Hey, remember this post I put up a few months back? Well, since Christmas is coming up, I have an excuse to put it up again. You can’t have a merry Christmas without playing this at your holiday party. Guaranteed to get a shitload of laughs, especially if the audience is filled with “Christmas cheer”.
Author Archives: Jacob Fortin
Father Tim Jones is crazy
I’ve been poor my whole life, and there have definitely been times when I’ve been tempted to steal shit when I was desperate. Luckily, I’ve always had good friends to help me out, and I never made any terrible mistakes. Of course, I also never had this guy as a priest, Father Tim Jones who has recently caused controversy when he told his parishioners that it was OK to shoplift.
Father Jones is very specific when he refers to who you can and cannot steal from; big business is OK, since according to him the cost of the theft would be passed on to other more wealthy customers. I guess to him it doesn’t matter that for many people on a tight budget, ballooning costs from shoplifting might exacerbate their problems. Then again, he’s not exactly the brightest guy in the world:
He said he offered the advice “with a heavy heart”, and wished society would recognize that bureaucratic ineptitude and systemic delay had created an “invitation and incentive to crime for people struggling to cope”.
Now I admit there are some people who are really in dire straights, and perhaps to these poor people the temptation to simply take what they need is overwhelming. My worry is that this douchebag is forgetting shoplifting isn’t without consequence, and this bad advice could lead his flock astray. To you and me, Father Jones is really only an expert in nonsense, but to his parishioners he is a man with a direct line to God, and this weighty position comes with a few responsibilities. One of these should be their protection, but I guess he’s too busy “raging against the man” to worry about that.
Why don’t you entice your wealthier congregants to help out the less fortunate instead, sir? It certainly would be better advice, since no one will need to spend Christmas in jail.
Chuck Norris needs a history lesson
I should probably be resigned to the fact Chuck Norris is insane and leave it at that. Unfortunately, his cult like status in society, helped largely by “Chuck Norris facts” which were an Internet phenomenon, seems to allow him a soapbox to preach his insane gospel.
His latest tirade is directed against President Obama, who he feels has failed to put enough emphasis on Jesus during Christmas time. It seems that unless you are telling everyone Jesus is the Lord of the Universe every ten seconds, you’ve failed as a President.
As with many of you, I still remember a day even in Washington when Christ was central to Christmas. It was an America that was far less politically correct – an America that wasn’t afraid to stand up for its belief in the babe who was born in Bethlehem.
When was this Chuck? Presumably also back in the day when it was OK for black people to have their own drinking fountains too, eh? Norris likes to point to the fact that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson loved Christmas, which he believes means they must have loved Jesus as well. He’s blind to the fact Jefferson was accused by his opponents of being an atheist, and Washington, well, his parties seemed to be a lot more fun than the kind Chuck is probably used to. Here’s a testimony from one of his escaped slaves:
She says that the stories told of Washington’s piety and prayers, so far as she ever saw or heard while she was his slave, have no foundation. Card-playing and wine-drinking were the business at his parties, and he had more of such company Sundays than on any other day.
I’m sure in his mind, the Founding Fathers were men of God. He believes this because he needs it to be true (how devastating would it be if he ever admitted many founding fathers had a disdain for religion?); he’s not a particularly smart man, and the concept of intellectual integrity is no match for his roundhouse kicks!
Prosperity Gospels makes me sick
When economic times are rough, Prosperity Gospels flourish. Prosperity churches preach that faith in God ultimately leads to material wealth for those he favors. The charismatic preachers who espouse this philosophy are usually dressed in fine clothing, despite in America, members of these types of churches are typically much poorer than other congregations. That’s because most of these preachers equate faith to amount donated to the church. It’s a brilliant scam really; give me more money, says the preacher, and God will favor you more in the future (just don’t fucking hold your breath).
Joel Osteen (who looks like the bad guy in Shanghai Knights) is the latest jackass to try this routine, and here he is interviewed on CNN telling people to have more faith in the economy, and this will somehow fix it. According to this Atlantic article written shortly after the financial crisis, Prosperity Gospel was actually one of the reasons people had taken on loans for houses they could not afford, being assured by their ministers that God would “find a way” for them to be prosperous.
Think of it as people being dangerously and foolishly positive when it comes to their finances. Now this fucking jackass is trying to revive this movement, and he’s filling up stadiums with desperate people seeking answers and the promise of more wealth. I just hate the fact that anyone allows these kinds of charlatans to tell them how to live their lives, despite the reality members of prosperity churches are typically poorer than their counterparts.
Boy has 42 needles stuck in body during bizarre ritual
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this story for hours, and I still can’t figure it out. It seems as though a 2 year old boy was the victim of a bizarre religious ritual which involved sticking “blessed” sewing needles into his body, some of which punctured his heart, his lungs, and other vital organs. His stepfather, Roberto Carlos Magalhaes, claims he did this while under a supposed trance from his secret lover, a woman named Angelina Ribeiro dos Santos. Dos Santos paid to have all 42 needles blessed by a priestess of a religion called Candomble, which I won’t go in detail about (it’s like any other form of animism: stupid and pointless). Over the span of a month, all of them were shoved in various places in his body. Fucking horrible, no?
The most annoying part of this article has to be when the director of Afro-Brazilian studies at the University of Brasilia, Nelson Inocencio, expressed concern that this incident might lead people to be prejudiced against other Afro-Brazilian religions, which he argues do not have a history of harmful rituals. I think any belief that allows you to simply make shit up is harmful, regardless of its history. I’m sure once upon a time plenty of religions didn’t have violent or harmful practices; they just evolved naturally over time (you start to sacrifice simple shit to your gods, and next thing you know you’re throwing virgins into a volcano). It’s not like Candomble is based on objective reality anyways, so why are we surprised when some of its practitioners start doing crazy shit? It would be such a shame if people stopped believing in nonsense, right Nelson?
Christians have no sense of humor
When I originally saw this billboard, I assumed it was actually the work of some clever atheist group wanting to poke fun at Christians; imagine my surprise to find out that it was actually commissioned by an Anglican church called “St Matthew’s in the City”. The billboard was up for a total of 5 hours before someone defaced it, proving once more that Christians have a poor sense of humor concerning their own ridiculous beliefs. I suppose if I believed in something so fantastically silly as a virgin birth, I might also be a little insecure myself.
Church spokesperson Clay Nelson was surprised people reacted so negatively, especially considering the billboard was the least provocative ad they had brainstormed about. They had turned down a sperm coming down with “Joy to the World” written above. I’m not even sure that one makes any fucking sense, but they sure are a ballsy bunch.
Of course the Catholic Church was dismayed, saying the images were disrespectful. Yeah, seeing Mary and Joseph naked together is shocking! Considering Jesus had siblings, they had to have fucked at some point, so I have no idea why Christians are so upset over the thought of their saints “shagging”. It’s probably the only half decent human thing I’ve ever seen these two characters do, since most of the time they’re depicted as hapless idiots trying not to get in the way of their supposed deity of a son.
Somali man stoned to death for adultery
I’ve written a few articles in the past about how fucked up Somalia is, including how Sharia Law is quickly becoming the order of the day. The latest disgusting act of cruelty was the recent stoning of Mohamed Abukar Ibrahim for the crime of adultery. He was buried up to his torso, and the local residents of Afgoye, a small village 20 miles from Mogadishu, were forced to watch as members of the radical group Hizbul Islam stoned him to death.
Normally, this kind of insanity is performed by the even crazier al-Shaabab, but I guess they were too busy amputating thieves to bother.
Africa is the new battleground for religion, and the bodies are starting to pile up. Rationalism and common sense can’t compete against superstition, irrationality, fear, and cohesion. Is everyone in that country crazy? Of course not, but the crazy ones are obviously in control, and they won’t be happy until everyone sees the world in the same twisted way they do.
Where did all the cults go?
If you haven’t listened to the podcast recently, you might have missed a subject I briefly talked about last show. I was talking about a little known organization called the Cult Awareness Network, and their ties with Scientology. It’s a bit of a complicated story, so you’ll have to bear with me while I explain it.
In 1978, the tragedy of Jonestown led to the creation of an organization dedicated to identifying and combating cults. It was dubbed the Cult Awareness Network, and it became the largest organization of its kind in the US. One of their big opponents was Scientology, which they correctly identified as being a dangerous cult of greed.
In 1995, a young man named Jason Scott was kidnapped by a deprogrammer named Rick Ross, and because Jason’s mother had been referred to Mr. Ross by CAN, they were sued successfully for US$1 million. Around the same time, the Church of Scientology organized a massive litigation campaign, convincing 50 of their members to sue the organization simultaneously. The suits crippled the organization, which had to declare bankruptcy.
But this was not the end of the Cult Awareness Network. Shortly after they went bankrupt, Steven Hayes, a Scientology attorney and the man behind the suits, bought CAN in bankruptcy court for $20,000. Now, the “New” CAN puts all of its focus on fighting for “religious tolerance” (go visit their website; it’s fucking creepy). What was once a thriving organization fighting against destructive cults has ironically enough been commandeered by one of the most aggressive cults in the world. It’s no joke that if you call them up, you’ll probably be talking to a Scientologist.
This is just one small example of how Scientology uses the court system to try and bully, intimidate, silence, and occasionally destroy their opponents. They are simply following the advice and edict of their pseudo-god, L. Ron Hubbard:
The purpose of the suit is to harass and discourage rather than win. The law can be used very easily to harass, and enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway . . . will generally be sufficient to cause his professional decrease. If possible, of course, ruin him utterly.
The usurpation of CAN is a sad testament to the fact that so far, these scumbags are winning. Feeling depressed yet? I know I am…
This guy is scary, but luckily he just died
Say what you will about Oral Roberts; at least he wasn’t boring. This guy was a pioneering televangelist, who basically invented the idea of scamming people out of their hard earned money on TV. In 1977 he claims he had a vision of a 900 foot tall Jesus urging him to construct a hospital, which he did. He also started a crazy Christian school, and despite the most famous of his graduates being a fictional character (Ned Flanders), it’s still in operation despite having gone massively into debt (having found a generous and obviously pious contributor). He died today, which I regard as stellar news.
In this video you can hear his painful/hilarious opinions about intercourse, including how “wild and crazy” gay sex is. Does anyone else find it slightly ironic that a man named Oral would be so objectionable towards fellatio? Just sayin’.
North Carolina city councilman has atheist controversy
Last podcast I talked about Cecil Bothwell, a North Carolina city councilman who is center of the latest effort by religious jackasses to impose their beliefs on others. Bothwell is an atheist, and his political opponents have seized on this to try and get him fired. You see, the NC constitution says no one shall hold office if “they deny the being of Almighty God”.
The whole thing should be a non story. There’s a Supremacy Clause in US Constitution that basically says that if there’s a conflict between a state constitution, it automatically wins. Since the US Constitution strictly forbids the kind of clause present in the North Carolina Constitution barring non-religious people from holding office, it’s basically unenforceable.
The only reason this clause is still in there is because no one wants to bother actually reforming it. Every state has a bunch of laws it can’t possible enforce, all mainstays from a time when things were a little different (who wants to arrest people in NC for spitting on the ground?). Lawmakers feel that their time can be better spent focusing on making new laws rather than bothering to get rid of old ones. I tend to agree with them.
Fox News, being the infinitely wise and bipartisan media outlet that it is, put up a poll asking people if he should stay or resign. I find it actually kind of insulting that they would even bother with this bullshit, but hey, it’s Fox; they have a knack for pissing me off. If you have some time, feel free to crash the fuck out of this bullshit poll. As for Bothwell, he doesn’t seem nervous at all, and I even think he might invite his opponents to try their luck. It could force North Carolina to make an amendment to their obviously flawed constitution, and bring to light the fact atheists are still a reviled minority.
Sam Harris lambasts liberals for excusing fundamentalists
You’ve got to love Sam Harris. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. On his radar screen these days are the liberal apologists who try and excuse Islamic fundamentalism on economic and social disparity. Is it so hard to believe a religion can entice its followers to hate others for very little cause? I love how he mentions the religious nutbags in America are better suited to understand the danger of Fundamentalist Islam; takes one to know one, I guess.
Chuck Norris is insane
Before he can become “President of Texas”, Chuck Norris is on an anti-abortion campaign. He regularly blogs for the ultra conservative World Net Daily, and reading his posts is an exercise in both patience and a form of torture in some countries.
In his latest opus, Chucky takes on health care reform, lambasting Democrats for trying to provide abortion services to women in need. He’s not cool with that idea, since he argues if the Virgin Mary had access to such a system, baby Jesus would have never been born:
Lastly, as we sit on the eve of another Christmas, I wonder: What would have happened if Mother Mary were covered by Obamacare? What if that young, poor uninsured teenaged[sic] woman were provided the federal funds (via Obamacare) and facilities (via Planned Parenthood, etc.) to avoid the ridicule, ostracizing, persecution and possible stoning because of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?
Actually, I rather like this question: here Chuck is introducing us to a moral dilemma that he seems blindly unaware of: what should a woman do if her life is threatened by a pregnancy (this being the fucking Bronze Age, the penalty was indeed stoning for being pregnant out of wedlock. Wow, what a moral bunch)? In Chuck’s world, you have the baby, no matter how dangerous such a propositions is for the both of you. Don’t like it? Too fucking bad.
Norris isn’t a particularly educated man, so I have to believe he has no idea the human body regularly aborts pregnancies if complications arise. It’s why until month three of your pregnancy, it’s best to be cautiously optimistic about the whole thing. But hey, if you’re not convinced all abortions are bad, that’s because you haven’t heard the best part of his wishy-washy philosophy of the consequences of legalized abortion:
Imagine all the great souls who could have been erased from history and the influence of mankind, if only they too would have been as progressive as Washington’s wise men and women!
If you can use that stupid reasoning, couldn’t this world also have been spared a few headaches if Stalin or Hitler had been operated on? Just sayin’.
Scientology is creepy
So apparently Scientology is trying to secretly raise money to begin their “Crusade” (their choice of words, not mine) to build a ton of their creepy “Orgs” around the country. They made a video, and it was recently leaked (man, do I love the Internet), so now you get to have a first hand look into their weird and distorted picture of the world. These delusional idiots really believe that the world needs to be “clear” and alien engrams are causing them all kinds of problems. One woman in the video admitted to waking up one day and hating her husband. I guess the thought her hatred wasn’t the result of alien soul interference might have made her feel like a pretty shitty person, no?
I love in the first few minutes how they start ranting about how messed up the world is today: Oh no, there’s tons of scary things out there in the world, and it’s so FUBAR that only a religion started by a terrible science fiction writer can possibly save us! These Scientologist scumbags have the audacity to claim no one except for them have any decency and morality. These are the same individuals that actually charge you money to “cure” you of your self doubt. So here we have a cult of greed pretending they are a charity. Incredible.
Best line of this whole mess of a video: “Without us actually doing something and changing the course of [the]future, with us like…ARRGG…getting in there, it’s a no go, and I don’t want to live like that for the rest of my eternity”. The runner up: “Every eternity to come starts with a single step”
I think after watching this video, you can come to two very simple conclusions: #1, Scientologists are obsessed about the thought of living forever, and #2, they are incredibly creepy regarding this singular obsession.
I knew it: Pokemon IS evil!
If there’s any doubt as to the Satanic nature of Pokemon, I’d sure like to hear it. I’m just glad I was too old to fall into that “collect them all” insanity every kid was going nuts about. Of course, I don’t think I ever hated it as much as this fucking guy. You’d think the cartoon was forged in the fires of Hades with the vitriol he reserves for it!
Dairy farmer easily impressed by “Holy Cow”
If you aren’t feeling particularly embarrassed at the state of human gullibility and stupidity today, that’s because you haven’t heard about this “story” in the news: Moses the calf (as he’s been dubbed by the local kids) was born with a birthmark on his head that vaguely looks like a cross. His owner, being a gullible idiot, thinks that it must be a sign from his all powerful God, who appears to want to communicate very mysteriously and indirectly. If it was my cow, I would have simply called him “Mr. T” and that would have been the end of it.
So now I have to wonder if they are ever going to slaughter this thing for meat eventually. Will Moses die for our sins and our hunger? I’m thinking when he becomes burger meat, it’ll be sacralicious.