Tag Archives: christianity

5 Life Lessons I learned from “The Unbeatables”

Posted on by

You can learn a lot from a video. Did you know that all drugs, once your brain is “on them”, will resemble a fried egg? I know this for a fact because Rachel Leah Cook smashed someone’s house up with a frying pan to prove it. Clearly, lessons abound in the digital format, so I thought it might be nice to extract some lessons of our own from this Christian cartoon courtesy of NuBeat Music (a Christian music label that occasionally dabbles in videos).

#1 – God will give you directions if you’re lost.

Forget about advances in science and technology that allows us to circumnavigate the world through GPS: God is the only navigator you’ll ever need. Just close your eyes, make a wish, and voila! God (who looks suspiciously like Santa Claus) will appear and give you the directions you so desperately need. It’s better than OnStar, people! All you need to do is surrender yourself (and a massive part of your income) to a deity that needs constant praise and approval!

#2 – Evil people are incompetent.

Are you worried that Satan and his hoards of minions might slaughter you in the night? Don’t worry: evil is in fact completely and utterly incompetent. While you may have heard “rumors” of genocides and various holocausts throughout human history, these bumbling fools are easily out-matched through the awesome power of prayer.

#3 – Everyone finds the answer “Because the Bible told me so” 100% convincing.

Your children will never be exposed to skeptical human beings vastly more knowledgeable than they are concerning the historicity of Jesus, Moses, or any other Biblical figure. Everyone is so receptive to the idea of Jesus that any need to further educate yourself is unnecessary.

#4 – When you pray, angels with giant mullets will beat-up the demons that cause cramps.

The power of prayer can cause any miracle to happen, and while your cynical mind may wonder “why can’t they do the same thing for the poor little crippled girl”, keep in mind that the added sympathy she gets from potential converts isn’t something you can easily measure. It must certainly be part of God’s “big plan”, regardless of how cruel or random it might appear to your limited mind.

#5 – Little kids are way more effective at conversion than adults.

Adults are merely chauffeurs, driving around the wisdom of 5 year old children where ever they go. You see, we begin knowing everything about the world, being infinitely wise and only slowly polluting our minds with facts, experimental evidence, and skepticism about the world. That’s why when the only grown up starts to speak, it’s because she needs to be “taught” something by someone who still wets the bed. She has so much to unlearn, and all of that starts the minute she stop thinking and starts feeling!

Well, I feel properly educated now. With my navigation, health and entire future in the hands of Santa Claus, I feel ready for the wider world. Is it finally time for me to leave the nest and start preaching the word of the Lord? If this video is anything like real life, then the answer is a resounding “Fuck Yeah!”

Why is Christianity growing in China?

Posted on by

If you were hoping that China would be immune from faith-pimps because of their long history of non-belief, then I apologize in advance for shattering your delusion. Not only is there a strong tendency for superstition in the country, they appear just as vulnerable as the rest of us to religious nonsense. How else can you explain the rise of Christianity in the East?

It is impossible to say how many Christians there are in China today, but no-one denies the numbers are exploding.

The government says 25 million, 18 million Protestants and six million Catholics. Independent estimates all agree this is a vast underestimate. A conservative figure is 60 million. There are already more Chinese at church on a Sunday than in the whole of Europe.

Keep in mind that everything in China is just ‘larger’ because of their huge population difference, so while 60 million sounds like an impressive figure to us, it represents a tiny fraction of their population. Still, I won’t deny that religion is growing, and this may have more to do with a lost sense of community than anything else. In countries with a lot of corruption, it’s difficult to trust any institution. Religions have always done a good job of providing that assurance and trust where none exists. Why should we be surprised the poor and indigent – increasingly ignored by their government – would turn to the comfort of religious dogma to escape their sorrow and connect with others like them?

What can our rational unbelief offer these people? We need to do more if we’re to win the hearts and minds of people. Merely disproving the tenets of faith doesn’t diminish the feelings of community, hope and certainty that religion offers. If we had to debate which side had the better argument to win over people, then we’d be all set. Unfortunately for us, humans aren’t rational. They don’t make up their minds after careful consideration of all the facts. Instead, they rely on intuition, feelings, and emotions to make their decisions for them, and only later intellectually justify these beliefs (we still want to THINK we’re rational, after all).

Education isn’t enough. We need to stop being gigantic pussies about it and take the ‘institutional’ plunge. We need to develop international support networks of the same complexity and devotion as our religious counterparts. We need to offer more than cold comfort, and we certainly can’t ignore all the roles filled by religion. If we truly want religion gone, then we’ll need to stop ignoring what works well for them, and instead embrace the positive attribute and appropriate them for ourselves (with a rational twist, of course).

This Christian video is terrible

Posted on by

Here’s a Christian video trying to pretend that they understand anything about rock and roll gods. It feels so real that you could swear it was taken right from “Behind the Music”. Somehow I never seem to get tired of Jesus-Junk.

My favorite part of the video is when the blond haired guy asks God-boy: “How do you know the book is true?” and he’s given the non-answer of: “My book is the Bible. Ever since I started living by what it says in there, my life has changed so much.”

That’s not really an answer, bro. In any case, I would never deny that a person’s life can change when they start reading the Bible. If you aren’t busy trying to ensure that you’re not wearing clothes made of two different fabrics or trying to cook your bread using your own feces, there’s tons of confusing stories to find a way to somehow make relevant in today’s modern world.

The Good Atheist Podcast: EP 216

We answer a letter from a fan discussing if any ‘proof’ of God would satisfy us, discuss how Sam Harris lost fans for having economic opinions and expose Seven Mountain Dominionism.

The Good Atheist
The Good Atheist
The Good Atheist Podcast: EP 216
Loading
/

Florida weird cohabitation rules challenged

Posted on by

Oh Florida, do you always have to ruin everything? Republicans in the state shaped like a diseased penis are fighting to keep a strange, antiquated law from being eliminated since it technically classifies any unmarried persons living together as criminals. “Cohabitation” is a second class misdemeanor, carrying fines and up to 2 months in jail. As you’ve probably guessed by now, this ridiculous law dates back to the 19th century, and in an effort to jump forward 200 years Rep. Ritch Workman (R) is trying to repeal it. He’s meeting some heavy resistance from his own party, as members are hesitant to “…give up on monogamy and a cultural statement that marriage still matters”.

Basically, these Republicans don’t want to make any move that might give gays the impression that they approve of their “lifestyles” (honestly guys, I think they get it). And just when you think calling them out on their bigoted bullshit might be the solution, a new defense is invented: calling someone a bigot, according to former US senator Rick Santorum, is itself an act of bigotry. “Don’t point out the fact that I hold hateful archaic views,” they say, “because it hurts my feelings when you do that”. Wow.

As if that didn’t break the meter off your insanity monitor, another Floridian is busy ensuring a steady supply of crazy. “Pastor Mike“, a self described Internet troll who fancies himself a minister, finally got someone’s attention when he suggested that “open atheists” should be registered in a manner familiar to sex offenders. He started rattling a few cages when he began sending out a bunch of emails asking “real Christians” to help form a kind of registry. Even his fellow believers thought the idea was nuts, and despite his best efforts to try and hide his shame, the Internet rarely forgets. He’s since tried to defend the idea, and wonders why any non-believer would be offended. Try reading a history book instead of just the Bible Mikey, and you might find out why.

Norway attacked by Christian extremist

Posted on by

When innocent people are killed and the fog of war has yet to be lifted, it’s not uncommon for the press to assume that any terrorist actions must be the work of Islamic fundamentalists. As far as they are concerned, only the Muslim faith can indiscriminately kill innocent civilians. How easily they forget men like Timothy McVeigh or Scott Roeder; men motivated by their religion (in their cases, Christianity) to commit calculated murder. The Oklahoma City bombing was, until 9/11, the most devastating domestic attack on civilians, perpetuated by a home grown Christian fundy angry at the government for the slaughter of 76 people in Waco, Texas (he was not entirely unjustified for his anger. The Branch Davidians were massacred by the FBI). McVeigh saw the government as his enemy, and by extension, all those who had any connection with it were deemed enemies.

A similar angry brewed inside Anders Breivik, who viewed the left leaning political Labour Party as the enemy of European (i.e., white) hegemony. Multiculturalism – and in particular the Islamization of his country – were the enemy, and so he conjured a plan to attack a youth retreat organized by the party. He believed such an attack would act as a rallying cry for his fellow citizens to take violent action against their darker skinned citizens. In total, he (and perhaps an accomplice) killed 68 people and wounded 90 more.

Breivik counts Geert Wilders as one of his, a man recently acquitted of enticing violence against Islam (makes you wonder if perhaps there wasn’t something to the accusation. In any case, Norway is now deeply scarred by these events. It’s a reminder that terrorism is employed by all manner of religious fundamentalists. One does not the promise of 72 virgins to explode a car bomb: any old faith will do, so long as the principle tenants demand the destruction of unbelievers.

When will the headlines of such horrible tragedies finally read “Religious xenophobia (mixed with equally ignoble patriotism) claims more victims”?

Jesus and Mary-Magdalene are Aussies

Posted on by

A couple living in Australia believe that they are Jesus and Mary Magdalene, and they’re taking donations! AJ Miller and his girlfriend Mary want you to know that the long wait for the Messiah is over! Rejoice, believers, for the Son of Man (also called “The Human One” now) has returned, and he lives down under.

I know what you’re thinking: what proof does AJ Miller have that he’s the messiah? Get ready to be blown away, people:

There’s probably a million people who say they’re Jesus and most of them are in asylums. But one of us has to be. How do I know I am? Because I remember everything about my life.”

Ah, well, that makes perfect sense to me. They can’t all be lying, right? One of them has to be an all powerful, all knowing creator of the Cosmos. Sure, he looks a little pedestrian with his flowery shirt and his super tired-looking girlfriend, but that’s because he’s been living off the donations of some 40 followers, so the money hasn’t seriously started rolling in just yet! Give him a few more years and he’ll have enough sheep shoveling him money to buy a really swinging wardrobe.

Your skeptical mind might be wondering why he’s chosen to come back now. Well, it’s obviously because every other church on this planet got his message wrong, and now he has to give seminars explaining how souls work. If you’re too busy to show up, then you can always download his shitty recordings for free (you can donate, but he’ll probably spend all that money of more ugly shirts) .

The main reason why I have returned to earth is to teach the Divine Truth that was lost, and to present to mankind the choice that we all have in front of us now, and this choice is: continue to follow the Natural Love path of progression until the 6th sphere state, or, learn and follow the Divine Love path of progression which will result in our infinite expansion.

Um, ok…So if you’re wondering what exactly the Divine Love Path is all about, picture the most annoying hippy bullshit and then infuse it with Christianity. The result is a confusing mess of platitudes and make-believe nonsense that will make your brain hurt. Can you believe how insanely gullible his followers are? They have “no reason” to doubt his claims? Honestly folks, I think you need to learn a little skepticism in life. It might save you precious time and money…

IHOP calls Oprah Winfrey the Anti-Christ

Posted on by

Here’s what’s fucking scary about believers: some of them take it so seriously that concerns over their own well-being is secondary. For true believers, a tiny bunk-bed, barely enough food to subsist, and countless hours spent trying to recruit new zombies isn’t a chore; it’s a calling, baby!

It is how a pathetically small church, with the hilarious acronym of IHOP (International House of Prayer, not Pancakes) went from 20 members to tens of thousands in just 12 years. They recruit ferociously, and they aren’t afraid of using fiery rhetoric to get their point across. Take the sermon of their fearless leader, Mike Bickle, who is convinced the End times are upon us. And who is Anti-Christ in his “ready for Rapture” world? Why, it’s Oprah Winfrey, of course!

“The Harlot Babylon is preparing the nations to receive the Antichrist. The Harlot Babylon will be a religion of affirmation, toleration, no absolutes, a counterfeit justice movement. They will feed the poor, have humanitarian projects, inspire acts of compassion for all the wrong reasons. They won’t know it, beloved they will be sincere, many of them, but their sincerity will not in any way lessen the impact of their deception. The fact that they are sincere does not make their deception less damaging.

I believe that one of the main pastors, as a forerunner to the Harlot movement, it’s not the Harlot movement yet, is Oprah. She is winsome, she is kind, she is reasonable, she is utterly deceived, utterly deceived. A classy woman, a cool woman, a charming woman, but has a spirit of deception and she is one of the clear pastors, forerunners to the Harlot movement.”

I’m going to assume here he’s referring to the “Whore of Babylon” who is supposed to be riding a seven headed beast (remember the trippy shit that is the Book of Revelations?) Just a little word of advice for you, Mikey: can you pick someone that people actually want to sleep with? That is kind of the idea, dude.

Now the kingdom of Babylon has been extinct for over 2000 years, so in response to this, Christians believe that a “spiritual Babylon” still exists. As you might expect, this little word game helps them avoid having to deal with the fact the ancient Akkadian empire collapsed long after it failed to fulfill the prophesy. Hey, a little thing like reality isn’t going to stop them from feverishly anticipating the destruction of all mankind, right?

So, I guess the one thing we can know for sure is that if Oprah is the Antichrist, then EVERYBODY GETS A NEW CAR!!!!

New Bible calls Jesus “The Human One”

Posted on by

In an effort to make the Bible more accessible to people, the United Methodist Church has released the Common English Bible. One of the major differences from the KJV is a new nickname: rather than calling him the “Son of Man” (which I guess was getting a little old), they chose instead to call him “The Human One“. I can’t figure out how this is supposed to be more accessible, but then again, I’m also not the kind of guy that bends down on one knee for his invisible friend. Perhaps they want to make him seem more like you and me. Take the word “God” out of it, and perhaps he seems less threatening or something. As far as I’m concerned, the new nickname makes me think they’re trying to make a statement about everyone else’s humanity. “Only Jesus was the Human One. You’re just a sinning piece of shit as far as we’re concerned”.

Why am I not the Human One? Is there something wrong with me?

Gullibility Flash-Mob

Posted on by

If you aren’t familiar with “flash-mobs“, they’re essentially spontaneous gatherings of people who perform some kind of pointless or silly act. They then vamoose as quickly as they assembled. Here, we have a Franciscan looking dude with some shiny chalice-like object. Notice everyone around suddenly kneeling to show their love of some dead make-believe guy. Sad.

If you actually bother to pay close attention to what the audio is saying (which I actually don’t recommend you do unless you’re a sucker for punishment), you’ll notice they try and squeeze Jesus in books in which he’s clearly not a part. Judges, Numbers, Deuteronomy? I don’t recall seeing the name Jesus anywhere in those books…

Hey, isn’t it considered plagiarism to claim a work as your own? Just sayin’!

Conservapedia tries to call out Penn Jillette

Posted on by

This is just plain weird: convinced of the superiority of their “argument” (mainly that their super-dad made everything so a few white people can enjoy it), they’ve decided to specifically target Penn Jillette to a debate on evolution. Firstly, they want him to answer their “15 questions evolutionists can’t answer”, a grab-bag collection of old creationist canards they think has merit. I’ll summarize them here:

  1. How did life originate?
  2. How did the DNA code originate?
  3. How could mutations create the variety of life we have?
  4. Why is natural selection taught to explain the diversity of life?
  5. How did biochemical pathways originate?
  6. We think it looks designed. Why don’t you agree?
  7. How did multi-cellular life originate?
  8. How did sex originate?
  9. Why are transitional fossils “missing”?
  10. Why hasn’t evolution transformed everything into something super-smart?
  11. How did evolution create morality?
  12. Why does society “tolerate” the teaching of evolution?
  13. Where are all the scientific breakthroughs due to evolution?
  14. Evolution deals with history. Why is it a science?
  15. We think evolution is a religion. Why is it taught in science class?

I recommend you actually read the fully phrased version. It’s fucking hilarious. Anyways, they also make a few stabs at his weight, which has become their new obsession as of late. They wrote an article recently suggesting the despair of abandoning God, or being angry at him, creates depression which leads eventually to obesity. It’s rather deranged logic, especially since there’s actually data to suggest the opposite. Regardless, it seems like a ploy to try and piss him off. I’m willing to bet it doesn’t work.

Penn has nothing to gain from engaging these bozos, since they’re so caught up in their little delusion they actually think the “evidence” of evolution points to their creator God. It makes me wonder how anyone can accept “God did it” as a satisfactory answer to all 15 of their little questions.

What Churches are all about

Posted on by

If you’re a small church in the West, odds are attendance is at an all time low, tithing is way down, and desperate vicars are looking for ways to attract people into their nonsense. With profits dwindling away, any bit of parlor magic or cheap holy relic is bound to seem like a boon. Of course, it’s important to capitalize on these opportunities while your congregation is still shockingly ignorant and impressionable. Such was the hope for the now defunct “Wax Jesus” in a small church in Wiltshire.

An “image of Jesus” seen in dripped wax by worshippers at a church in Wiltshire has been removed by a cleaner. Created over a four-month period, the wax image was apparently removed by a diligent cleaner last week, although nobody has owned up.

Owned up to what? Doing their fucking job? If cleaners had to keep every stain that looked like someone’s extremely blurry messiah, then no cleaning would ever get done. Remember Christians have been “Waiting for Godot” for over 2000 years, and that’s bound to make anyone restless. They want him to return so badly they’ll start worshiping toast if it looks even faintly like someone in their supernatural pantheon. How do you tell someone in such denial of reality their God is no more real than Santa Claus?

I find the response of the church warden especially revealing:

“I felt really disappointed actually and I wished I’d done more about preserving it,” admitted Mrs. Irwin.

“The Church of England is not very good at this sort of thing and if I’d done something sooner it could have been a bit of a money spinner.”

There you go. Thanks for finally being honest with us! Rather than be upset that their false idol is now gone, the Church regrets that they aren’t as organized and efficient as the other faiths when it comes to exploiting opportunities to scam gullible people out of their hard earned cash. I mean, who wouldn’t want to pay premium monies to stare at a bunch of wax that looks like Cat Stevens?

I will say this for their congregation: most had not been fully convinced of its divinity, and so the loss of Wax Jesus is no big loss to them. I’d say for people who are superstitious and cling to anything that might resemble their hippy messiah, they show a remarkable amount of skepticism when it came to the sighting. It’s a fucking miracle!

God Said Song

Posted on by

From the songwriter’s own words:

I wrote a song called GOD SAID after watching Pat Robertson declare that the earthquake in Haiti was because of a curse from God. After hearing A man named Rev Wiley say that he was praying for President Obama’s death during the election (the prayer didn’t work BTW). After hearing people fiddle around with the idea of a curse on Japan after their recent disaster. After hearing about Koran burnings and battles that seem to have people’s interpretations of religious texts at the foundation of them all.

I’m not one of those who claims that religion is the ONLY thing that causes all of the wars and bloodshed, but it has caused many. But not necessarily even the religion but the interpretation of a few dangerous minds put into the wrong position of power or influence. I figured it was time to have a conversation with extremists like this, and put that kind of thinking in its proper perspective.

I’m sure there will be some disagreements. I put some of my more radical ideas in there, and there will probably be some disagreement about a few things here and there. That’s ok with me, I’m all for civil discussion and people having their own ideas. I don’t mean any harm, but they’re my ideas (and the directors – we all pitched in). There will be places to have these discussions, but mostly, I tried to stick to the unifying point, which is anti extremism and fundamentalism. I mean well by it. I encourage THOUGHT, REASON, LOVE, and RESPECT. I hope that comes across at the very least.

It’s a great song with a powerful message. I don’t think we could ask for anything better.