Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

GOP candidate attacks opponent for believing in evolution

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What’s wrong with this particular story: a GOP candidate gets “accused” of supporting the teaching of evolution in classrooms, and of saying the Bible is not the infallible word of God, and his reaction to the ad is to re-affirm his commitment to the idea the Earth is only 6000 years old.

As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God. As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state.

This fucking moron is actually proud he’s fought to ensure students in Alabama will be grossly under-prepared for the realities of the world outside their precious religious bubble. Now I know what you’re thinking: that Alabama is full of chicken-fuckers who don’t know their ass from their elbows, but you’ve got to figure there are at least a few reasonable people who object to the fact the biggest controversy in this Governor race is whether or not a candidate blindly follows his Christian teachings. Please tell me there are, otherwise I’m going to have to start drinking heavily…

Ted Haggard is back in the preaching business

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I feel sorry for Ted Haggard. After being exposed as a crystal meth smokin’ closeted homo, the church he helped build forced him out of the state, and totally disowned him. With his friends and support network having abandoned him, he’s spent the last few years trying to figure out what to do with his life. Turns out being a preacher doesn’t give you a lot of marketable skills, so he’s gone back to his bread and butter, opening a small church in his home he calls “St. James” (a nod to a Book of James passage that says “faith without works is dead”).

Rather than accept the fact he’s hungry for rock hard man cock, he’s come back to the religious fold to continue preaching a gospel that quite clearly states that these feelings are an abomination. It reminds me how people can often create their own private kind of Hell by refusing to accept reality. If Haggard is deluded enough to think this is the life he wants, he’s forgotten his constant craving for man-sausage will cause him an unbelievable amount of internal conflict and pain.

Why don’t you stop living a fucking lie and just succumb to your biological urge to have sex with other men? There’s really nothing wrong with it; the only reason you feel this way is because of a primitive book that was written long ago by a bunch of primitive, ignorant sheep fuckers who thought the earth was flat and diseases were caused by demons. Do you really want to base your life on their bullshit “insights”?

Religion makes old fart act like a child

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Is it just me or does this guy look like he took a couple “poppers” before heading off to his tiny hole-in-the-wall church? How is this any different than a 4 year old child having a little freak-out with their imaginary friend? You need to stop giving this guy sugar in the morning!

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Lars Vilks attacked by Muslims at free speech lecture

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Dear Islam,

We’re sick and tired of your shit. Your followers can’t seem to get it through their primitive, 7th century minds the freedom to speak our minds (no matter how offensive it may be) is one of our most treasured rights. It permits anyone to denigrate your precious religion and its prophet if they feel the desire to do so. We don’t care if you believe blasphemy is a crime punishable by death: you are not in charge here, and the government and its citizens have no obligation to protect you from having your little feelings hurt.

If you think it’s acceptable to use violence as a way of silencing dissension, then the real possibility exists you simply won’t be allowed to participate in this little experiment we call “freedom” anymore. If you want to live in a world where even the slightest mention of Mohammed in a less than flattering light results in a vicious beating or even execution, you are more than welcome to immigrate to a country where this barbarism is acceptable. I might suggest Saudi Arabia; I hear they love to punish infidels there.

Your religion, like all the others, is a slow cancer on the human race. You pretend you are a religion of peace, but I find no great charity in your incessant need to harm anyone who hurts your fragile ego. Your imams are experts in nonsense, as are all other religious figures. If the best you can muster when someone is being attacked for making a few drawings of Mohammed is “Allah Akbar”, then you seriously have nothing good to contribute to this world. The only thing that saddens me about your pathetic excuse for a religion is you’ll never get the opportunity to realize your ignorant beliefs are all bullshit.

Sarah Palin makes my head hurt

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By now I’m sure you’ve seen this video, or at the very least heard others talk about the fact Sarah Palin seems to think the Bible (and in particular the 10 commandments) is an excellent resource for the crafting of modern laws. It’s what her religious zombies want her to say, even though there isn’t one person alive who can tell you exactly HOW you’re supposed to use this ancient, primitive text to prescribe laws in this complex and modern world. What are you supposed to do about issues of slavery, genocide, infanticide, murder, and animal sacrifices, all of which are condoned in this supposed “holy” text.

So which Commandment does Sarah Palin want laws made from? Would she try and make adultery a crime? Presumably you’d probably need to jail close to half of the adult male population if extra-marital sex was suddenly against the law. What about a law against making false idols, or working on a Sunday? Are you doubly screwed if you worked one weekend at a chocolate bunny factory? These “crimes”  are all punishable by death; does that mean we would need to issue the death penalty for single mothers who need to work 7 days a week to provide food for their families? The “big guy” also doesn’t seem very enthusiastic about the whole “coveting your neighbor’s ass” thing also, so I wonder how a modern capitalist society is going to enforce that one…

Luckily, all of these questions can be answered by turning to the Bible for guidance in this matter. Let us turn to First Timothy, chapter 2 verse 11:

A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet

Phew, and here I thought we’d have to keep listening to this crazy bitch!

Ontario teachers desperate for work “fake” being Catholic

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In the province of Ontario, it seems like teachers are having a hard time finding work. Some are so desperate they’ve started “faking” religious belief in order to find work. The Globe and Mail is reporting a number of out of work teachers have been pretending to be Catholic in order to teach in private Catholic Schools. In Ontario, there is actually a law which allows these private schools to discriminate against employees who are not of the same faith, and to get in, you need a pastoral letter confirming the fact you believe in zombie Jesus.

Hey, I don’t blame these teachers for lying, especially considering the fact thousands of educators can’t seem to find work in the province. Still, it does seem pretty shitty that otherwise qualified individuals have to pass a religious “purity” test just to have a fucking job. How would you like having to lick the boots of religion just to make ends meet?

Polish pop star faces 2 years in jail for blasphemy

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Looks like Poland is joining the list of gutless countries that want to jail people for speaking their minds about religion. The latest victim of this witch hunt is pop star Dorota Rabczewska (known as Doda), who was charged for an interview she did a year ago saying she believed in dinosaurs more than a book written by “people who drank too much wine and smoked herbal cigarettes”. For saying something so innocuous, this Polish goddess is facing up to two years in the slammer.

I know there are still a lot of atheists who find my “in your face” faithlessness a little disturbing, even abrasive at times. But we don’t live in a world where we are free to speak our minds just yet; religious institutions still want to silence our objections, our questions, and our anger. They do this by helping to fashion laws to scare us into silence, and because we are still so poorly represented in most of the world’s government, there’s little we can do to fight this kind of oppression.

Oh, and if you think this smokin’ hot mama is just another bimbo who doesn’t know her ass from her elbow, keep in mind that she is a card carrying member of Mensa (yeah, I know they are useless, but maybe they just want to hang out and feel smart). I’ve never believed in standard intelligence tests, but at the very least it means she isn’t a complete moron. Oh, and if you’re like me and suddenly in love, you’ll have to get through this scary guy to talk to her.

(Update: Her conviction was eventually overturned by EU courts, but it was a tough battle)

Muslim man argues that Koran “proves” Earth is flat

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Behold, the amazement that is religious dogma: here we have a man who is trying to argue that the Earth is flat, and it rotates around the moon. He believes in these things unquestioningly because his religious tome proclaims it. Any evidence to the contrary must be denied, since according to him, “Anything not indicated in the Koran is false”.

To be this ignorant, you really have to be a believer. How else could you entertain such astonishingly stupid and wrong ideas with such conviction?

Jehovah Witness family abandons child after blood transfusion

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I’m not a parent, so it’s difficult for me to comprehend what it feels like to actually have to take care of one of these screaming whelps. As far as I can tell, they smell, they cry and jump around a lot, and when they get older, they get all “angsty” and totally hate your guts. I’ve been told, however, the experience is rewarding enough to put up with the mega hassle.

One thing I do know for certain is your own brain is changed when you have a kid, and your affection for said child can border on scary. I know a lot of parents would jump in front of a speeding bus filled with rabies infested tigers to preserve their genetic legacy, so it surprises me whenever someone disavows their own progeny for obscure religious reasons.

Last Tuesday, a 5 year old child was admitted into the Eduibiase Government Hospital in Ghana, and was in desperate need for a blood transfusion. Despite the parent’s protest, the doctors decided to save Jepheth’s life, and as a result, the family has disowned the boy.

There are those that refuse to believe parents could disown their children over such a seemingly trivial thing, but this kind of tragedy happens all the time. Some parents can even try extreme measures to prevent their kids from receiving any treatment.

The root cause of all this brouhaha is the archaic belief blood should only be reserved for atonement (the rather disgusting idea people need to be sacrificed to appease gods is something we’ve been stuck with for a long time, unfortunately). Silly me; I actually thought the primary purpose of blood was to carry oxygen and nutrients to all the cells in your body!

Another tragic example of the divisive power of religion, tearing families apart over their stupid fucking theological dogma bullshit.

Catholic Church says it’s society that’s full of pedophiles

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Typically if you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar (a rather generous metaphor considering these pederast pieces of shit were raping kids), it’s not a good idea to blame someone else for your crime. Not only does it give everyone the impression you are incapable of admitting to your guilt; it totally undermines people’s future trust in you. That’s why I find the continued denial of the Church regarding sexual abuse scandals so baffling; surely they must secretly want the public to slowly turn on them or something.

How else can you explain the baffling shit they keep on saying? Take the latest statement from Archbishop Dadeus Grings; he claims adolescents are “spontaneously gay”, and society at large is pedophile, not their institution.

“When sexuality is trivialized, it’s clear that this is going to affect all cases. Homosexuality is such a case. Before, the homosexual wasn’t spoken of. He was discriminated against.
“When we begin to say they have rights, rights to demonstrate publicly, pretty soon, we’ll find the rights of pedophiles,” he said.

Today’s scapegoats have pink triangles on their shoulder rather than stars of David, but the idea is still the same: blame all of your problems on someone else so no one has time to realize you’re really the one who is corrupt, evil, and twisted. If you think I’m painting with too broad a brush, consider the fact this douche also claimed the number of Jews murdered in the Holocaust has been grossly exaggerated, and more Catholics were actually killed in the whole affair. Yeah, these guys are really interested in being factual and truthful, don’t you find?

Judge allows Hutaree terrorists to be under house arrest

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Remember the wannabe Christian terrorist group that was arrested in March for plotting to murder a police officer (and subsequently bomb the funeral)? The members of the militia have been released while they await for their trial, on the order of District Judge Victoria Roberts who claims federal prosecutors failed to properly make a case for their incarceration.

The Government relies on the seriousness of the charges as well, to argue that Defendants must be held without bond, because they present a danger to the community. While the Government argues that the Defendants are also a flight risk, its reasons are not persuasive. Importantly, the Court’s Pretrial Services Agency concludes that the Defendants do not present such a risk.

All 9 have been ordered to stay home with an electronic tracking device on their ankle, but a part of me wonders if a bunch of antigovernmental wackos are really going to honor the court’s decision and stay put. This is especially true for anyone facing a possible life sentence. Luckily these guys don’t seem like the brightest bulbs in the bunch, so if they do try take a run for it, I don’t think it’ll be too hard to track them down.

What’s interesting about this case is these wackos didn’t end up actually doing anything, so it’s possible they might argue their First Amendment rights were violated. It’s hard to say how this one will go: they were hoping to kill a lot of cops, and that’s not something which will win you a lot of points with a jury of your peers.

Family Research Co-Founder caught with “callboy”

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Let’s picture a little scenario, shall we? Imagine for a moment you are the co-founder of a blatantly anti-homosexual group, and one day you accidentally get caught with a 20 year old male escort from a site called “RentBoy.com”. Do you:

a) try to play it cool and pretend you only hired the guy to carry your luggage?
b) Claim you are doing research into the homosexual lifestyle?
c) Finally come out of the closet and admit your everlasting love for raging hard boners?

If you chose A, then you have something in common with George Rekers, co-founder of the Family Research Council, who was caught at Miami airport with a callboy who has, according to his profile, a “perfectly built 8 inch cock”.

Obviously this guy is totally finished as a spokesperson for bigotry, so one wonders if he’ll spend the rest of his life like Ted Haggard, needlessly denying what is blatantly obvious to everyone with half a brain, or if he’ll simply embrace his homosexuality.

Look George, it’s really not uncommon for the biggest opponents of gay rights to actually be self-hating gays themselves; it’s still something frowned upon by many religious folks, and I can sympathize perhaps you too were brainwashed into thinking your same sex attraction is evil. I tell you though, now that you’ve been exposed, it’s time to find a new crowd to hang around with. You’ll find your old friends and colleagues are going to have some pretty harsh shit to say, and will do their best to distance themselves from you completely. You have the “stench” of gay in their eyes, and you’ll soon see the value of their “friendship”. Luckily, if you just come out of the closet and admit what you are, you’ll find a whole community of like minded people who would be happy to bring you into their fold. You just need to stop hating yourself first, man!

Christian arrested for preaching homosexuality sinful

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You all know I have a special disdain for homophobic Christians who go around trying to tell everyone that homosexuality is a sin. What I have more disdain for, however, is any government that grants police the power to arrest people simply for saying shit they don’t agree with. Take the Public Order Act in the UK; it was passed into law to supposedly help control soccer hooligans (football for you Europeans), but recently it was used to arrest a man for preaching that homosexuality is against God’s will:

Police officers are alleging that he made the remark in a voice loud enough to be overheard by others and have charged him with using abusive or insulting language, contrary to the Public Order Act.

Christian campaigners have expressed alarm that the Public Order Act, introduced in 1986 to tackle violent rioters and football hooligans, is being used to curb religious free speech.

This is also in the wake of an atheist being sentenced to time served and community service for leaving “insulting” materials in the prayer room of John Lennon Airport. What’s going on here, Britain? Do you have a problem with people speaking their minds? I hate to say it, but if you’re incapable of defending something as basic as free speech, what exactly do you think that says about your country?

I don’t like anyone being jailed for saying something I don’t agree with, even if sometimes the shit spewing from their mouths can be truly evil. Besides, do you really think it’s a good idea to make any of these bigots martyrs?

I love this freakin’ guy!

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Just because you’re old, doesn’t mean you don’t have any fight left in you. Take Jose Saramago, (who won the Nobel Prize in literature in 1998) for instance; he’s recently written a book entitled “Cain”, which is an ironic retelling of the story of Cain in the Bible. At 86 years of age, he’s still able to cause a media frenzy, especially after stating publicly the Bible itself is a “handbook of bad morals“. I officially love this crusty old SOB.

Saramago attacked “a cruel, jealous and unbearable God (who) exists only in our heads” and said he did not think his book would cause problems for the Catholic Church “because Catholics do not read the Bible.

Oh Snap! Until this day I was completely unaware of this guy, or the fact that he wrote a book in 1992 called “The Gospel According to Jesus Christ“. In it, God uses Jesus to try and control the world. Sounds like a fucking hoot! Looks like I need to add this author to my “must read their books” pile,  which seems to keep growing even as my pocketbook shrinks…

UK judge says religious beliefs have no legal standing

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A few weeks ago, a councilor named Gary McFarlane was sacked after he refused to assist a gay couple due to his religious convictions. McFarlane then tried to sue his former employer for religious discrimination (yes, the irony burns deep here), which has subsequently created a firestorm of controversy in the UK. In a way, this recent conflict is really a microcosm for the clash between secularism and sectarianism that is raging, which is why Lord Justice John Grant McKenzie Law’s recent ruling comes as a bit of good news. The suit was thrown out, and here is what McKenzie had to say about the whole thing:

Religious faith is necessarily subjective, being incommunicable by any kind of proof or evidence.” He added that to use the law to protect “a position held purely on religious grounds cannot therefore be justified.”

No religious belief, said the judge, can be protected under the law “however long its tradition, however rich its culture.”

Finally, a bit of common sense for once. I think it’s important that religious people start to accept the fact that their personal beliefs are things that they can privately hold, but that society does not need to necessarily agree with. The notion that homosexuality is a sin and against “God’s will” is not a statement of fact, but rather an ancient prejudice that has been allowed to continue thanks to the tireless efforts of religious bigots from around the world. A country is no more obligated to respect this belief than it needs to respect a man’s right to sell his daughter into slavery.

Now, if you guys could just stop jailing people for no fucking reason, that would be great!