Dr. Jeffrey Long is a doctor who helps terminal cancer patients deal with their illness. He’s been fascinated with Near Death Experiences for a long time, and he’s recently written a book about them called Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near-Death Experiences. He has interviewed thousands of people, and because of the remarkable similarity of their experiences, he’s concluded it must be proof there is an afterlife. I think it just proves he’s a fucking idiot.

Dr. Long has obviously decided to abandon his objectivity, and I find his use of the word “Science” in his title extremely misleading. When you do science, you have to explain how even your own theories might be disproved; in his case, all that is necessary is evidence that the reason we experience similar effects during death is because of the way the brain reacts when it dies.

The effects of NDEs have been recorded for a long time, and most serious scientists compare them with what we experience during lucid dreaming (this is where people are aware they are dreaming, but still have very realistic experiences). Dr. Long is either unaware of these studies, or has already concluded that the only viable explanation must be there is a supernatural world that people escape to during death. It’s a pretty weak conclusion, and it’s obviously not very scientific. Perhaps he’s never heard of Occam’s Razor; is it more logical to assume people’s brains are freaking out and releasing a potent cocktail of chemicals to calm them down, or that a spiritual world beyond our comprehension exists so our minds can live forever in some fantasy land paradise? I feel fucking stupid just proposing the latter, and so should he.

He claims he’s a better physician now that he’s written this book. I would disagree, since he now foolishly believes he has enough proof to tell his patients they don’t need to feel frightened about death since they will live forever in a magical playland created by a loving sky daddy. Maybe not everyone feels it’s very healthy to endorse obvious wishful thinking. Sounds to me like he’s actually gotten worse.

It was bound to happen; a number of conservative blogs are already complaining that Avatar is anti-American leftist propaganda, glorifying the Na’vi and showing humans as the bad guys. The main character’s choice to stand by the Na’vi is seen by the right as the ultimate treachery to both God and capitalism (two things that conservatives seem unable to disassociate).

The problem with life on earth is not Capitalism, it is the wickedness of human nature. The cure for this is not found in hugging a tree. The cure is to repent of sin and accept that Jesus Christ paid the price for your forgiveness AND TRANSFORMATION. You can become a new person driven by the Spirit of God to be kind, considerate, honest and loving.

I suppose if you’re the average American conservative, you assume any movie where Americans aren’t blowing shit up “for freedom and Jesus” is obviously unpatriotic. For the right, any criticism of current foreign or domestic policy is unacceptable; America is perfect the way it is, and no one is allowed to change her. It doesn’t matter that the country is effectively broke from having to conduct two wars simultaneously. It’s also apparently inconsequential their myopic financial institution almost brought down the entire world economy with their pursuit of profit; that’s the system we have, and you better put an American flag on your car before everyone thinks you’re a pinko bastard.

How predictable is it that any movie that doesn’t suck Jesus’ holy cock is seen as instantly immoral and liberally biased by the religious right? Will there come a time when we are spared their pointless protestations at the exclusion of their deity from movies? Do they really regard the fictional Na’vi as a threat to their religious order? The religious right in America likes to conflate their religion with American domestic and foreign policy, a practice that has the rest of the world shaking their heads in disbelief. We find this practice both objectionable and deplorable. How can anyone criticize the US if the justification for their actions is shielded in religious zealotry?

Can you all relax and stop thinking everything Hollywood produces is a gigantic anti-Jesus conspiracy? Just enjoy the movie and shut the fuck up already; it’s painful to listen to you whine every time the good guys aren’t “The Marines”.

I’ll give him this: Stephen is willing to stand up for his belief in God, even if the life of his child were at risk. His presence on Big Brother is a goldmine of insanity so far, and it’s only getting better. He recently told one of his roommates that if a gun wielding maniac threatened to kill his daughter with a machine gun, he would force her to not renounce Jesus even if it meant saving her life.

I can’t even imagine a situation where this would ever happen, and I certainly hope no one tries to test Stephen on this issue. It just reminds me how fucked up people’s priorities are. I don’t care how much you love the invisible man in the fucking sky; don’t put your faith before your own children. Baldwin naively believes he would see his daughter up in Heaven, but if he could break out of the fog of faith he’s in for a second, he’d realize “magical sky playland” is merely the invention of clever people trying to comfort scared monkeys who contemplate their own death. Life is far more cruel than we can imagine, and there’s no reward after you die. You just need to deal with that shit and make the most of your time here. I choose not to spend it on one bended knee, and it’s fucking fantastic.

The Christian Anti-Defamation League has just released their “Top 10 Instances of Christian Bashing” for 2009, and as you’ll see, most of them are centered around homosexuality:

10. Pro-life Pastor Reverend Walter Hoye of Oakland, CA was jailed for exercising peaceful, pro-life speech.

9. Rev. Fred Winters was murdered while preaching in his pulpit in Maryville, Illinois.

8. HBO’s program “Curb Your Enthusiasm” aired an episode where the main actor urinates on painting of Jesus. When confronted HBO would not apologize.

7. The overt homosexual participation in Obama’s presidential inaugural events by “Bishop” Vickie Eugene Robinson, the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington D. C., and a homosexual marching band.

6. Police called to East Jessamine Middle School in Lexington, Kentucky to stop 8th graders from praying during their lunch break for a student whose mother was tragically killed.

5. Pro-life activist Jim Pullion was murdered in front of his granddaughter’s high school for showing the truth about abortion.

4. An activist judge ordered a home school mom in New Hampshire to stop home schooling her daughter because the little girl “reflected too strongly” her mother’s Christian faith.

3. The Federal Department of Homeland Security issued a report entitled “Rightwing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate” that labeled conservative Christians extremists and potential terrorists.

2. President Obama’s appointment of radical anti-Christians like homosexual activist Kevin Jennings as the “safe school czar;” pro-abortion advocate Kathleen Seblius made Secretary of Human and Health Services, and Chai Feldblum, pro-homosexual and anti-religious liberty judge nominated for Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

1. The Federal Hate Crimes Bill that attacks religious liberty and freedom of speech. For the first time in our history ministers are vulnerable to investigation and prosecution for telling the truth about homosexuality.

Classically Liberal does a great job of boiling down every single point to show how none of these are the result of any specific anger or hatred against Christianity. Suffice it to say Christians have it pretty damn good, and this list is probably the weakest shit I’ve ever seen. It just confirms my beliefs that Christians are a bunch of fucking crybabies who can’t stand the idea of not being “in charge” anymore. Grow a pair, guys.

(Update: The organization does not seem to have maintained their site)

Apparently God is broke, since in the news today Pastor Rick Warren called on his flock to donate an extra $900,000 to make up for a serious shortfall in the Church’s income. The recession hit everyone pretty hard according to Rick, which means regular tithers have opted to keep money for food rather than for the church. Warren has sent out a letter encouraging those who were not affected by the crisis to increase their regular donations to compensate, and to allow them to continue their programs.

The weird thing here is Warren wants to raise this money in two days, which seems sketchy. The Church doesn’t release their financials, so you have to take Rick at his word that the money is needed. Now before you start thinking he’s probably just using the money to buy himself new suits or golden Bibles, consider the fact the guy actually gives 90% of his income to the church since the success of his book. At least he puts his money where his mouth is. If it wasn’t for his raging homophobia, I might actually like the guy.

My problem lies in the fact he refuses to explain exactly WHY he needs the money so quickly, and where it will all go. Imagine a friend of yours called you up out of the blue and started pressuring you to give him thousands of dollars without specifying exactly how he would be using it. Odds are you might be a little suspicious, even if your friend was a “man of God”. Did Ricky have some crazy losses in the stock market? Maybe he borrowed a bunch of money from mobsters and needs to pay them back or something; my point is unless you tell people why the fuck you need so much money in a short amount of time, it’s pretty damn sketchy.

When economic times are rough, Prosperity Gospels flourish. Prosperity churches preach that faith in God ultimately leads to material wealth for those he favors. The charismatic preachers who espouse this philosophy are usually dressed in fine clothing, despite in America, members of these types of churches are typically much poorer than other congregations. That’s because most of these preachers equate faith to amount donated to the church. It’s a brilliant scam really; give me more money, says the preacher, and God will favor you more in the future (just don’t fucking hold your breath).

Joel Osteen (who looks like the bad guy in Shanghai Knights) is the latest jackass to try this routine, and here he is interviewed on CNN telling people to have more faith in the economy, and this will somehow fix it. According to this Atlantic article written shortly after the financial crisis, Prosperity Gospel was actually one of the reasons people had taken on loans for houses they could not afford, being assured by their ministers that God would “find a way” for them to be prosperous.

Think of it as people being dangerously and foolishly positive when it comes to their finances. Now this fucking jackass is trying to revive this movement, and he’s filling up stadiums with desperate people seeking answers and the promise of more wealth. I just hate the fact that anyone allows these kinds of charlatans to tell them how to live their lives, despite the reality members of prosperity churches are typically poorer than their counterparts.

I think I may have found the most obnoxious book in the whole world: Paul Zane Pilzer’s God Wants You to be Rich. Pilzer is convinced there is no such thing as scarcity, and everyone, given enough gumption and hard work, can achieve great financial success.

Pilzer exposes the key error–the belief in scarcity–that leads to a misunderstanding of the process of creating wealth.  Countering this zero-sum view of economics, Pilzer shows how a society’s wealth is determined not by the supply of physical resources, which are supposedly limited, but by human ingenuity, which constantly redefines what counts as a resource in the first place.

Say what? Never mind the fact that if the rest of the world lived like we did, we would need the resources of three Earths to sustain ourselves; the answer lies in human ingenuity! Don’t worry about the future, or about wasteful consumerism; human cleverness will save the day! Did I mention how much I hate lying douchebags who claim there’s no such thing as scarcity?

The book was written in the 90′s, and if you are old enough to remember this decade, you’ll recall “network marketing” (another word for a pyramid scheme) was the latest money making trend. A bunch of very naive people (myself included) fell for the allure of easy money. What we ended up with was an empty bank account and a stupefied look on our faces. When you think about it, it’s sounds much like going to church.

I think fingerprinting people is kind of paranoid and ridiculous, but I never thought anyone would be against it on religious grounds. Guess I’m an idiot. Pam McLaurin is an evangelical Christian who takes her Book of Revelation pretty fucking seriously. She thinks by having her fingerprints in a database, she’ll be cursed and marked for eternal damnation. She filed a lawsuit against Texas Education Agency (who will fire her if she doesn’t comply with their policy), citing religious discrimination. Check out one of the passages she put in the brief:

He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand and on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.… Then a third angel followed them saying with a loud voice — if anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on his forehead or on his hand he himself shall also drink of the wine of the wrath of God.… He shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb.

It’s some pretty scary shit when you think about it. Has no one really considered the possibility St. John was totally batshit crazy when he wrote it? Actually, Thomas Jefferson sure thought so, as did Martin Luther. I have to shake my head in disbelief that some people can take the insane rantings of a lunatic seriously (and when I say some, I mean millions of people). Fuck, I need to go grab a drink (or twelve).

Remember how Jimmy Carter quit his Baptist faith because he said they were getting way too hardcore for him? Continuing their fine tradition of being crazy fuckers, a small Baptist Church near Asheville, NC is having a Halloween book burning BBQ, complete with food, music, and reading materials; all of it scheduled to be grilled to perfection.

Pastor Marc Grizzard seems like a totally reasonable guy, believing the King James Bible is the only true interpretation of the Bible, despite being written in 1611 by the Church of England (before then, everyone had a wrong copy I have to assume). I guess to a crazy, uneducated white guy, the Bible HAS to be in English, or it’s a bust.

They also seem to think that any other version is actually the work of the devil, so their little bonfire is their way of showing everyone just how reasonable and level headed they all are. That, or they are just a bunch of white trash morons who think everything that expands your mind is connected to Satan. Why don’t you guys progress out of the 18th century and come join us at the grown up table, ok?

You have to love Christian apologetics. These are the guys who dedicate their lives trying to explain away all the stupid, awful, or just plain terrible stuff from the Bible. The Christian Apologetics & Research Ministry is the saddest example of the need many Christians have of a supposedly rational world view. The site dedicates itself to trying to prove the Bible is consistent and truthful, which is about as fruitful as trying to prove  rainbows really DO have a pot of gold on the other side.

Here is CARM’s mandate directly from their website:

Why this site? – To equip Christians with the truth, to expose the error of false religious systems, evolution, to teach apologetics, help Christians defend the faith, and to glorify the Lord Jesus.

They have a section on atheists (which is relatively harmless and amusing), but the crown jewel of the site has to be the gargantuan effort of trying to prove that the story of Noah’s Ark in Genesis was a literal event. The author decides to try and “scientifically” break down the distribution of all the various species to prove it would be possible to hold all these animals on just one boat. It’s like trying to fit an entire bag of marshmallows in your mouth; even if you can do it, who the fuck cares?

I’ll start by telling you that the article, though attempting to be fair, bungles up the numbers right away. The author places the amount of different insects species at about 850,000, which is only off the mark by roughly 6-10 million. He grossly underestimates the amount of mammalian and avian species currently known (ignoring all the ones we actually haven’t discovered yet), and fails to explain something as simple as their “redistribution” after the flood (**note** I wrote that marsupials were found only in Australia, but I was mistaken. They may have originated in Southeast Asia, but the point is still the same).

Of course the most obvious question (other than “are you an idiot, sir?”), is “how did all these wild animals not eat each other? It’s kind of what they do. OK, Mr. Science man, tell us how they did it:

It should also be considered that many animals can hibernate. Additionally, predators and prey have been known to live peacefully together during situations of stress like fire, flood, or earthquake. In the Ark, animal behavior probably would have been different from normal daily life. Specialists in animal behavior have noted that animals can sense danger and have often migrated to escape it. Perhaps God used their migratory instincts to get them to the Ark.

Though this is only a brief analysis, it should present enough evidence that the Ark account is certainly within the realm of possibility.

Replace brief with ridiculous, and we’re in complete agreement, buddy.

I feel like this painting is like one of those hilarious “spot the fallacy” kind of games, so I thought it might be fun to try and point out as many hilarious flaws present in this shitty painting. Feel free to add to the list in the comments:

#1. Jesus did not invent the Constitution. It’s no small irony that most of the Founding Fathers were deists.
#2. Supreme Court Judges are apparently crybabies.
#3. The painter has a huge boner for soldiers. There are over 8 different types of military personnel.
#4. Ronald Regan gets more face time than the majority of the founding fathers.
#5. They included Thomas Paine in there, despite the fact that he wrote a book destroying Christianity.
#6. No visible signs of slavery or racism here. All the black people look pretty happy about the fact that these same dutiful Christians enslaved them for a few hundred years, all inspired by the Bible!
#7. Satan is hanging out with the University Professor, “Mr. Hollywood”, the Liberal Media, and Lawyers (ok, that one is more fair). Also, Alexander Hamilton appears to be the only founding father to spot Satan, and he looks pretty calm about the whole thing.
#8. The only visible immigrant (Chinese perhaps) is cowering before the shiny head of Jesus
#9. Even a little kid can see that Jesus’ name does not appear in the Constitution, nor is his signature there.