Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Utah Morality police

Posted on by

Check out this hilarious note a girl from Utah found on her car. She’s since had it framed, and her husband (the guy she was being inappropriate with) still get a chuckle out of it. It’s just more proof that the “moral majority” can’t keep their fucking noses out of other people’s business.

“Hi, you don’t know me but I’ve noticed that you go into #306 apt. late @ night & I sometimes see you coming out in the morning & it’s obvious that you sleep over there b/c your car is parked @ King Henry all night. I know that it’s really none of my business but my roommates & I think that it’s inappropriate to be staying @ a boy’s house all night. I feel like I should talk to James about this problem, perhaps King Henry, but I think that you could, & should, fix this problem on your own w/out my intervention.
Thanks for your time – Have a great day :)”

Here’s the thing: just because you’re politely telling someone that you disapprove of their lifestyle, it doesn’t mean that gives you the right to tell others how to live. How many times have I been “politely” informed that I was going to burn in hell for all eternity for not believing that an illiterate Jew was a God. Too many times to count, really.

Teacher refuses fingerprinting, quotes Book of Revelation

Posted on by

I think fingerprinting people is kind of paranoid and ridiculous, but I never thought anyone would be against it on religious grounds. Guess I’m an idiot. Pam McLaurin is an evangelical Christian who takes her Book of Revelation pretty fucking seriously. She thinks by having her fingerprints in a database, she’ll be cursed and marked for eternal damnation. She filed a lawsuit against Texas Education Agency (who will fire her if she doesn’t comply with their policy), citing religious discrimination. Check out one of the passages she put in the brief:

He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand and on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.… Then a third angel followed them saying with a loud voice — if anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on his forehead or on his hand he himself shall also drink of the wine of the wrath of God.… He shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb.

It’s some pretty scary shit when you think about it. Has no one really considered the possibility St. John was totally batshit crazy when he wrote it? Actually, Thomas Jefferson sure thought so, as did Martin Luther. I have to shake my head in disbelief that some people can take the insane rantings of a lunatic seriously (and when I say some, I mean millions of people). Fuck, I need to go grab a drink (or twelve).

Man beats two “cross dressers” on Halloween, blames God

Posted on by

Can you think of any reason why one human being should attack another? Perhaps if your own safety is threatened, or if you need to protect your loved ones. I find there are very few valid reasons for one person to hurt another, but I must be in the minority. Take this douche, Robert Bellamy Jr, who along with accomplices assaulted and robbed  two men dressed in woman’s clothing, telling police that “God made me hate gays”.

Bellamy and his troop stalked the victims around town, harassing them verbally and physically, all the while yelling anti-gay slurs. The assailants spotted the victims again a short time later, and decided to escalate to physical violence, stealing their wallets in the process for a total haul of 7$ (here’s a tip: to avoid long jail sentences, it’s usually a good idea not to rob the people you beat up).

Police have said the sexual orientation of the victims was irrelevant and stated Bellamy was going to be charged with a hate crime. You see, the attack actually happened on Halloween, so there’s no reason to believe the victims were in fact gay. Maybe they were going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show or something. Who knows?

I have to wonder how Jr’s perception of homosexuality might be changed a little bit when he gets sent to the slammer and his sweet virgin ass starts being traded around for a pack of cigarettes. Good luck in prison, fuckface.

Senators wants prayer payment plan in Health Care Bill

Posted on by

Remember how I wrote about all those kids who died because their ignorant parents preferred to pray for them to get better rather than call a real doctor? Well, it appears a couple senators are trying to include a provision to the healthcare bill that would require insurers to cover Christian Science prayer as a legitimate medical expense.

The Church of Christ, Scientist has its headquarters in Massachusetts, and it received support from Sen. John Kerry (remember that boring ass Democrat?), and the late Ted Kennedy. So if you think this is party politics, recognize the fact that so long as an annoying religious group has enough money, just about any fucking senator is up for sale.

During the day, Davis may see multiple patients and pray for them at different moments. He charges them $20 to $40 for the day, saying, “I think that it would be considered modest by any standard.”

It sounds like a pretty sweet racket, honestly. These Christian Scientists charge between 20-40 dollars a day for praying per person, and they probably go through a lot of patients suckers a day. I mean, how much prayer can one man do per day? If they can insert themselves into the healthcare bill, who knows how much cash they would be raking in. I feel like a dick asking for the same amount per year for recording a bunch of podcasts. That’s a lot of work compared to a guy that puts his hands together and begs God to stop the cancer that is rotting you from the inside (the same cancer He put there with his divine Will).

If these fucking assholes get their way, who knows how many other of these con artists will try and receive funding for their make-believe therapies. Are we going to have crystal practitioners complain they aren’t allowed to charge people to put differently colored rocks on people’s heads? What about Iridologists who think they can diagnose disease by looking into your eyes?

Any of you Americans hopeful that health care reform is going to happen, you have to accept the hard reality that your politicians are entirely in the pocket of big business and big religion. The fact that Christian Scientists, who actively discourage their members from seeking medical attention for serious illness, are being inserted like this despite their insanity proves that no one is really interested in the health of Americans. Is it too early to say you’re all fucked?

Bill Donohue thinks victims abused by Catholic Church are “Gold Diggers”

Posted on by

You’ve got to love Bill Donohue; no matter what the Catholic Church does, Bill is there to defend them to the death. Here he is claiming that the abuse of thousands of kids in Ireland at the hands of priests is an almost complete fabrication, and all of the victims are just a bunch of money hungry gold diggers. Thanks to the hard work of insane douchebags like “Dr.” Bill here, atheists have to work a lot less hard to convince people to abandon their religion. Thanks for just being your crusty, ignorant self Billy-Boy!

What a surprise: “Birthers” are stupid

Posted on by

Guess what? If you think President Obama wasn’t born in America and isn’t really your president, then you have the honor of being part of a distinct group of individuals that is likely to never have left the US (or own a passport), to be less educated, to watch more TV, and to read fewer books than non-birthers. Basically, you are an idiot.

Hey, it’s not like we should be very surprised people who identify themselves as birthers have a lower IQ than the average American; the entire movement is merely a thinly disguised form of racism. The President doesn’t look very white, and that’s got a lot of stupid people very upset.

I think it’s funny that the same survey found this out also identified that roughly a third of all birthers interviewed didn’t actually vote during the last election. Why the fuck are they even complaining?

Bill Donahue is a fucking liar

Posted on by

Bill Donahue is a busy man; so busy in fact that he doesn’t even have time to watch the shows he criticizes. Here’s a radio interview with Louis C.K. calling Bill on his bullshit. Bill tries to pass this off as some kind of joke, but clearly, his words aren’t meant to be funny at all:

The sacred and the profane are elements found in every society. In our society, the sexual and the scatological often constitute the profane, as in this show. Ironically, the sacred, which is Roman Catholicism, cannot be ignored, even by the depraved. But that is no excuse for this barbaric presentation.

Wow Bill, you are so fucking hilarious. Maybe they should do a TV show with you someday. If I was the producer, I know what I would call it: The Bill Donahue Obnoxious Liar Dickbag Hour. Nah, you’re right; an hour is way too long.

Detroit Imam shot and killed during FBI raid

Posted on by

Here’s the deal; if you want to start your own little mosque and preach for the government to be replaced by a caliphate run by a man in prison for life, it’s generally a good idea not to draw attention to yourself by buying and selling stolen weapons, and it’s definitely a bad idea to go around telling people to help overthrow the government. Luqman Ameen Abdullah converted to Islam and began preaching antigovernmental rhetoric in a small apartment in Detroit, urging his members to equip themselves with firearms. The FBI freaked out, thinking they had a home grown terrorist cell on their hands (not altogether an unwarranted fear), and so they raided the place.

Through a 45-page complaint filed in the case alleges Abdullah “calls his followers to an offensive jihad” and preaches that every Muslim should “have a weapon and should not be scared to use their weapon when needed,” charges in the case to not include terrorism or national security crimes.

The only person to actually resist arrest is Abdullah himself, who opened fire (killing one of the dogs) and was later shot dead. Now, members of the Muslim community are upset and shocked over the shooting, and claim that he was an upstanding member of the community.

Here’s the deal; I’m not entirely unsympathetic to people who distrust the government and feel the need to make strong political statements. I draw the line, however, when someone decides that extreme violence is the answer to their problems. There’s already enough fear and paranoia concerning terrorism; it’s not generally a good idea to fan the flames. It’s also a terrible idea to shoot at the FBI when they raid your place. You tend to get shot in the face when that happens.

This woman is an embarrassment to humanity

Posted on by

Every single time you hear a person start a speech with “My Gawd, my Gawd, my Gawd”, you need to pull your ear plugs out of your pocket and put them on immediately. This woman compares homosexuals with dogs, and claims the “Devil” is now loose and running wild in her community. You don’t need a supernatural entity to commit evil, lady; you’re doing just fine spewing your bigoted hatred without any help.

On a side note, does this stupid banshee wear garments of different cloths, or eat meat on the weekend, or have pierced ears? Those are all sins, you know…

More sectarian violence in Pakistan

Posted on by

Imagine a philosophy that regards human life as worthless and cheap, where adherents are told to kill others who do not share their beliefs, and where huge segments of the population are kept ignorant and subservient. Well, you don’t need to use your imagination; this type of philosophy already exists, and it has a colorful name: Islam.

Pakistan was the scene of more violence today as a market in Peshawar was hit with a powerful bomb that killed at least 80 people and injured another 200. It’s one of the worst attacks in the country’s history, and you can guess what bastards were responsible for bombing a market filled with women and children: why it’s the Taliban, of course!

It must be pretty easy to murder innocent women and children when you have the powerful shield of faith. It must be why religion is such a useful tool to enslave the minds of poorly educated idiots; no one has to consider the consequences of their actions when they think God is on their side. Congratulations for murdering so many people for your precious invisible sky-deity; he must be so proud of you!

Also, please fuck off and die. Thanks.

France gives Scientology the finger

Posted on by

It’s a good day, people. This morning I was flooded with emails and links concerning a French court that found 6 members of the Church of Scientology guilt of fraud. Each member on trial was fined 400,000 euros and  sentenced to no less than two years in prison.

I’m actually pretty surprised they’re sending these guys to jail while still allowing the Church to continue its operation in the country with impunity. I guess they found insufficient evidence that this fraud was perpetuated by the church. These guys played by Scientology’s play book, so why did they not bring the whole scam down once and for all? It’s a shame really. Scientology is a pyramid scheme designed to extort people out of their money, all under the guise of “freeing” a person from fear, doubt, and every other normal human emotion people find unpleasant.

Unfortunately, I doubt this decision is going to do much to slow down the growth of this beast. The Church recently opened up a chapter in Rome, and it attracted well over 6,000 suckers people.

Hey everyone, if you are feeling depressed, unhappy, and generally unfulfilled, try to do something creative and fun rather than get suckered in by a bunch of money hungry fuckfaces. Go for a bike ride, talk to a friend you lost contact with, or better yet, take a drill and shove it deep inside your brain tissue if you even feel slightly compelled to go get audited. Trust me, you’re way better off as a vegetable.

This woman broke my brain

Posted on by

After having listened to the excellent presentation on the Cosmos of Mr. Lawrence Krauss, listening to this idiot trying to teach something she clearly knows nothing about is almost too painful to bear. If you have a will made of iron, or you’ve already given up on humanity, maybe, just maybe you can make it through this entire video without having a subdural hematoma. Watch this at your own risk, for the stupid, it BUURRRNNNSSS!

Scientologists are so sensitive

Posted on by

You’ll notice the familiar use of the word “offensive” in this video, and it’s the reason this douchebag walks off during the interview. I’ve been accused of this on multiple occasions by religious people myself, and it’s simply a way for people to mask their stupid or worthless opinions. It’s not like the guy answered the question at all, and hiding behind the shield of “respect my faith” is just more of the same intellectual cowardice I’ve come to expect from highly religious folks. I think in general we all need to stop using the “offensive” card any time we are upset. So someone said something you didn’t like; big fucking deal. If you refuse to answer a question because you think it’s rude, then you’ve proven only that your mind is incapable of being open enough to look past something as trivial as language.

Is being Jewish about “race” or religion?

Posted on by

I was reading an old article on BBCnews about a Jewish school that was refusing admission to students who had no blood relation to Judaism. The school was trying to defend their stance, arguing that this was a matter of religion, not race. I don’t buy that bullshit for one second.

Consider this: a few months ago, the Israeli government created a series of ads warning Jews not to marry non-Jews after a study found a significant portion of the population was breeding outside their own “tribe”. They fear if the population begins to assimilate into the culture of others, the State of Israel will disappear. This type of xenophobic fear is not only overtly racist, it’s entirely antiquated and wrong.

Mixed marriages are not even recognized in Israel, which seems awfully familiar to anyone who’s ever experienced institutionalized racism. It doesn’t really surprise me that the small tribe of Judaism is afraid they might disappear if they intermarry with other cultures. What angers me is when they are allowed to get away with racist and alarmist rhetoric out of the sick idea that they need to maintain “racial purity” in order for their religion to thrive. Personally, I find this kind of thing sickening. We want to encourage people of different races and cultures to marry and shag one another. This is actually the quickest way to peace; people tend to stop fighting when they start breeding together.

Stop trying to pass off your fucking fascism as some kind of noble religious pursuit. I don’t buy it, and nobody else does.

Majority of Britons want creationism taught in schools

Posted on by

I’m frustrated this morning. I just finished reading this article, and I have to admit that I’m very disappointed in our Commonwealth Big Brother. A recent poll indicates more than half of Britons support the teaching of both creationism and evolution in schools. That’s actually more than their American counterparts. You guys are officially the new retard on the block.

So feel proud that Egyptians were three times less likely to want this fucking nonsense taught in their science class. So, just what the hell is going on here? Are Brits slowly losing their minds? First, a not-so-small percentage of your population keeps trying to vote for a fascist party (The British National Party, a white only anti-immigration political disaster) and now you want creationism in schools. I’m going to say this as nicely as possible to all you British fans of the site so you don’t get too upset: Get your fucking act together, people!