Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Tim Minchin learns a valuable lesson

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Some of you might already be aware Tim Minchin wrote an atheist Christmas song for a charity CD, and the proceeds went to the Salvation Army. He decided not to make a big deal of it, and the whole thing would have gone unnoticed…if not for the fact the organization lambasted him, saying they did not “approve” of his message.

Even the Salvation Army itself said it was disappointed with the track, with spokesman Neil Venables saying: ‘We do not in any way support the statements made in this song.’

Minchin in return has slated his critics. On Twitter he wrote: “I gave my song for free, putting aside my philosophical objection to the Salvation Army for the sake of beneficiaries. Imbeciles…I think the Salvos are idiots. I didn’t know they would benefit from the CD, but by the time I found out I didn’t want to make too much of a fuss. So I gave my song free, then they turn around and say that they don’t agree with the sentiment of the song. Part of me is hugely outraged by what imbeciles they are, to bite the hand that feeds them and put their proselytizing above charity. I won’t make this mistake again. I tweeted that if people want to buy my version of the song independently, I’ll give the proceeds away to a non-proselytizing charity.”

So the lesson here is simple: don’t give to charities that can’t appreciate the generosity of others who don’t share their fanciful notions about the supernatural.

Richard Dawkins documentary on Faith Schools

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With 1/3 of all British schools being faith based, Dawkins released this doc examining why they exist, and how their rebirth has forced parents to change their behavior in order to give their kids the best access to education. Faith has about as much place in a state run school as prayer does; which is to say none. If you aren’t British, odds are you haven’t seen this, so enjoy.

The Bible is fireproof!

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I love how religious rubes cling to anything that has the hint of a miracle as proof of the solvency of their belief. So much for blind faith!

A family living in a mobile home had an electric fire that destroyed everything inside about out, but while sifting through the ashes, they found this burnt out Bible, and immediately thought something miraculous had happened.

The family didn’t want to go on camera Sunday, but one member says, “The Bible is proof that God’s word can’t be destroyed.”

I think the “miracle” would have been your mobile shack not bursting into flame and destroying what crappy possessions you already owned. Now the only thing you have is a Bible that’s burned to shit, and a re-enforced belief God is so powerful he can prevent his “word” from getting 100% torched. Bask in the works of this omnipotent deity and his endlessly impressive parlor tricks!

If humans built computers, it means God created the Universe!

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Remember Kent Hovind? He was probably the most famous and prolific of all the travelling creationists, going from county to county saying silly shit like “Noah’s flood really happened”, and “dinosaurs and man lived together in harmony” before Adam and Eve eventually pissed off God. In 2007 he was thrown in jail for various tax offenses, and he claimed his money belonged to God, not the government. Since his incarceration, his idiot son has taken up the mantle, and like his old man, Eric is convinced his quaint book of mythology is a literal historical account of Earth’s history.

It looks like jail isn’t enough to stop Kent from occasionally writing blog posts from the slammer, and the latest gem is his air-tight argument because things like computers need human designers, the Universe had to come from God.

Physicist and author Stephen Hawking says that no God was required to make the universe. Stephen, please give a scientific explanation for how your computer came to be without referring to any outside source of power or design such as “man.”

Your answer must be confined to natural causes within the elements of the machine. You can refer to physical forces like inertia, gravity, centrifugal force, etc., even though it could be argued that even they need a designer! If you choose to involve long time periods for your explanation, then also please factor in the disintegration and natural decomposition of the various materials in the computer as well.

Isn’t it awesome when you can built your own pathetic strawman arguments and then effortlessly knock them down? Sure Kent, we have to invoke designers when talking about computers, but so what? It’s simply just a semantic argument at the end of the day. We see the world through the eyes of designers (since that’s what we are) and assume because we build complex stuff, something amazingly complex like a Universe must also be designed. Although this pathetic argument sounds convincing to morons like Kent who have already made up their minds about whether or not God exists (and in turn what this bearded sky man wants from you), the rest of us see through it like grandpa’s underpants.

(Update: The blog has since been taken down)

Here’s a crazy thought: atheism needs more money

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Do you remember the Daniel Dennet lecture a few months ago regarding a pilot study he was conducting about atheist priests still giving sermons? If you never watched it and have an hour to kill, I highly recommend going back and checking it out. If you want the short version of what the hell that must be like, check out this article:  The main theme seems to be: “I can’t quit my job because I’m an expert in nonsense and have no marketable skills.”

If you think about it, the reason these guys can’t leave their shitty jobs is they have bills to pay, and apparently duping people with supernatural nonsense is still where it’s at. I joke around about the fact preachers are experts at fairy tales, but when the reality of that hits home, and in particular threatens your wallet, I’m sure we’d probably do the same thing.

I had a thought while reading the article however; are their skills not marketable at all outside preaching? If they were so effective convincing people  God exists, why couldn’t they do something similar to show people that “He” doesn’t for a living?

Sure, you could say the real problem is there’s really no money in it. Fair enough. But why not? We’ve seen time and time again that religionists have deep pockets, while our measly track record isn’t even in the same league. We’re goddamn amateurs when it comes to this stuff, and I think it’s time we started changing that fact. We’ve got to get in the habit of supporting more organizations, or if you aren’t personally satisfied with the ones existing today, maybe start your own. We need clear, concise goals. We need dedicated and smart people to make them happen, and most of all, we need some fucking money.

Am I alone in thinking it might be time for atheists to start thinking about really doing more to help the cause?

New study finds American adults are dumb

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What’s got me riled up today? It could be this recent survey by the Pew forum on Religion and Public life found over two thirds of the adult population of the US believes in angels. And when I say angels, I don’t mean dudes like Metatron who only show up when a deranged father is about to kill his youngest son. No, I’m talking about the kinds that are all over the place, supposedly protecting people. I guess some of them just suck at their jobs more than others.

The article in question goes on to list a number of random, lucky circumstances the people involved have attributed to “miracles”. This one in particular seemed to jump out in terms of stupidity:

He [Hipp] was riding with his wife Penny when he got in a terrible accident.

“Shot the motorcycle up five feet in the air, and catapulted me about 20 feet over in the grass. But Penny was lying in the asphalt,” said Hipp. “By the time I got to her, she had no feeling from the waist down.”

At the hospital, the doctor delivered some terrible news.

“He said, ‘I don’t know if your wife will ever walk again. Her spine seems to be very mangled,’” Hipp said.

Hipp began to pray, then took a leap of faith.

“I probably shouldn’t have done it,” said Hipp. “It wasn’t advisable to do it, but I wanted to see my wife walk.”

He pulled her out of the bed.

“Something supernatural happened when I pulled her off that bed and her foot hit the floor, something happened. She said it was like fire started in her feet, went all the way up her legs, up her back, up her spine, and God healed her,” he said.

This idiot is lucky he didn’t make things worse. The doctors weren’t sure if she could walk, and yet Einstein here (who had already sent her in the hospital in the first place) made her stand up because a fucking voice in his head told him to do it. Would he have thought it was a miracle if his actions had actually prevented her from ever walking again? What about all the people who are stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives? Did their guardian angels fail them, or is it simply some people are just lucky, and others aren’t?

Wait, it gets even lamer than the motorcycle story. Apparently, angels don’t just protect people: they also act as messengers for even the most banal moments:

Years ago, before the age of cell phones, Sue was on her way to a Friday night Bible study. She was going to pick up a young woman in her 20s who just moved into town. The woman lived in a nice area where many rich singles lived. Unfortunately, Sue was running late.

“I said a prayer saying, ‘Please reassure her I’m coming,’” Werner recalled. The woman later recounted that she thought Werner forgot about her. The woman was about to leave but something interesting happened.

“Just at that moment, a brand new, super shiny silver Corvette pulled up with a very tall good looking man got out, walked straight up to her and said, ‘Don’t worry, she’s coming. She’ll be here in a few moments,’” Werner said.

The woman later described that the man and the car simply vanished just as Werner pulled up.

“He didn’t come up and try to pick her up or say ‘Hey, can I help you?’ He didn’t. How did he know I’d be there in a few moments and I was?” Werner asked.

Wow, how inspired! I’m totally convinced now, and it’s a miracle; I’ve lost all desire to make fun of these obviously incorrect fools. Hallelujah!

Look folks, the world would be a weird place if there were NO coincidences or strange occurrences happening at all. I know these experiences can be overwhelming, especially if you’ve been fed stupid ideas like “angels exist” and “God is a bearded old man who loves you”, but you have to stop looking to the supernatural for explanations about the real world. Every time you do, the rest of us feel embarrassed for humanity.

Carl Sagan’s last interview

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It’s awesome to watch this interview, but watching him with his hair falling out kind of makes me think about losing him, and even worse, it makes me think about the fading of Christopher Hitchens as well. Damn you to Hell, cancer!

My Jesus statue is bigger than yours!

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The first sign someone is a dangerous dictator usually comes when gigantic statues supposedly commemorating the fact these people are our lords and masters start popping up all over the place. It’s a pretty old tactic which is as old as civilization itself. I would have hoped with the death of theocratic tyrants, we would be done with this dangerous tradition. Apparently not.

A small town in Poland decided to build the biggest and evidently tackiest of all the Jesus statues in the world. It stands at over 170 feet tall, a reminder the “king of kings” left specific instructions in the New Testament to build huge structures to let everyone know who is really in charge (yeah, too bad he actually didn’t say anything remotely close to that).

You could argue this tacky monstrosity is intended to attract tourists, but if a giant statue of Jesus is enough to make you travel to this dank hell-hole, you deserve all the shitty food and service you get.

I wouldn’t even have much of an issue with this huge waste of money if not for the fact this beast has a gigantic, golden crown on its head, a clear indication this dude is supposed to be “the ruler of mankind”. Are you not tired of this antiquated and dangerous symbol? Humanity only started tasting a bit of freedom when we said “fuck off” to the whole concept of kings. The last thing we need is a new dictator, especially one who died 2000 years ago (well, supposedly).

On the plus side, you can look at this statue as a testament to the insecurity of the faithful. After all, their God is invisible, and a total no-show so far. The only way “He” can feel real to these deluded apes is by having a gigantic, 170 foot avatar to “remind” them he’s not just a figment of their imagination. Besides, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the old saying: “the bigger they are, the harder they fall”.

Australia’s Education Minister bows to Christian lobby

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Now I know a number of you Aussies are still gloating over the fact that your Prime Minister is a non-believer, but I’m sorry to announce to some of you this lack of belief doesn’t seem to be having much of an influence on policy. A few weeks ago, controversy erupted when it was suggested a new “humanism” course should be included in schools as an alternative to religious education. Christians freaked out naturally, and started accusing humanists of being no better than Satanists (I wish I was kidding about that one).

Despite the course being designed and ready to be implemented, Minister Bronwyn Pike rejected the proposal in an obvious attempt to placate powerful Christian lobbies.

There you have it folks: it’s as easy as that to kill secular programs. All you need is an army of rabid, uneducated zombies who insist a secular alternative to their nonsense is unacceptable. So students who “opt out” of the classes will still be stuck with their thumbs up their ass, waiting for their fellow students to be done being taught that an invisible man in the sky created the world for them.

Children who do not attend these sessions are not allowed to be taught anything their classmates might miss out on during this time, so they are often put in another room where they read or play on computers.

That sure sounds like religion’s handy work, right? They prefer students do nothing rather than learn about “…the art of living, the environment, philosophy, science and world citizenship.” With their powerful and influential vote, they’ve managed to shut down this program until someone with fucking balls tells them to keep their retarded, uneducated opinions to themselves. This is a pretty big fail moment, my Aussie friends…

Muslims furious over life conviction for MP stabber

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Roshonara Choudhry would still be continuing her studies to become a teacher, if she hadn’t been seduced by Islamic fundamentalism. Instead of living a comfortably being a contributing member of society, she’ll be spending her life in jail for the attempted murder of MP Stephen Timms:

Choudhry stabbed Mr Timms, 55, with a kitchen knife at his constituency surgery. She told officers she had intended to kill him for his support of the Iraq war and would have “kept stabbing him until someone stopped me”.

So why did this otherwise shy girl decide to kill him? Turns out Timms had supported the Iraq War, and Chourdry decided it was time for a little jihad of her own.

The court heard that Choudhry had been radicalised by watching extremist internet videos of Anwar al-Awlaki, wanted over the cargo jet ink bombs.

Awlaki has made several speeches urging followers to do “what they could, when they could, no matter how small,” to help al-Qaida’s campaign of terror.

There was pandemonium as a protest erupted outside, presumably to support actions of Choudhry. One protester even shouted at a Muslim member of the jury, saying “shame on you sister…judging a Muslim sister”.

It seems as though you can’t even fucking convict an obviously deranged fundie without getting other members of this poisonous belief system upset. Yeah, I know there are plenty of Muslims who condemn this type of violence, but can you not see why everyone in Europe is flipping out over similar problems? Your co-religionists are acting insane, and it’s only getting worse. The real protest outside the court should have been against al-Awlaki, not against the government trying to prosecute a criminal.

Ray Comfort gets PWNED

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Ray Comfort gets spanked by Bruce the Atheist. It’s as satisfying as that sounds. Sure, there are some annoying parts where Ray shoots his mouth off with his nonsense, but I’m sure you can power through those parts.

At least these psychos are refreshingly honest

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Most mainstream religions tend to forget the relationship between man and God is one of endless servitude and submission. The classic imagery the faithful tend to use is of a shepherd and his flock, but this has always masked the much more accurate metaphor the Bible offers; that we are slaves to the master’s will. That’s why the Morning Star Ministries are a refreshing bunch of nutjobs who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is:

Who then is the faithful and sensible slave whom his master put in charge of his household to give them their food at the proper time?

Blessed is that slave whom his master finds so doing when he comes. To comply with this mandate, we seek to always serve the Master’s household, not be served by it. Our ministry motto is: “We will not use people to build our ministry, but we use our ministry to build people.”

One of the primary ways that we are called to do this is to provide the household of faith with the highest quality spiritual food that is timely, or “meat in due season.” Our goal is to help strengthen the church by helping believers become the strongest Christians possible, and therefore true light and salt in the earth.

Ok, to be fair these guys aren’t actually very honest, especially considering they have an entire section devoted to “covert ministries“. This is to help missionaries who are living in countries “closed” to the message of Christianity figure out how to ultimately witness to people. The instructions given sound a lot like what you might expect a terrorist cell operates like, but when you have people stationed in Saudi Arabia and other similar countries, I can’t say I blame them.

If you’re looking for a good laugh, check out one of their videos on “Marxism”  I included below. Isn’t it funny how much they hate socialism? I’m more frightened by their theocratic aspirations than I am by things like “socialized medicine”, but if you aren’t scared shitless by the thought of Stalin controlling your life, let this “special forces officer” inform you on the true dangers of Marxism in America!

Execution of Sakineh Ashtiani is imminent

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You have to love how crazy Iran is sometimes. In 2006 they arrested a woman by the name of Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani for having “illicit relationships” with two men after her husband’s death. She was then judiciously tortured, and made to confess she had also been adulterous. This conviction under Sharia Law meant she was to be executed via stoning, although recently it was changed to hanging after all the bad press stoning has been getting recently.

Iran is playing aloof, claiming that Ashtiani will not be executed, but France’s Foreign Minister isn’t convinced. He says her sentence could be carried out any day now.

While I was reading this article on the rag that is the Huffington Post, I noticed an article by a Muslim apologist claiming Sharia Law is compatible with the Bill of Rights, and sensationalism was being used to tarnish it.

The Center for Security Policy wants Americans to think that stoning and amputations are around the corner, but the report can’t quite explain why stonings are so rare and the streets of Saudi Arabia and Iran are not filled with one-armed thieves.

The Qur’an never mentions stoning as a punishment and there are conflicting interpretations of the Prophet’s involvement in implementing it. The most common interpretation is of a woman consumed with guilt over an adulterous affair that resulted in a child. She pestered the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) literally for years for him to wash away her sins with a death sentence. He refused, but when he could no longer find an excuse to send her away, he reluctantly agreed to punish her. What non-Muslim Sharia “experts” fail to mention is that stoning a person who commits adultery requires four eyewitnesses to the actual act of sexual intercourse. This fantastical burden of proof is almost impossible to fulfill. And rightly so. It’s designed as prevention, not an actual punishment.

So I guess this burden of proof was fulfilled in the case of Ashtiani, right? So much for “impossible to fulfill”. This is what angers me about moderate Muslims; they are in complete denial over the fact Sharia Law is actually killing and dismembering people on a regular basis. As far as they are concerned, these are just the actions of rogue Muslims who don’t represent the majority. What the fuck are we supposed to believe here? The author of this article claims Ashtiani’s conviction is in fact not Sharia, but rather simply politics. How are you supposed to make that distinction, lady?

Should we really be surprised moderate Muslims are in denial over the reality of their barbaric religious traditions? Denial of reality is their specialty, people!

(Update: Her sentence was eventually commuted after a 9 year sentence)

Atheists are perverse!

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With newfound confidence comes new problems. As atheists, we’re beginning to see a backlash against rationalism from our sectarian counterparts who feel threatened by our lack of faith. They see it as “perverse” and a “threat to society”. That’s according to Italy’s Foreign Minister Franco Frattini who called on Muslims, Jews and Christians to unite against atheism, materialism and relativism.

Christians also must be able to forge an agreement with Muslims on how to fight those aspects which, like all extremisms, threaten society. I refer to atheism, materialism and relativism. Christians, Muslims and Jews can work together to reach this common objective. I believe it’s time for a new humanism in order to struggle against these perverse phenomena, because only the centrality of the human being is an antidote to fanaticism and [sic]intolerance.

So the centrality of the human being helped stop the Inquisition, the Crusades and suicide bombings, right?

You can read a great summary of this nonsense here, and I won’t go into any detail other than to say this kind of behavior and rhetoric is bound to get worse, not better. Religionists are frustrated by the fact they haven’t won an argument since the Dark Ages, and their usual M.O. of torture, intimidation and vilification are the only tactics they’ve ever had success with. If you knew how many people would bring back the “good old days” of the Inquisition, you’d probably never leave your house.

We’re the most despised minority in the world, and as we slowly move out of “the closet”, what do we encounter? Fear, distrust and hatred. As the true scope of non-belief around the world becomes known (we aren’t as small a minority as everyone would lead you to believe), we should be weary of those blowing war trumpets. They are calling for our heads, and we must expose these dangerous bigots as the delusional loons they are.

Abusive father made daughter pray for forgiveness

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You know the tired argument that without religion, human beings are incapable of making proper moral judgements? Here’s another great example of just how stupid and wrong this belief is: A New Zealand man was given a 3 year jail sentence for sexually abusing his daughter from the ages of 5 to 11. The really fucked up thing (beyond him not getting a jail sentence at least as long as the abuse) is he would make her pray for forgiveness every time he sexually abused her.

His daughter said she lost all respect for the church, God and the Bible as a result of her father’s offending.

“He was supposed to be Christian but look at all the evil he was doing.” She said he looked like a monster to her. He would make her pray with him for forgiveness after the sexual abuse, but she knew she had not done anything wrong.

“I wanted Dad to say what he had done but he just lied and never took responsibility.” She told the court how her life had deteriorated.

If he did something fucked-up because of religion, then trust me girl, he IS a Christian. They have a long and colored history of abusing women; it was called the Inquisition, and it’s still a gigantic shit-stain on their history they would rather gloss over (it’s not likely to show up in Sunday School discussions). It’s just unfortunate for them the whole thing lasted over 4 centuries. Kinda makes hiding it a bit “tricky”.

What really scares me about religious rubes is how they tend to justify improper or evil actions through their religious convictions. Because he was convinced a God spoke directly to him, who knows what kind of crazy reasoning this man was allowed to conjure up in his own mind. And what’s up with him making his daughter pray for forgiveness? Did he blame her for his temptation, or did he think this was a test from God? Just more proof belief in a higher power has no bearing on morality. Will our sectarian counterparts ever “get it”?