Are you tired of you and your loved ones having infinite access to the Internet? Are you worried that your children might accidentally encounter the devil and his filthy temptations online? Then Total Net Guard is the Internet service provider you’ve been waiting for!

You might be wondering if this is the right service for you. What kinds of dangers exist online for Christians? Well, the answer may surprise you:

At AFO we currently have over 20 million sites blocked in categories including porn, vulgarity, gambling, violent games, chat rooms. etc. Seven to ten thousand additional sites are added to the filter list each day.

There are currently almost seven thousand Internet Service Providers nationwide and only three hundred offer a filtering of any kind. Some interesting comparisons of Internet site content tells us who “owns” the Internet…The web contains:

• 7.9 million game sites compared to one million churches
• 5.7 million adult sites as opposed to 1.9 million ministry sites
• 3.2 million gay and only a little over 13,000 pro-family sites
• 179,000 occult sites competing against 47,000 youth groups of any kind
• 44,500 Howard Stern sites to 11,700 sites for Dr. James Dobson
• 1 million Madonna (material girl) sites mocking 13,900 for Mother Theresa
• 305,000 Bill Clinton sites versus 49,000 for Pope John Paul II

It is clear that Satan and the secular humanist world “own” the Internet.

So apparently, we secularists are totally in cahoots with Satan and Bill Clinton (who may in fact be the same person). For an extra 10 bucks a month, you can let Total Net Guard into your life, allowing the company to perpetually narrow the amount of choices you have. In fact, you can even ask the company to block pages they might otherwise allow. Check out some of these powerful testimonials:

“Thank you for your faithfulness in controlling the viewed pages over the Internet. I am behind you all the way.”

“You are doing the Godly thing by blocking these sites. I requested Facebook to be blocked due to a sexual matter and with out hesitation you blocked it for me. Thank you for doing what is right!!!!!!!!!!!”

See how happy people are when choices are taken away? I mean, that last testimonial was from a medical doctor, and he used over 10 exclamation marks. That’s gotta count for something, right?

(Update: The site and service no longer exists)

Some of you might already be aware Tim Minchin wrote an atheist Christmas song for a charity CD, and the proceeds went to the Salvation Army. He decided not to make a big deal of it, and the whole thing would have gone unnoticed…if not for the fact the organization lambasted him, saying they did not “approve” of his message.

Even the Salvation Army itself said it was disappointed with the track, with spokesman Neil Venables saying: ‘We do not in any way support the statements made in this song.’

Minchin in return has slated his critics. On Twitter he wrote: “I gave my song for free, putting aside my philosophical objection to the Salvation Army for the sake of beneficiaries. Imbeciles…I think the Salvos are idiots. I didn’t know they would benefit from the CD, but by the time I found out I didn’t want to make too much of a fuss. So I gave my song free, then they turn around and say that they don’t agree with the sentiment of the song. Part of me is hugely outraged by what imbeciles they are, to bite the hand that feeds them and put their proselytizing above charity. I won’t make this mistake again. I tweeted that if people want to buy my version of the song independently, I’ll give the proceeds away to a non-proselytizing charity.”

So the lesson here is simple: don’t give to charities that can’t appreciate the generosity of others who don’t share their fanciful notions about the supernatural.

What’s got me riled up today? It could be this recent survey by the Pew forum on Religion and Public life found over two thirds of the adult population of the US believes in angels. And when I say angels, I don’t mean dudes like Metatron who only show up when a deranged father is about to kill his youngest son. No, I’m talking about the kinds that are all over the place, supposedly protecting people. I guess some of them just suck at their jobs more than others.

The article in question goes on to list a number of random, lucky circumstances the people involved have attributed to “miracles”. This one in particular seemed to jump out in terms of stupidity:

He [Hipp] was riding with his wife Penny when he got in a terrible accident.

“Shot the motorcycle up five feet in the air, and catapulted me about 20 feet over in the grass. But Penny was lying in the asphalt,” said Hipp. “By the time I got to her, she had no feeling from the waist down.”

At the hospital, the doctor delivered some terrible news.

“He said, ‘I don’t know if your wife will ever walk again. Her spine seems to be very mangled,’” Hipp said.

Hipp began to pray, then took a leap of faith.

“I probably shouldn’t have done it,” said Hipp. “It wasn’t advisable to do it, but I wanted to see my wife walk.”

He pulled her out of the bed.

“Something supernatural happened when I pulled her off that bed and her foot hit the floor, something happened. She said it was like fire started in her feet, went all the way up her legs, up her back, up her spine, and God healed her,” he said.

This idiot is lucky he didn’t make things worse. The doctors weren’t sure if she could walk, and yet Einstein here (who had already sent her in the hospital in the first place) made her stand up because a fucking voice in his head told him to do it. Would he have thought it was a miracle if his actions had actually prevented her from ever walking again? What about all the people who are stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives? Did their guardian angels fail them, or is it simply some people are just lucky, and others aren’t?

Wait, it gets even lamer than the motorcycle story. Apparently, angels don’t just protect people: they also act as messengers for even the most banal moments:

Years ago, before the age of cell phones, Sue was on her way to a Friday night Bible study. She was going to pick up a young woman in her 20s who just moved into town. The woman lived in a nice area where many rich singles lived. Unfortunately, Sue was running late.

“I said a prayer saying, ‘Please reassure her I’m coming,’” Werner recalled. The woman later recounted that she thought Werner forgot about her. The woman was about to leave but something interesting happened.

“Just at that moment, a brand new, super shiny silver Corvette pulled up with a very tall good looking man got out, walked straight up to her and said, ‘Don’t worry, she’s coming. She’ll be here in a few moments,’” Werner said.

The woman later described that the man and the car simply vanished just as Werner pulled up.

“He didn’t come up and try to pick her up or say ‘Hey, can I help you?’ He didn’t. How did he know I’d be there in a few moments and I was?” Werner asked.

Wow, how inspired! I’m totally convinced now, and it’s a miracle; I’ve lost all desire to make fun of these obviously incorrect fools. Hallelujah!

Look folks, the world would be a weird place if there were NO coincidences or strange occurrences happening at all. I know these experiences can be overwhelming, especially if you’ve been fed stupid ideas like “angels exist” and “God is a bearded old man who loves you”, but you have to stop looking to the supernatural for explanations about the real world. Every time you do, the rest of us feel embarrassed for humanity.

The first sign someone is a dangerous dictator usually comes when gigantic statues supposedly commemorating the fact these people are our lords and masters start popping up all over the place. It’s a pretty old tactic which is as old as civilization itself. I would have hoped with the death of theocratic tyrants, we would be done with this dangerous tradition. Apparently not.

A small town in Poland decided to build the biggest and evidently tackiest of all the Jesus statues in the world. It stands at over 170 feet tall, a reminder the “king of kings” left specific instructions in the New Testament to build huge structures to let everyone know who is really in charge (yeah, too bad he actually didn’t say anything remotely close to that).

You could argue this tacky monstrosity is intended to attract tourists, but if a giant statue of Jesus is enough to make you travel to this dank hell-hole, you deserve all the shitty food and service you get.

I wouldn’t even have much of an issue with this huge waste of money if not for the fact this beast has a gigantic, golden crown on its head, a clear indication this dude is supposed to be “the ruler of mankind”. Are you not tired of this antiquated and dangerous symbol? Humanity only started tasting a bit of freedom when we said “fuck off” to the whole concept of kings. The last thing we need is a new dictator, especially one who died 2000 years ago (well, supposedly).

On the plus side, you can look at this statue as a testament to the insecurity of the faithful. After all, their God is invisible, and a total no-show so far. The only way “He” can feel real to these deluded apes is by having a gigantic, 170 foot avatar to “remind” them he’s not just a figment of their imagination. Besides, I’m sure by now you’ve all heard the old saying: “the bigger they are, the harder they fall”.

Imagine you fall down a ravine, and as you lay unconscious, slowly dying, your companions decide that instead of calling for medical help, they need to pray you back to health. If you’re anything like me, you’d will yourself out of your coma and strangle them with your own entrails. Of course if that doesn’t work, you could always try suing them (it’s less messy anyways).

As it turns out, this actually happened (well, minus the strangling part) about two years ago, when Jason Michael Carlsen fell (or was pushed; no one seems to be sure) down a ravine, his companions decided to try and pray for him to come back to life. Once that inevitably failed, they contemplated for hours whether they should call the police. He was left a total of 6 hours out in the open before being rescued, and spent a month in a coma. Now a paraplegic, he’s suing Sarah Elisabeth Koivumaki and Zachary Gudelunas, the two Bethel School loons who actually thought prayer could save him.

The Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry sounds like it wants to be the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, minus any actual super powers:

Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM) is committed to the truth that God loves people, gave Himself for them and has given His Church supernatural power to bring individuals and nations into wholeness. BSSM is a Holy Spirit driven ministry school where students of all ages come to learn how to live in the Kingdom of God and extend its borders through a supernatural lifestyle

If you’re wondering what a “supernatural lifestyle” is, it basically boils down to teaching students prayer has the power to heal and even bring back people from the dead. It’s difficult to know if these deluded idiots actually thought they could solve the problem by wishing it away, or if they had simply panicked after their companion fell.  That’s the problem when dealing with people who have crazy beliefs; you never really know their true intentions. Koivumaki and Gudelunas claimed they waited for hours to call police out of fear they would be kicked out of school, but because they are accused of actually pushing him off in the first place, it’s equally plausible they were merely trying to get their stories straight.

I think the lesson here is pretty simple: if you go out drinking near the edge of a cliff (something profoundly stupid to begin with), don’t go with anyone who believes they have the power to heal you by wishing to their sky-daddy.

You’d think collecting over 2 million dollars a month would be sufficient income for any religious organization, but apparently it simply isn’t enough money for the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove California to pay their bills. They’ve recently filed for bankruptcy after amassing an impressive 43 million dollar debt (a major chunk of it being the mortgage on this tacky monstrosity). MSNBC reported the amount might be as high as 100 million dollars.

The church owes all kinds of money to people, and it’s hard to determine what kind of economic impact their defaulting will cause:

Kristina Oliver, whose Hemet-based company provided live animals for the church’s “Glory of Christmas” manger scene, said she doubts she will recover in full the $57,000 she is owed. “The church never made any kind of advancement that they wanted to pay their debt, that they were willing to try to make it happen and every time we tried they told us, ‘You can’t tell us how to run our business,’” Oliver said. “I’m upset because I have a 30-year relationship with them and you need to be up front, put all your cards on the table.”

Odd are you’ve heard of their TV show, “Hour of Power” which is broadcast throughout the US and even Europe. Although you might think being so popular would actually generate them substantial income, the program seems to have been under-performing for quite some time. The Church has been having money problems dating back to at least 2009, when a family feud divided their congregation right down the middle. Since then, revenue has been plummeting faster than my looks.

I guess 2 million bones isn’t enough when you’re trying to pay the bills on the tower you leased from Saruman, even when it’s tax free. You have to wonder if the people who give them truckloads of money feel let down and betrayed; sure, you can blame the economy for a reduction in charitable giving, but when your church is literally a scary castle with a gigantic glass spire, you don’t get many sympathy points. This is doubly true when taxpayers end up having to pick up the tab for their stupid bullshit. Here’s an idea if you can’t pay your bills anymore, get the fuck out of a church you can’t afford! It’s not rocket science, but then again these aren’t the kind of people interested in such earthly notions as common sense and logic.

NOTE: The megachurch made an appearance in season nine of the Simpsons when Homer is dragged naked across the glass surface. If the Internet wasn’t such a twat regarding copyright, I could have shown it to you, but in the meantime you’ll need to use your powers of recollection to see it.

I guess Muslims don’t have a monopoly when it comes to over-reacting to cartoons depicting their religious leaders. A Montana woman was recently charged with first degree criminal mischief after she entered a Colorado art gallery with a crowbar and destroyed a series of prints depicting a she-male Jesus receiving oral sex from another man. It’s actually a lot more milquetoast than it sounds.

The artist had been receiving so many death threats that he stopped opening his mail altogether, proving once again religious people are murderously sensitive when it comes to their indefensible beliefs. Kathleen Folden, 56 was wearing a “My savior is tough as nails” (which actually reminds me of a pretty blasphemous ad), but apparently this all powerful entity is incapable of defending himself, and needs crowbar-wielding thugs to do his bidding. His power is truly astounding, is it not? Here’s what her lawyer had to say:

Folden’s attorney, Cliff Stricklin, commented today, “The focus has been on Ms. Folden here today and yesterday, but I think the focus should probably be changed a little bit and we should be asking why the City of Loveland would have deliberately endorsed such a provocative, insensitive depiction and display.”

Yeah, that’s really the important question to ask: why would a museum put up art that was controversial? Artists should just cater to our aesthetic tastes; their creative expression be damned! After all, you might accidentally offend intolerant truck drivers with nothing better to do than be a thug for Jesus.

What really pisses me off about this whole story is in response to this outburst of violence, the gallery no longer offers the print for sale. Mission accomplished everybody! That’s how you silence artistic expression; one act of vandalism at a time.

A couple of months ago, Alexsei Vladmir Nikola was walking down the street with his “Jesus is a Cunt” t-shirt and was spotted by police officers, who immediately took offense to the hot masturbating nun on the front. He’s been charged with public nuisance, and faces up to six months in jail if found guilty.

How exactly is wearing a t-shirt public nuisance? Well you see, old Christian ladies might get all worked up over their favorite deity getting mocked, and that just won’t do. Better to lock his ass up in jail and teach him expressing your opinions in shirt form is a serious crime, especially if it hurts the feelings of religious rubes! Keep locking up your citizens for speaking their minds, Australia; you truly are a bastion of freedom.

I’ll never grow tired of old, conservative gas-bags going on about how atheism is either dead, on it’s way out, or, as this crusty old white dude said, “a joke”. Because he’s convinced only an invisible male patriarchal God is the proper explanation as to the existence of the Universe, columnist William Murchison believes the recent remarks of Stephen Hawking, claiming the Universe did not need a supernatural origin, displays a kind of cosmic ignorance. Yes, a Christian dogmatist is calling Stephen Hawking, one of the greatest scientific minds of the last century, a dolt.

Who is likely to grow mute in the face of a bald claim that the universe more or less invented itself? Was Hawking there with his camera? That would be the first question. Soon other questions would follow. The vast variety of life — that was spontaneous, too? The human organism — the brain, the eye, the ear, the digestive tract — just sort of, you know, happened? The sky, the seas, the seasons, not to mention human reproduction–those things just happened too? And the greatest minds of history failed to catch on, century after God-fearing century? That, or they practiced denial? Uhhhh … yeah.

So this idiot’s first question to Hawking would be, “dude, did you have a camera with you?” Yeah, sounds like an insanely brilliant question. Can the same burden of proof be placed in the hands of Christians who claim Jesus resurrected and was born of a virgin? I guess before the invention of the video camera, we couldn’t actually know anything.

As for the rest of his dimwitted statements, is he trying to suggest  scientists are somehow in “denial” about the case for God? Our species wasn’t in denial regarding our understanding of the natural world; we were, unsurprisingly, simply ignorant and lacked the proper tools to unravel the mysteries of the Cosmos. That tool is science itself, and this marvelous methodology has spoken volumes on the evidence of the age of the Universe, the nature and history of life, and the evolution of things like eyes, ears, brains and digestive tracts. Denial is now a recent phenomenon as human beings, who should know better, still cling to the fanciful and infantile claims of religion. What’s your explanation, moron — that some bearded entity made it all appear in 6 days?

Wait, he’s just getting warmed up:

Many of them are technically intelligent, Hawking is routinely labeled “brilliant”, but they swallow with satisfied smiles the intellectual bilge called atheism.

Well, glad at least we measure high on this guy’s scale of “technically intelligent”. Perhaps if he actually bothered to research exactly WHY Hawking is considered brilliant, he might not be so self-satisfied with his own obviously dwindled mental capacities. Now, I know I might be accused of name calling, but it’s only a consequence of this guy’s incessant need to remind his readers we’re a bunch of unpleasant a-holes. He even throws in Robert Ingersol for good measure, suggesting this man was an unpleasant jerk. Take 5 minutes to educate yourself on this guy and you’ll quickly realize he was precisely the opposite of this. Of course we would all seem like a bunch of annoying douche-bags to him; we’re attempting to show the world what utter superstitious nonsense religion really is. Did you expect in the process a bunch of grumpy old white dudes wouldn’t get a little upset?

The one thing that continually grates me is how casually authors like William Murchison and his ilk do their best to besmirch us. They seem to be unaware that if their speeches were slightly altered, and the word “atheist” was replaced with any other minority, there wouldn’t be one single respectable media outlet that would allow them the opportunity to spew such ludicrous vitriol. Imagine for a moment if this same article had said “I imagine there have been, here and there, pleasant JEWS. If so, one rarely runs across them”. Then again, that does sound like something a Christian would have said a few decades ago, doesn’t it?