Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Genesis is not scientifically accurate

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There’s been a little debate that’s been raging in one of the posts I put up a few days ago, and while I have no forum (yet), I thought necessary to respond to this comment made by our resident Christian, Brandon.

Michelle, Those “myths” in Genesis match the order in which scientists tell us the earth, the moon and everything on the earth were formed.

Please give me evidence to prove otherwise.

I’ll proceed to dissect Genesis to show just how pathetic the scientific knowledge of a primitive desert tribe really was. We’ll start with the first 4 days of creation. This was actually part of a project I called “The Good Atheist Annotated Bible”. Let me know what you guys think:

1:1 In the Beginning God created the heaven and the earth

Ok, not a bad beginning, but obviously it’s a little bit confusing for you. You thought it started out with some king of light, or something related to the Big Bang maybe? Yeah, not so much. Even at the very beginning, it doesn’t sound like anything a scientist would say when describing the birth of the universe. We’ll get to the light part soon (which will show you how much “science” there really is in this thing), but for now I have to say I’m fairly unimpressed with this character so far. He begins by creating a tiny, insignificant planet, and follows this master stroke by immediately building some imperceptible magical fun land where he supposedly lives. It kind of like building your house and then building a little doghouse on the side even before you get a puppy.

According to Professor Ellen van Wolde, a respected Biblical scholar, there is a mistranslation from the Herbre word “bara” which should have made it “In the Beginning God separated heaven and earth”. If that’s true, it makes the whole “build your house and doghouse right after” beginning less than stellar.

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

Is he surfboarding here? Did God finish building his magical play land and decide he needed to hang ten?

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light

So is this the point in the Bible you think might be a parallel to the Big Bang or something? Was it after the Earth was created or before God was surfing on it? It’s almost freaky those millions of priests never really figured out the Big Bang with such an obvious clue…

1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

Here we have God boasting about his achievement, presumably to himself. I guess you can create something without seeing it, but the only activity where that happens is when I shit, so I’m going to have to assume that God shit out light, turned around, saw it was very good, and then went about separating it from darkness. No offense, but it just seems like darkness and light don’t really need any help separating. They seem to do it just fine on their own.

1:5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Yeah, after naming something, I’m usually pretty tuckered out myself. So, this is the first day, and so far no a lot has happened, but he’s got 6 more, so we’ll let him finish up the others before we really start judging his performance.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

It’s the beginning of the second day, and again God is still just entirely focused on Earth here. It’s another fairly mediocre start. So far the Universe consists of heaven, some light, and now a planet that finally has some dry land.

1:7 And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

If you are wondering why they feel the need to practically repeat themselves here, it’s just because they want presumably to avoid making him seem like a laborer of some sort. God doesn’t “do” anything. He likes to say shit, and then things just happen. It makes him look more regal and less servile. That’s a PR job right there. Here he commands land, which was previously under the water, to float to the top. So basically, ancient Jews believed that the earth was just a large landraft floating on a body of water. They go into more hilarious detail of their vision of the Earth later, as we’ll soon see.

1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Is he creating heaven again?

1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

So now he needs to separate the land and the waters again for some reason. He doesn’t seem to really understand how the planet is actually formed, but that’s not unusual for a group of nomadic desert people living thousands of years ago to have a level of scientific knowledge comparable to a 3 year old.

1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

Here he is looking back at his creation, really breathing it in there. He’s thinking to himself “what a fantastic job”. And for what? Day two and he seems about as efficient as a government employee.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

So far we don’t even have a sun, and already God is busy making grass, trees, wheat and a bunch of stuff human beings can eat. The authors seem especially fond of seeds, which I’m sure back then was like talking about diamonds. When food is your main concern, each fruit seed is a chance to not die of fucking starvation. So obviously, these writers might be a little seed happy. Just saying.

1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day

It’s the third day, and even now there are no stars, no galaxies, no other planets. There isn’t even the Sun yet, and somehow God is all tuckered out. He has to be the laziest cosmic laborer ever.

1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years

So now finally we get a bit of action here. God supposedly creates all the tiny lights in the sky as a way for people to read signs. Astrology was the latest fashion back then, so if you didn’t have a crazy nutjob yelling out some stupid absurdities based on all the blinking lights in the sky, you couldn’t be a half decent empire. Christians now don’t like astrology very much, but it’s a pretty big part of their history, and we’ll be referencing it pretty extensively in some of the later chapters. Rest assured: they thought it was pretty cool back then.

1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

Yes, we know he made the stars, it’s mentioned twice, since the writers can’t seem to decide what stars are supposed to be for. If you think about it from their limited perspective, the actually purpose for stars must have seemed pretty confusing. They didn’t seem to do anything, and if they did, it usually scared the crap out of people.

1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Here he makes the Sun, and since the authors of the Bible were essentially scientifically retarded, they actually think the moon generates its own light. To be fair, a lot of kids ask this kind of question. You would be shocked by how few parents know the answer, or believe in something similar.

So far we’re only at day 4 and there’s nothing even remotely close to anything resembling the picture of the Universe we have now thanks to modern science. Discuss!

Calling all Hot Christian women!

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Ready for the ultimate in cockteasing annoying bitches, my dear single atheist friends? Well, you can look forward to blue balls and a headache as Tamara trains an army of Christian women to date nonbelievers with the intent of converting them to their particularly idiotic religion.

Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably tell, I’m a Christian woman who loves Jesus Christ and cares for all humans, even the wicked. What you probably don’t know is that I’m hot. My picture below isn’t really that good. I want to use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage Christian women (my sisters in Christ) to do the same, according to the Great Commission.

Not only can we date hot guys (as only hot Christian girls could do), but hopefully we can lead them to God and help them get saved them from the burning fires of Hell. I’ve outlined a few tips to help you get a date off to the right start, step-by-step. Jesus saves through hooking up with cute heathen guys!

Are you ready for these tips, ladies? We’ll try and ignore the horrible grammar mistakes (judge not, Jacob, lest ye be judged) and focus on the core message here:

1. If he tells your that you are hot…
Tell him God made you hot.

2. If he wants to hold your hand…
Give him a Bible.

3. If he tries to get closer…
Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.

4. If he asks to pay for dinner…
Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!

5. If he reaches his arm around you…
Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
(or ask him if you instead could “lay hands” on him in prayer)

6. If he tries to kiss you…
Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
(and you’re not ready to “speak in tongues”)

7. If he asks to come inside…
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.

8. If he tells you he loves you…
Tell him that Jesus loves him.

9. If he gets angry that you won’t put out…
Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean “Who would Jesus Do.”

10. After you dump him…
Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.

Can you imagine dating someone like that?

Hot Atheist Guy: “Why don’t we go back to my house for supper”
Annoying Hot Christian chick: “No thanks, Jesus was betrayed during his last supper”

Is there a tip for what happens when this hot guy you’ve been leading on catches wind of your little plan? Odds are he won’t exactly be cool with you trying to use sex to convert him…

(Update: The website no longer exists)

US Evangelicals to blame for violence against gays in Uganda

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I want to make something clear from the onset: yes, it’s true if you’re an evangelical Christian, it does not necessarily follow you personally support the maltreatment of gays around the world. However, and this is my main point, you are part of an institution whose views and opinions regarding homosexuality shape a culture of hatred and murder. You cannot escape this reality; any money, time and effort spent spreading the “good word” directly influence events that happen in other countries, specifically because your church leaders have become obsessed with fighting the “sin” of homosexuality.

A few days ago, David Kato, a Ugandan gay activist, was beaten and killed in his own home. While the police maintain it was simply a robbery, the truth is they have done little to investigate this crime, and the reason is simple: the country has decided gays are the enemy. The drafting of the “Kill the Gays” bill had its inspiration from a very familiar source:

The bill was drawn up after a visit to a conference in Uganda by Christian missionaries from the US who believed that some homosexuals could change their sexual orientation through prayer.

“David’s death is a result of the hatred planted in Uganda by US evangelicals in 2009,” according to a statement from Sexual Minorities Uganda, for whom Mr Kato worked as an advocacy officer. “The Ugandan government and the so-called US Evangelicals must take responsibility for David’s blood.”

It matters very little now how many Evangelical leaders condemn this action. The damage has been done, and it’s unlikely to influence the hearts and mind of the very people they enraged in the first place. It’s like trying to put out a forest fire you lit with a bucket of water. It’s way too little, way too late. In any case, there are powerful individuals working tirelessly in secret to ensure gays and lesbians remain “enemy #1″ in the US and around the world.

“The Family”– also known as “the Fellowhship”– is a powerful and covert sect of American Christian evangelical politicians and ministers who seek a decidedly anti-gay extreme Christian agenda both at home and abroad, and through its words put this hammer in the hands of all potentially intolerant Ugandans.

The tabloid “Rolling Stone”, who a few months ago released a list of “known homosexuals” with the words “hang them” on it, has tried to defend its hateful rhetoric. The result is shocking to say the least:

After Wednesday’s killing, Giles Muhame, the editor of Rolling Stone, condemned the murder and said the paper had not wanted gays to be attacked. “If he has been murdered, that’s bad and we pray for his soul,” Muhame told Reuters. “There has been a lot of crime, it may not be because he is gay. We want the government to hang people who promote homosexuality, not for the public to attack them. We said they should be hanged, not stoned or attacked.”

Oh right, thanks for clarifying how they should die, Giles. I mean, a beating is so barbaric and uncivilized…it’s far better simply to hang them, am I right? After all, we wouldn’t want you to be portrayed as a dangerously homophobic lunatic that directly enticed the population of Uganda to engage in vigilante style justice…

Tax the Churches!

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In light of your economy slowly going down the toilet, a few enlightened politicians are asking the question that’s been on my mind since I’ve started this website: “why are churches tax exempt”? Enter Senator Chuck Grassley, who seems to think that churches are benefiting from tax exemption in a way that is patently unfair:

“THE constitution does not require the government to exempt churches from federal income taxation or from filing tax and information returns.” The potential implications of this comment, in a report earlier this month by Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa, are starting to dawn on a large chunk of America’s charitable sector, which has until now taken for granted that it is exempt from tax.

The salient point is abuse is fairly rampant, since unlike charitable organizations, churches aren’t required to open their books to the public, and employees of these organizations often benefit from tax free monies to pay for their mortgages, cars, and other expenses. Worse still, many churches have side businesses such as coffee shops, books stores, and in some cases, even selling oil and gas.

By not paying any taxes, every citizen is in effect subsidizing religion, and I don’t recall ever being consulted on this matter. I don’t mind paying for roads, health services, firefighters and police officers, but I draw the line at indoctrination. If you want to teach your children about bullshit fairy tales, do it on your own fucking dime.

Ugandan gay rights activist murdered

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You might recall a few months ago, a Ugandan tabloid called “Rolling Stone” published an article identifying a number of homosexuals in an attempt to entice violence. David Kato brought these homophobic bastards to court, and won. His victory, however, was short-lived, as his infamy in the country eventually led to his murder.

David Kato, the advocacy officer for Sexual Minorities Uganda, was bludgeoned to death in Mukono, Kampala, yesterday afternoon. Witnesses saw a man fleeing the scene in a car, and police are investigating.

Along with other Ugandan gay activists, Kato had reported increased harassment since 3 January, when a high court judge granted a permanent injunction against the Rolling Stone tabloid newspaper, preventing it from identifying homosexuals in its pages.

Although Uganda was always very homophobic, it took the inspiration of evangelical leaders in the US to really stoke the fires, which are raging indeed. It’s becoming increasingly dangerous for gays and lesbians, many of whom are seeking asylum in an attempt to avoid Kato’s fate.

I wonder when the crocodile tears will be shed by evangelical leaders who, without their tireless effort, none of this would have been possible. When will we all wake up to the fact that if they had their way, homosexuals would be jailed, beaten or killed for the “crime” of disobeying the supposed commands of a sky fairy?

Auto-tune used for good instead of evil

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If you’ve been a regular visitor of the site for a while, you’ll recall I’m quite partial to these kinds of auto-tune symphonies about science. It’s the one time when I can actually stand what is arguably the worst musical invention since the Theremin.

Texas doesn’t grasp “separation of church and state” concept

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Oh Texas, can you possibly go one day without embarrassing yourself? It wasn’t enough that your governor is trying to prevent women from having abortions: now one of your counties has erected a monument to the Ten Commandments in the courthouse square of Oldham County.

The constitutionality of displaying the Ten Commandments in public squares and buildings has been tested elsewhere with varying results.

“The laws are very convoluted,” said Manuel Quinto-Pozos, staff attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union of Texas. “Does it represent the government’s endorsement or seal of approval for a religion?” Quinto-Pozos said he knows of no current court challenges in Texas. How and where the commandments are displayed makes a difference.

“In short, it depends — on context, history and motive,” Charles Haynes, a First Amendment Center senior scholar, wrote in 2005

Yeah, I wonder what the “context” of this gigantic monument to the Abrahamic God of the Bible is. Could it possibly be the endorsement of a specific religion?

I’m doubtful anyone in this tiny county is going to dispute the constitutionality of the monument, mostly because it’s a gigantic waste of time and money to do so. Another victory for the religious, and another defeat for those who maintain the notion America is a secular nation.

Christian hate group attempts to burn gay man alive

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What’s more Christian than a good old fashioned burning? Why, it’s homicidal rage against homosexuals, of course. And what better way to show your love for a 2000 year old failed Jewish prophet than by combining these two activities?

Chris Staples, a citizen of Carroll County GA, woke up with his home set a blaze after receiving a threatening anti-gay note. Staples gives the account of a rock with the threatening note being thrown through his window as he was watching TV and finishing a cigarette. He said the note read “We know you’re gay. And God hates gays. You won’t be raping anybody in the county and God’s going to make sure that you burn in hell.’ And something about my daddy… my daddy will make sure you burn in hell.” Several [hours] later Staples woke up with his house burning to the ground, and was lucky to barely escape.

If you thought that violence against gays and lesbian was subsiding, I’m sad to report you live in a sheltered world and need to wake the fuck up. Homophobia is very real, and the incendiary rhetoric of Christian hate groups (for there’s always a strong religious element to them) has escalated the conflict beyond simple name-calling.

Texas Governor wants to make abortion more of a pain

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If you’re a pregnant woman faced with the difficult decision of aborting your child, Gov. Rick Perry has a few words for you:

“When you consider the magnitude of the decision to have an abortion, ensuring that the patient understands what’s truly at stake seems a small step to take,” Gov. Perry said. “When someone has all the information, the right choice – the choice of life – becomes clear. Now our legislature can take fast action on this important bill because we all know when it comes to saving lives, every second counts.”

This was his speech during a “Rally for Life” where he declared his efforts to pass through legislation that would make it mandatory for women seeking an abortion to have a sonogram.

It’s pretty obvious what he’s trying to do here: he wants to discourage abortion, and he figures having to look your baby “in the face” will change more than a few minds. Ignoring the fact this kind of thing completely violates their rights as a patient, I find it more than a little ironic a state that executes more criminals than almost every other state combined would pride itself on “choosing life”. I guess life only counts when it’s in amniotic fluid, cuz once it’s out of the womb, it better not ask for any financial assistance, am I right?

Mom kills infant son, claims he was possessed

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Now I’m aware reading the news can give you a false perspective about the world, since they typically report unusual and shocking news. With that in mind, it’s hard to not feel like you’re surrounded by religious nutjobs when one of them kills her son by asphyxiating him because she thought he was possessed. It kind of makes you feel like the whole world is a little messed up.

Prosecutors formally filed charges Tuesday against 31-year-old Latisha Lawson including two counts of battery and three counts of neglecting a dependent for the alleged abuse of her two children in November 2009…

On December 21, authorities interviewed Lawson’s daughter, who confirmed she and her brother had been given the olive oil and vinegar because their mother thought they were possessed. The 10-year-old reportedly said that she immediately vomited afterward but that Jeziah King died as he was spitting out the mixture. She also alleged that Lawson put his body on a bed and had her pray over him before moving the body to a closet. According to her, Lawson placed the body in a plastic tote when they moved out of that apartment and kept him with them.

How do some people get this creepy? Moving your decomposing dead 3 year old son around in a plastic tote bag has got to be one of the most gruesome moves in the history of bad moves.

I’ve got 10 bucks that says that no one was quite aware of just how crazy and demented this woman was specifically because of how devoted and religious she appeared to be. I’ve lost count of how many times mental illness has been covered up by religion. If believing in an invisible imaginary friend isn’t considered insanity, what hope do we have to properly identify it?

You’re not my brother, pal

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I can accept the fact that some people are just going to flat out detest people who don’t believe exactly what they do. It’s well within someone’s right to be a selfish dick, but I draw the line when the person in question has a job that requires requires them to forgo their petty, xenophobic tendencies.

I’m fairly confident you’ll agree a governor should be someone who places the good of the voting public above his private beliefs, but unfortunately it seems as though not everyone shares this attitude. In Alabama, the new Republican governor Robert Bentley had a special message to those who didn’t believe in his bearded hippie God:

“I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind.”

“But if you have been adopted in God’s family like I have, and like you have if you’re a Christian and if you’re saved, and the Holy Spirit lives within you just like the Holy Spirit lives within me, then you know what that makes? It makes you and me brothers. And it makes you and me brother and sister.”

Bentley added, “Now I will have to say that, if we don’t have the same daddy, we’re not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior, I’m telling you, you’re not my brother and you’re not my sister, and I want to be your brother”.

Wow, you’re color blind, Robby? How enlightened! It must almost feel like you’re a good person when you claim not to judge people based on the color of their skin. Too bad you don’t seem to take the same attitude regarding their beliefs, you close-minded prick.

Hitchens on Freedom of Speech

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Yes, I am a Hitchens fanboy and will post just about anything the man says, but in my defense, you can’t help but acknowledge the man is brilliant. Here’s an old video of him talking about freedom of speech. My favorite part is when he argues it’s the right of people not only to speak their minds, but also for others to hear the opinions of others. Simply awesome.