controversial” about atheism is that religious people don’t like it. If it wasn’t for these yahoos, we wouldn’t even give this thing we don’t believe in a name. We’re creating a false equivalency here between religious people being discomforted with our non-belief and gay teens being driven to suicide because of the relentless torture of bigots like Jerry. Undoubtedly he’s had a few gay students pass through his class already. What impression of themselves were they left with in his care? If some stories are to be believed, he’s stated that homosexuals should be killed, as should their “conspirators”. How are these vulnerable children affected by this type of hateful bigotry?

The ACLU came to Jerry’s defense because their greater cause is the belief that a person’s views shouldn’t interfere with them having a job. I’m not sure that should be universally true. He’s not working as a fucking office clerk. He’s a teacher, which means he’s been given the charge of educating the mind of our young, and as such Jerry’s beliefs are of extreme importance, especially when it comes to the mental health of the students. Their priority is spelled out clearly in the code of ethics of the school board:

[A Teacher] Shall not intentionally expose a student to unnecessary embarrassment or disparagement; shall not harass or discriminate against any student on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national or ethnic origin, political beliefs, marital status, handicapping condition, sexual orientation, or social and family background and shall make reasonable effort to assure that each student is protected from harassment or discrimination.

The First Amendment isn’t a defense of people who willfully disregard the codes of conduct they agree to adhere to, and this is especially true for people who educate our young (how tolerant are we if they take other “liberties”?). He’s not being jailed for speaking his mind. He was being suspended for breaking the rules. Just because someone is allowed to say what they want doesn’t suddenly mean that there are no consequences. You can’t have free speech in a world without any fucking accountability.

New fossil discovery makes my day

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The difference between science and other supposed “types” of knowledge that make similar claims about the universe can be illustrated with this cool new discovery: a team of archaeologists working in South Africa have found a fossil of a possible ancestor. The physical attributes of Australopithecus sediba suggests that it may be a direct ancestor rather than an unsuccessful offshoot. This discovery could (and this is the important part here) change our understanding of our own past as a species.

This offers yet another opportunity for science to correct itself, to refine our understanding of the history of life on earth. That’s fucking exciting. That makes my day. It should make all of our days, but it doesn’t. For a significant portion of the American population, this discovery is either irrelevant, unimportant, or a threat. The need for people to feel important and relevant in an uncaring universe has blinded them from a deeper and much more interesting possibility: that our existence, while impressive to ourselves, is the result of the same laws of physics that are universal. If we exist long enough to contemplate the Cosmos, then we cannot be the only ones who have, are, or ever will. How more exciting is this than “Super Ape-in-the-Sky did it”?

Flying Korans kill Salman Rushdie

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Ok, here’s the skinny on this video before you watch it: In 1989, Salman Rushdie released his most famous work, “The Satanic Verses”, which sends the Muslim world into a major spaz attack. To capitalize on this, “International Guerrillas” was born. The film revolves around three brothers united by their hatred of the blasphemer who set out to destroy Rushdie. The video above is the climactic scene where God smites him down with the power of the Koran. Pay careful notice to how hilarious everything is.

It’s funny to note that the movie was almost banned in the UK. Rushdie himself opposed the use of blasphemy and libel laws to try and censor the film. Gotta love the guy.

Conservapedia thinks I’m a sinner

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I’m truly honored today. Conservapedia, apparently aware that I was poking fun at their ridiculous “Question Evolution!” campaign, decided to inform me that my objection to their fantasy has something to do with the excessive amount of “sinning” going on at my house. I guess all of those orgies finally caught up with me, huh?

To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’m going to go snort cocaine off a prostitute’s chest on a satanic altar…or maybe I’ll just have a beer or something. Either works.

Worst Dating Service Ever

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You’re a gay man, unfortunate enough to be born in the insane cult of Orthodox Judaism. One day, you make the mistake of actually telling someone like Rabbi Arele Harel about your sexual orientation and your desire to start a family. His solution, as you might have guessed, is just about the worst idea anyone can have: He sets you up with a lesbian stuck in the same cult:

Potential candidates email Harel, who meets with them to assess if they are emotionally ready to be fixed up. Harel then picks a suitable match and introduces the parties. They are put in touch with therapists who are to assist them in their new life. Once they are married, they each pay around $400 for Harel’s service.

“The main aspiration here is parenthood,” said Harel, 36, from his home in the Jewish West Bank settlement of Shilo. “It allows them to become parents in a way that is permitted by religious Jewish law and prevents a conflict between their religious world and their sexual world.”

Summary: if your sexuality conflicts with your Bronze Age religion, then the problem is you, not your antiquated beliefs. All you need to do sacrifice your happiness and desires in order to fulfill the expectations of your family and friends who can’t accept who you are.

This guy is hilarious

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Every once in a while an old article will spring back to life whenever a religious weirdo randomly lands on a page that sends him or her into a wild, nonsensical tirade that gives you but a glimpse into their “unique” minds. Take some choice passages from “Johnathan” who wants to make sure we don’t burn in hell:

Perhaps you should put a nail down, and watch it miraculously spring to life and start “evolving” lol and you claim we’re ignorant?

Not anymore with that kind of logic, I can promise you that!

Little do you know that Satan is firmly steering you.
You so blind you don’t even realize the you have the mark of the beast on you, do you ?

The tattoo dude promised me no one would know about that smurf on my butt cheek… Does this have anything to do with Satan being in the mix?

You know why you atheists don’t believe their is a God? It’s because you haven’t experienced salvation yet. You NEED to be born in spirit to understand things of the spirit.

I agree: a confusing experience really is the only way to gain knowledge about objective reality.

Perhaps you’re not aware that they’ve found remains of the Ark, when the great flood took place? How about the chariots when God destroyed in the dead sea?

That might be because I don’t get my scientific information from a pamphlet.

You are alive but as dead as a door nail. So lost, and it’s sad. Satan was too an accuser of those in heaven just like you lot are.

I think I sound pretty lively for a dude who’s as dead as a door nail.

You have all the fruits the bible states Satan has yet you’re too ignorant to see it. Do you know that the majority of “Christians” have got it wrong today ?

Yeah, I’m aware. Christians can’t stop telling everyone else that other Christians also have it wrong. You all pretend to like each other for our benefit, but we know you secretly loath each other, and we find that hilarious.

The bible teaches us of predestination. And PRAISE GOD Hallelujah that he saved his sheep…Do you know that I’m sent of God ? Do you know that every single one who is TRULY REBORN in JESUS is SENT of Christ ?

I did not know that, although I do have a pretty good idea about where you should be sent next, dude.

Have you ever wondered why you scoff and mock the saints? Hello? What do you get out of it?

Do I wonder why I make fun of guys who dress up in silly costumes, put on pointless rituals and talk to their imaginary friend? Not really something that keeps me up at night…

You see, it’s because you’re still under the authority of your father Satan, who was a liar from the beginning and the father of all lies and deception.

You’ll notice this guy likes to use the word “father” a lot. I have a dad and that’s enough for me, thanks. If you didn’t have one of your own, I might suggest not trying to overcompensate for it.

We that God chose before the foundation of the world, are sent to testify of the mighty and glorious salvation of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, and to testify that the works of the world are evil.

Translation: we’re here to shit on everyone’s good time. Got it.

Are you one of the lost sheep? Call to Jesus! Today is the day of salvation , tomorrow could be too LATE! Some of you say “maybe there is a God”

Are you confused about reality? Are you vulnerable to stupid ideas that have no basis in hard fact? Then grab your phone and give us a call! Operators are standing by, and if you call now, we’ll throw in a lifetime supply of guilt and shame, absolutely free!

Let’s so for yourselves I was wrong, I die and that’s it. But if you’re wrong? God banishes you the eternal fire FOREVER! Where you’ll beg! And plead! And cry for mercy but your soul dear friend WILL be cast into the fire ! You won’t come out there ever! God will no longer have mercy on you because you denied the only begotten Son of God, who died for the lost sheep willingly, and was risen back to life and thus overcame and killed sin out our lives! Amen!

With a God this sadistic and cruel, you need an excessive amount of exclamation marks to make your point!

The bible is not religion, it’s FACT, it’s a history book that accounts for all things, the past, the present and the FUTURE! To things currently taking place today, it’s all in the bible.

I guess with that kind of attitude, you’re pretty much guaranteed never to expand your mind beyond the tiny horizon of faith, aren’t you Johnny? Well, it’s too bad. Who needs to be educated when this book predicts that the world is going to end in a sea of blood? Better to buy a gun and wait for the army of Satan to attack, am I right?

Florida weird cohabitation rules challenged

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Oh Florida, do you always have to ruin everything? Republicans in the state shaped like a diseased penis are fighting to keep a strange, antiquated law from being eliminated since it technically classifies any unmarried persons living together as criminals. “Cohabitation” is a second class misdemeanor, carrying fines and up to 2 months in jail. As you’ve probably guessed by now, this ridiculous law dates back to the 19th century, and in an effort to jump forward 200 years Rep. Ritch Workman (R) is trying to repeal it. He’s meeting some heavy resistance from his own party, as members are hesitant to “…give up on monogamy and a cultural statement that marriage still matters”.

Basically, these Republicans don’t want to make any move that might give gays the impression that they approve of their “lifestyles” (honestly guys, I think they get it). And just when you think calling them out on their bigoted bullshit might be the solution, a new defense is invented: calling someone a bigot, according to former US senator Rick Santorum, is itself an act of bigotry. “Don’t point out the fact that I hold hateful archaic views,” they say, “because it hurts my feelings when you do that”. Wow.

As if that didn’t break the meter off your insanity monitor, another Floridian is busy ensuring a steady supply of crazy. “Pastor Mike“, a self described Internet troll who fancies himself a minister, finally got someone’s attention when he suggested that “open atheists” should be registered in a manner familiar to sex offenders. He started rattling a few cages when he began sending out a bunch of emails asking “real Christians” to help form a kind of registry. Even his fellow believers thought the idea was nuts, and despite his best efforts to try and hide his shame, the Internet rarely forgets. He’s since tried to defend the idea, and wonders why any non-believer would be offended. Try reading a history book instead of just the Bible Mikey, and you might find out why.

Bloomberg is my hero

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September 11th is just around the corner, and this year, Mayor Bloomberg is making sure that no clergymen from any religion are invited to the ceremony. Of course, you have a bunch of cry-baby Christians who are flipping out over this exclusion:

“This is America, and to have a memorial service where there’s no prayer, this appears to be insanity to me,” Rudy Washington tells the Wall Street Journal. “I feel like America has lost its way.”

I agree with you, Rudy. America has lost its way. It used to make provisions to ensure religion didn’t have a special place in government. The founding fathers even made the Establishment Clause the first fucking Amendment in their Constitution. Do you think they felt it was an important thing to mention?

Bloomy’s reasoning is both sound and fair: government is not in the business of picking a religion. In any case, the entire reason this structure collapsed was because of faith, and its non-adherence to reality. Why would you want someone there reminding you of the deadly consequences of blind belief?

So close, yet so far away

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I do like the effort by this priest to ridicule creationism in the light of modern science. But while he ridicules these beliefs, he seems completely oblivious to the stupidity of his own dogma. Hey pal, there are some people who believe that a 2000 year old failed Jewish carpenter is actually a God too, and the rest of us think that’s just stupid. We’re glad that you exposed the utter inanity of creationism, but I can see by that collar on your neck that you still have a lot to learn about objective reality (not to mention the fun stuff you haven’t done yet, like shagging).

Rick Perry on Abstinence

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So, according to this uneducated redneck madman, it doesn’t seem to matter whether or not abstinence works. It’s far more important that due to his old fashioned beliefs, kids should not be taught the safest ways to have sex.

Watch him struggle to answer even the most basic facts concerning the total ineffectiveness of abstinence. Who needs evidence when you have blind belief? Here’s a man so fantastically ignorant, he makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein. America, is it just me or are your political candidates getting dumber by the second? I thought Bachmann was bad. How did you manage to find someone even crazier than that stupid bitch so quickly?

Atheist Where’s Waldo

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I hope I’m not too anachronistic here, but if you’ll humor me for a second, I think you’ll enjoy spotting the kid in the crowd who quite rightly feels like he’s surrounded by a bunch of childish morons. Stop jumping up and down waiting for your sky-pappy to show up and give you presents and hugs. It’s embarrassing not just to us, but to the human race.