It’s weird to admit I am in almost complete agreement with Joseph Farah of World Net Daily over the issue of Conservapedia’s attempt to remove the “liberal bias” of the Bible. Their desire to remove Jesus’ supposed “softness” on crime, and disdain for money is particularly telling of their general philosophy. There are plenty of Christians who absolutely hate the whole “easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” passage. Some people really do love money, and it’s quite clear in the New Testament that Jesus really isn’t a big fan of it.

Of course, Farah and I don’t see eye to eye about the relative worth of the King James Version, but I’d rather be stuck with that sadistic filth than a version that’s even less charitable. At least it’s good to know not everybody on the conservative side has totally lost their marbles. Maybe there is hope for these people after all…

If you’re unaware of Robert Crumb and his underground cult hit, Frizt the Cat, you might want to read up on this iconic character before proceeding further. Frizt has the distinction of being the most successful independent animated feature of all time, grossing 100 million dollars worldwide, despite the fact it received an X rating in the US (If you’re a Simpson fan, you may recall the Itchy and Scratchy tribute episode).

Crumb’s recently turned his attention to the Bible, specifically the Book of Genesis, and decided to make an illustrated comic book graphically depicting all 50 chapters. So, how long before Christians go apeshit over this? Take it away Mike Judge of the Christian Institute:

“If you are going to publish your own version of the Bible it must be done with a great deal of sensitivity. The Bible is a very important text to many, many people and should be treated with the respect it deserves.

“Representing it in your own way is all very well and good but it must be remembered that it is a matter of people’s faith, their religion.

“Faith is such an important part of people’s lives that one must remember to tread very carefully.”

They want us to walk on eggshells again. Problem is, Crumb hasn’t taken anything out of context. He’s just taking his cues directly from the Bible, and of course people would be offended; it’s a fucking offensive book! Lot getting raped by his daughters, Onan being slaughtered by God for spilling his semen on the floor; the list just goes on. Let’s just say that anyone who reads the Bible as a bedtime story for their children would probably scar them for life.

Personally I’m adding this book as part of my religious collection. I’ve always had a strange fascination with Crumb’s artwork. He seems to have the ability to make everything look dirty and inappropriate. Go check it out!

If you’ve never read Carl Sagan’s “The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark“, do yourself a favor and pick it up. One of his chapters deals specifically with the Inquisition, and the slaughter of an estimated 100,000 women at the hand of the Church. Although the West has generally stopped prosecuting women for the crime of “witchcraft” (the last person convicted was in 1944), in Africa, the problem is still rampant. The growing influence of Christianity has tragically created a powder keg situation, as ancient superstitions are met with the violent rhetoric of the Old Testament, which states quite plainly witches are to be killed.

I found this article to be both amusing and frustrating; an online survey asked respondents which parts of the Bible they found most disturbing, and Exodus 12: verse 18, which states “Do not allow a sorceress to live” was ranked third. I’m sure no one in the Church would ever imagine removing this verse, or any of the others that command genocide, rape, or infanticide.

Simon Jenkins, editor of shipoffools.com, said: “It doesn’t have to be a textbook of infallible information and unbreakable laws to be God’s book. And it doesn’t have to be one big pile of lies because of its dodgy bits. In Chapter and Worse we are attempting to rescue it from rival takeover bids.”

Simon seems to be under the impression changes to the Bible are possible (and very desirable), but fails to realize as soon as anyone starts messing with it, there will be no end to the editing. If the book really is God’s word, what parts are you supposed to keep and what parts are you going to throw out? Is there even any reason to believe individual Christians would follow a Bible with huge chunks taken out? Jefferson rewrote the Bible with only the ethical elements included, and no one is reading that one. Who decides what God said, and what some dude made up?

I think many Christians naively think people who kill witches, behead homosexuals and justify their cruel and inhumane actions through the “Good Book” are perverting their faiths. The truth is these people are actually fully expressing their beliefs, and using the same book “we” do in the West. This is why tragedies will continue to occur, all in the name of religion. The fact that we don’t kill witches here is historically a fairly recent phenomenon, and there is no reason to believe this trend will continue on forever.

It’s sad that even believers recognize the trouble within their own holy texts, and yet chose to keep such dangerous passages out of the foolish belief that the Bible is the infallible word of God. You can’t edit this volume; it’s a lost cause. We have far better ideological and ethical tools that do not require primitive and stupid mythologies to prove their point. The Bible no longer reflects the way we feel about women, different “races”, and homosexuality. Is there really anything left when you take out the nasty parts anyways? What can a book written by primitive and ignorant desert people really teach us?

I don’t read the National Post very often. I find their brand of economic and social conservatism makes them the “Fox News” of Canadian newspapers. In keeping with their conservative roots, an article was recently published called The Bible: a book for all seasons, where the author argues that “The Good Book” is a timeless tome suitable for all ages. He suggests which parts of the Bible to read (depending on your age), with the flawed assumption that there is anything to really learn from reading this dusty, morally ambiguous tome.

I think his funniest suggestion is for teenagers to read the story of Job. In case you’ve never read it, the story goes something like this: God’s favorite human is Job, who is a great worshiper (making the necessary sacrifice of innocent animals to appease his jealousy), but the Devil and he disagree as to how loyal Job really is. So, for the purposes of settling a cosmic bet, God allows the Devil to completely fuck Job over. His house is destroyed, his wife and children are all killed, he loses all his belongings and his physical health deteriorates. Job is not angry about this, but asks God why he has done such a thing. His (supposedly) wise response is “Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth?”.

I guess if you have some rebellious teenagers, the story of Job represents every parents’ response whenever confronted with a question they can’t answer: I made you, and you’d better listen to everything I say. That’s right kids, your parents are vengeful gods that you must eternally listen to and admire. Yeah, truly this is a book for all ages!

I think with all the millions of great books humans have written over the many centuries since the invention of the printing press, we can do a little better than that, wouldn’t you agree?