Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Are you cooler than this kid?

Posted on by

Will Phillips is officially the coolest kid in the world. A few weeks ago, he refused to take the Pledge of Allegiance at his school so long as gays are treated as second class citizens. At first he got in big trouble (prompting the principle to take disciplinary action), but since no one can be forced to recite it (yet), Will isn’t in any trouble, although school officials have refused to apologize to him (man, how embarrassing is it when an 11 year old is the most mature person in the room?).

Poor Will has been at the butt end of anti-gay slurs, but he appears undeterred in his quest for justice. Man, when I was a kid all I cared about was candy and video games; I wish I had bothered to take a bit more of an active interest in the world. You know, so long as there are good people like Will around, there’s definitely lots of hope for the future.

So what did you fucking accomplish today?

Alternative Medicine Persists despite Evidence

Posted on by

Our love affair with alternative “medicines” still demonstrates that as a species, we still have a lot of growing up to do. The persistence of reiki, acupuncture, crystals, homeopathy, and just about every other bullshit “medicine” is due mainly to the mysterious placebo effect, which seems to suggest our bodies respond positively to treatments, even when they do nothing at all.

I think we can easily dissect this phenomenon if we accept human beings are social animals who require just as much comforting as real medicine. A person who visits a homeopath is often given a great deal of time and attention, much more than they would going to the doctors. This simple act alone has a profound effect on the health of the “patient”, and it’s what makes fighting this flim-flam so difficult.

I think it’s sad the gap between medicine and well being is being filled with nonsense. I would be lying if I claimed it didn’t at least help some people heal faster, but I also can’t forget about all the people who have died because they chose alternative medicines rather than the real thing. I’ve often been asked “is it ok to believe in a lie if it’s comforting, or is it always better to tell the truth?”. On an individual level it’s hard to argue that the truth is better, but that’s only if you discount the external effect of one’s belief. Think about all the people who have died because they refused to listen to the truth about their diseases (Andy Kaufman, why did you fall for such a simple scam as psychic surgery?). Do you really believe that ignorance is a virtue, people?

Rapture Pets!

Posted on by

Remember a few months back when I was toying around with the idea of “Rap-Sure”, a kind of insurance for loved ones “in case” the special few get raptured? Well, looks like someone already beat me to the punch. Bart Centre (is that even a name?) is the co-owner of Eternal Earthbound Pets, and he promises to look after your animals after the Rapture for the budget price of $110.

Bart’s insurance policy lasts about 10 years, so if there’s no Rapture in that time, your policy expires. Sounds like an awesome way to make a bunch of money from silly Christians who think Jesus is coming back “any day now”. It’s been 2000 years and the guy is a fucking no show. When will his followers finally accept that it’s all just fairy tale bullshit? Well, at least some people are cashing in on the scam…

NOTE: check out some of the hilarious comments in the article.

Funny thing is, if/when he’s wrong, do you really think he’s going to take care of the pets. Uh, no. Just another con man looking to make money. And the fact he’s atheist is typical.

Yeah, he really has to worry about taking care of all those pets, cuz Jesus will be here any minute. Have none of these people seen “Waiting of Godot“?

Witch doctors tell population to slaughter albinos

Posted on by

Ever knock on wood, or refuse to walk under a ladder? How many of you would never rent an apartment on the 13th floor, or own a black cat? Most of us think superstitions are fairly harmless, but only because we don’t take them too seriously. In countries like Tanzania and Burundi, however, crazy superstition (when will the world learn, Stevie Wonder?) is on the loose.

It seems as though witch doctors have been encouraging the local population to find and slaughter albinos, whose organs they believe have magical properties. That’s right, dozens of people have already been killed in this nightmare, and these sick witch doctors are profiteering from their slaughter.

So next time some douchebag tries to tell you superstitions are harmless, send them over to this website. Does anyone else feel entirely distressed at how stupid and backwards we all are?

More child abuse from Catholic priests

Posted on by

I don’t know about you, but I’m scared to death of religious cops. I get the feeling these devotees will put their faith before their duty. Take the case of Father Bernard Cloutier: back in 1983, he was being charged with the sexual assault of 5 boys. During the police investigation, his superior, Bishop Dionne, barged in and privately met with each boy while the police meekly waited for these “interviews” to be over. They seemed completely oblivious to the fact something fishy was going on when the charges were suddenly dropped, and the lead detective didn’t think any of this was unusual (he actually claims “it’s just the way things happen sometimes.”).

A little while later, Father Cloutier was quietly moved to another parish, and it wasn’t until 2007 that his victims again decided to seek justice for their abuse. A judge recently found Bishop Dionne had thwarted the investigation back in 1983, but considering this corrupt and evil old man is now 90 years old, it’s unlikely he’ll be facing much prison time.

I find it incredible no one is commenting on the fact this is not at all an isolated incident. How many times have these familiar events taken place? Hundreds of times, at the very least. How many lives ruined, how many families destroyed by these sick predators and the institution that endlessly protects them from justice? To you Catholics out there, can I ask you honestly how many raped kids it takes before you tell these religious scumbags to go fuck themselves? Is a few thousand not enough?

Another victory for science

Posted on by

Remember the story of Daniel Hauser? His parents refused to give him chemotherapy because of their New Age beliefs, and the courts had to step in and force them to finish giving him his treatments. At first, they tried running away from the law, but they were caught shortly after (it’s harder than you think to go on the lamb!).

I’m happy to report that Daniel now appears to be cancer free. It’s a miracle! Well, actually it’s entirely because of modern medical science, but I digress. Thanks to the judgement of far more rational people than his dumbass parents, Daniel has a new lease on life. Now, whether or not he chooses to believe in the same bullshit they do when he’s 18 is his choice, but at least he’ll live long enough to be able to make that decision himself.

Utah Morality police

Posted on by

Check out this hilarious note a girl from Utah found on her car. She’s since had it framed, and her husband (the guy she was being inappropriate with) still get a chuckle out of it. It’s just more proof that the “moral majority” can’t keep their fucking noses out of other people’s business.

“Hi, you don’t know me but I’ve noticed that you go into #306 apt. late @ night & I sometimes see you coming out in the morning & it’s obvious that you sleep over there b/c your car is parked @ King Henry all night. I know that it’s really none of my business but my roommates & I think that it’s inappropriate to be staying @ a boy’s house all night. I feel like I should talk to James about this problem, perhaps King Henry, but I think that you could, & should, fix this problem on your own w/out my intervention.
Thanks for your time – Have a great day :)”

Here’s the thing: just because you’re politely telling someone that you disapprove of their lifestyle, it doesn’t mean that gives you the right to tell others how to live. How many times have I been “politely” informed that I was going to burn in hell for all eternity for not believing that an illiterate Jew was a God. Too many times to count, really.

Teacher refuses fingerprinting, quotes Book of Revelation

Posted on by

I think fingerprinting people is kind of paranoid and ridiculous, but I never thought anyone would be against it on religious grounds. Guess I’m an idiot. Pam McLaurin is an evangelical Christian who takes her Book of Revelation pretty fucking seriously. She thinks by having her fingerprints in a database, she’ll be cursed and marked for eternal damnation. She filed a lawsuit against Texas Education Agency (who will fire her if she doesn’t comply with their policy), citing religious discrimination. Check out one of the passages she put in the brief:

He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand and on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.… Then a third angel followed them saying with a loud voice — if anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on his forehead or on his hand he himself shall also drink of the wine of the wrath of God.… He shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb.

It’s some pretty scary shit when you think about it. Has no one really considered the possibility St. John was totally batshit crazy when he wrote it? Actually, Thomas Jefferson sure thought so, as did Martin Luther. I have to shake my head in disbelief that some people can take the insane rantings of a lunatic seriously (and when I say some, I mean millions of people). Fuck, I need to go grab a drink (or twelve).

Man beats two “cross dressers” on Halloween, blames God

Posted on by

Can you think of any reason why one human being should attack another? Perhaps if your own safety is threatened, or if you need to protect your loved ones. I find there are very few valid reasons for one person to hurt another, but I must be in the minority. Take this douche, Robert Bellamy Jr, who along with accomplices assaulted and robbed  two men dressed in woman’s clothing, telling police that “God made me hate gays”.

Bellamy and his troop stalked the victims around town, harassing them verbally and physically, all the while yelling anti-gay slurs. The assailants spotted the victims again a short time later, and decided to escalate to physical violence, stealing their wallets in the process for a total haul of 7$ (here’s a tip: to avoid long jail sentences, it’s usually a good idea not to rob the people you beat up).

Police have said the sexual orientation of the victims was irrelevant and stated Bellamy was going to be charged with a hate crime. You see, the attack actually happened on Halloween, so there’s no reason to believe the victims were in fact gay. Maybe they were going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show or something. Who knows?

I have to wonder how Jr’s perception of homosexuality might be changed a little bit when he gets sent to the slammer and his sweet virgin ass starts being traded around for a pack of cigarettes. Good luck in prison, fuckface.

Senators wants prayer payment plan in Health Care Bill

Posted on by

Remember how I wrote about all those kids who died because their ignorant parents preferred to pray for them to get better rather than call a real doctor? Well, it appears a couple senators are trying to include a provision to the healthcare bill that would require insurers to cover Christian Science prayer as a legitimate medical expense.

The Church of Christ, Scientist has its headquarters in Massachusetts, and it received support from Sen. John Kerry (remember that boring ass Democrat?), and the late Ted Kennedy. So if you think this is party politics, recognize the fact that so long as an annoying religious group has enough money, just about any fucking senator is up for sale.

During the day, Davis may see multiple patients and pray for them at different moments. He charges them $20 to $40 for the day, saying, “I think that it would be considered modest by any standard.”

It sounds like a pretty sweet racket, honestly. These Christian Scientists charge between 20-40 dollars a day for praying per person, and they probably go through a lot of patients suckers a day. I mean, how much prayer can one man do per day? If they can insert themselves into the healthcare bill, who knows how much cash they would be raking in. I feel like a dick asking for the same amount per year for recording a bunch of podcasts. That’s a lot of work compared to a guy that puts his hands together and begs God to stop the cancer that is rotting you from the inside (the same cancer He put there with his divine Will).

If these fucking assholes get their way, who knows how many other of these con artists will try and receive funding for their make-believe therapies. Are we going to have crystal practitioners complain they aren’t allowed to charge people to put differently colored rocks on people’s heads? What about Iridologists who think they can diagnose disease by looking into your eyes?

Any of you Americans hopeful that health care reform is going to happen, you have to accept the hard reality that your politicians are entirely in the pocket of big business and big religion. The fact that Christian Scientists, who actively discourage their members from seeking medical attention for serious illness, are being inserted like this despite their insanity proves that no one is really interested in the health of Americans. Is it too early to say you’re all fucked?

Bill Donohue thinks victims abused by Catholic Church are “Gold Diggers”

Posted on by

You’ve got to love Bill Donohue; no matter what the Catholic Church does, Bill is there to defend them to the death. Here he is claiming that the abuse of thousands of kids in Ireland at the hands of priests is an almost complete fabrication, and all of the victims are just a bunch of money hungry gold diggers. Thanks to the hard work of insane douchebags like “Dr.” Bill here, atheists have to work a lot less hard to convince people to abandon their religion. Thanks for just being your crusty, ignorant self Billy-Boy!

What a surprise: “Birthers” are stupid

Posted on by

Guess what? If you think President Obama wasn’t born in America and isn’t really your president, then you have the honor of being part of a distinct group of individuals that is likely to never have left the US (or own a passport), to be less educated, to watch more TV, and to read fewer books than non-birthers. Basically, you are an idiot.

Hey, it’s not like we should be very surprised people who identify themselves as birthers have a lower IQ than the average American; the entire movement is merely a thinly disguised form of racism. The President doesn’t look very white, and that’s got a lot of stupid people very upset.

I think it’s funny that the same survey found this out also identified that roughly a third of all birthers interviewed didn’t actually vote during the last election. Why the fuck are they even complaining?

Bill Donahue is a fucking liar

Posted on by

Bill Donahue is a busy man; so busy in fact that he doesn’t even have time to watch the shows he criticizes. Here’s a radio interview with Louis C.K. calling Bill on his bullshit. Bill tries to pass this off as some kind of joke, but clearly, his words aren’t meant to be funny at all:

The sacred and the profane are elements found in every society. In our society, the sexual and the scatological often constitute the profane, as in this show. Ironically, the sacred, which is Roman Catholicism, cannot be ignored, even by the depraved. But that is no excuse for this barbaric presentation.

Wow Bill, you are so fucking hilarious. Maybe they should do a TV show with you someday. If I was the producer, I know what I would call it: The Bill Donahue Obnoxious Liar Dickbag Hour. Nah, you’re right; an hour is way too long.

Detroit Imam shot and killed during FBI raid

Posted on by

Here’s the deal; if you want to start your own little mosque and preach for the government to be replaced by a caliphate run by a man in prison for life, it’s generally a good idea not to draw attention to yourself by buying and selling stolen weapons, and it’s definitely a bad idea to go around telling people to help overthrow the government. Luqman Ameen Abdullah converted to Islam and began preaching antigovernmental rhetoric in a small apartment in Detroit, urging his members to equip themselves with firearms. The FBI freaked out, thinking they had a home grown terrorist cell on their hands (not altogether an unwarranted fear), and so they raided the place.

Through a 45-page complaint filed in the case alleges Abdullah “calls his followers to an offensive jihad” and preaches that every Muslim should “have a weapon and should not be scared to use their weapon when needed,” charges in the case to not include terrorism or national security crimes.

The only person to actually resist arrest is Abdullah himself, who opened fire (killing one of the dogs) and was later shot dead. Now, members of the Muslim community are upset and shocked over the shooting, and claim that he was an upstanding member of the community.

Here’s the deal; I’m not entirely unsympathetic to people who distrust the government and feel the need to make strong political statements. I draw the line, however, when someone decides that extreme violence is the answer to their problems. There’s already enough fear and paranoia concerning terrorism; it’s not generally a good idea to fan the flames. It’s also a terrible idea to shoot at the FBI when they raid your place. You tend to get shot in the face when that happens.

This woman is an embarrassment to humanity

Posted on by

Every single time you hear a person start a speech with “My Gawd, my Gawd, my Gawd”, you need to pull your ear plugs out of your pocket and put them on immediately. This woman compares homosexuals with dogs, and claims the “Devil” is now loose and running wild in her community. You don’t need a supernatural entity to commit evil, lady; you’re doing just fine spewing your bigoted hatred without any help.

On a side note, does this stupid banshee wear garments of different cloths, or eat meat on the weekend, or have pierced ears? Those are all sins, you know…