Norway attacked by Christian extremist

When innocent people are killed and the fog of war has yet to be lifted, it’s not uncommon for the press to assume that any terrorist actions must be the work of Islamic fundamentalists. As far as they are concerned, only the Muslim faith can indiscriminately kill innocent civilians. How easily they forget men like Timothy McVeigh or Scott Roeder; men motivated by their religion (in their cases, Christianity) to commit calculated murder. The Oklahoma City bombing was, until 9/11, the most devastating domestic attack on civilians, perpetuated by a home grown Christian fundy angry at the government for the slaughter of 76 people in Waco, Texas (he was not entirely unjustified for his anger. The Branch Davidians were massacred by the FBI). McVeigh saw the government as his enemy, and by extension, all those who had any connection with it were deemed enemies.

A similar angry brewed inside Anders Breivik, who viewed the left leaning political Labour Party as the enemy of European (i.e., white) hegemony. Multiculturalism – and in particular the Islamization of his country – were the enemy, and so he conjured a plan to attack a youth retreat organized by the party. He believed such an attack would act as a rallying cry for his fellow citizens to take violent action against their darker skinned citizens. In total, he (and perhaps an accomplice) killed 68 people and wounded 90 more.

Breivik counts Geert Wilders as one of his, a man recently acquitted of enticing violence against Islam (makes you wonder if perhaps there wasn’t something to the accusation. In any case, Norway is now deeply scarred by these events. It’s a reminder that terrorism is employed by all manner of religious fundamentalists. One does not the promise of 72 virgins to explode a car bomb: any old faith will do, so long as the principle tenants demand the destruction of unbelievers.

When will the headlines of such horrible tragedies finally read “Religious xenophobia (mixed with equally ignoble patriotism) claims more victims”?

Jesus and Mary-Magdalene are Aussies

A couple living in Australia believe that they are Jesus and Mary Magdalene, and they’re taking donations! AJ Miller and his girlfriend Mary want you to know that the long wait for the Messiah is over! Rejoice, believers, for the Son of Man (also called “The Human One” now) has returned, and he lives down under.

I know what you’re thinking: what proof does AJ Miller have that he’s the messiah? Get ready to be blown away, people:

There’s probably a million people who say they’re Jesus and most of them are in asylums. But one of us has to be. How do I know I am? Because I remember everything about my life.”

Ah, well, that makes perfect sense to me. They can’t all be lying, right? One of them has to be an all powerful, all knowing creator of the Cosmos. Sure, he looks a little pedestrian with his flowery shirt and his super tired-looking girlfriend, but that’s because he’s been living off the donations of some 40 followers, so the money hasn’t seriously started rolling in just yet! Give him a few more years and he’ll have enough sheep shoveling him money to buy a really swinging wardrobe.

Your skeptical mind might be wondering why he’s chosen to come back now. Well, it’s obviously because every other church on this planet got his message wrong, and now he has to give seminars explaining how souls work. If you’re too busy to show up, then you can always download his shitty recordings for free (you can donate, but he’ll probably spend all that money of more ugly shirts) .

The main reason why I have returned to earth is to teach the Divine Truth that was lost, and to present to mankind the choice that we all have in front of us now, and this choice is: continue to follow the Natural Love path of progression until the 6th sphere state, or, learn and follow the Divine Love path of progression which will result in our infinite expansion.

Um, ok…So if you’re wondering what exactly the Divine Love Path is all about, picture the most annoying hippy bullshit and then infuse it with Christianity. The result is a confusing mess of platitudes and make-believe nonsense that will make your brain hurt. Can you believe how insanely gullible his followers are? They have “no reason” to doubt his claims? Honestly folks, I think you need to learn a little skepticism in life. It might save you precious time and money…

IHOP calls Oprah Winfrey the Anti-Christ

Here’s what’s fucking scary about believers: some of them take it so seriously that concerns over their own well-being is secondary. For true believers, a tiny bunk-bed, barely enough food to subsist, and countless hours spent trying to recruit new zombies isn’t a chore; it’s a calling, baby!

It is how a pathetically small church, with the hilarious acronym of IHOP (International House of Prayer, not Pancakes) went from 20 members to tens of thousands in just 12 years. They recruit ferociously, and they aren’t afraid of using fiery rhetoric to get their point across. Take the sermon of their fearless leader, Mike Bickle, who is convinced the End times are upon us. And who is Anti-Christ in his “ready for Rapture” world? Why, it’s Oprah Winfrey, of course!

“The Harlot Babylon is preparing the nations to receive the Antichrist. The Harlot Babylon will be a religion of affirmation, toleration, no absolutes, a counterfeit justice movement. They will feed the poor, have humanitarian projects, inspire acts of compassion for all the wrong reasons. They won’t know it, beloved they will be sincere, many of them, but their sincerity will not in any way lessen the impact of their deception. The fact that they are sincere does not make their deception less damaging.

I believe that one of the main pastors, as a forerunner to the Harlot movement, it’s not the Harlot movement yet, is Oprah. She is winsome, she is kind, she is reasonable, she is utterly deceived, utterly deceived. A classy woman, a cool woman, a charming woman, but has a spirit of deception and she is one of the clear pastors, forerunners to the Harlot movement.”

I’m going to assume here he’s referring to the “Whore of Babylon” who is supposed to be riding a seven headed beast (remember the trippy shit that is the Book of Revelations?) Just a little word of advice for you, Mikey: can you pick someone that people actually want to sleep with? That is kind of the idea, dude.

Now the kingdom of Babylon has been extinct for over 2000 years, so in response to this, Christians believe that a “spiritual Babylon” still exists. As you might expect, this little word game helps them avoid having to deal with the fact the ancient Akkadian empire collapsed long after it failed to fulfill the prophesy. Hey, a little thing like reality isn’t going to stop them from feverishly anticipating the destruction of all mankind, right?

So, I guess the one thing we can know for sure is that if Oprah is the Antichrist, then EVERYBODY GETS A NEW CAR!!!!

New Bible calls Jesus “The Human One”

In an effort to make the Bible more accessible to people, the United Methodist Church has released the Common English Bible. One of the major differences from the KJV is a new nickname: rather than calling him the “Son of Man” (which I guess was getting a little old), they chose instead to call him “The Human One“. I can’t figure out how this is supposed to be more accessible, but then again, I’m also not the kind of guy that bends down on one knee for his invisible friend. Perhaps they want to make him seem more like you and me. Take the word “God” out of it, and perhaps he seems less threatening or something. As far as I’m concerned, the new nickname makes me think they’re trying to make a statement about everyone else’s humanity. “Only Jesus was the Human One. You’re just a sinning piece of shit as far as we’re concerned”.

Why am I not the Human One? Is there something wrong with me?

Gullibility Flash-Mob

If you aren’t familiar with “flash-mobs“, they’re essentially spontaneous gatherings of people who perform some kind of pointless or silly act. They then vamoose as quickly as they assembled. Here, we have a Franciscan looking dude with some shiny chalice-like object. Notice everyone around suddenly kneeling to show their love of some dead make-believe guy. Sad.

If you actually bother to pay close attention to what the audio is saying (which I actually don’t recommend you do unless you’re a sucker for punishment), you’ll notice they try and squeeze Jesus in books in which he’s clearly not a part. Judges, Numbers, Deuteronomy? I don’t recall seeing the name Jesus anywhere in those books…

Hey, isn’t it considered plagiarism to claim a work as your own? Just sayin’!

Conservapedia tries to call out Penn Jillette

This is just plain weird: convinced of the superiority of their “argument” (mainly that their super-dad made everything so a few white people can enjoy it), they’ve decided to specifically target Penn Jillette to a debate on evolution. Firstly, they want him to answer their “15 questions evolutionists can’t answer”, a grab-bag collection of old creationist canards they think has merit. I’ll summarize them here:

  1. How did life originate?
  2. How did the DNA code originate?
  3. How could mutations create the variety of life we have?
  4. Why is natural selection taught to explain the diversity of life?
  5. How did biochemical pathways originate?
  6. We think it looks designed. Why don’t you agree?
  7. How did multi-cellular life originate?
  8. How did sex originate?
  9. Why are transitional fossils “missing”?
  10. Why hasn’t evolution transformed everything into something super-smart?
  11. How did evolution create morality?
  12. Why does society “tolerate” the teaching of evolution?
  13. Where are all the scientific breakthroughs due to evolution?
  14. Evolution deals with history. Why is it a science?
  15. We think evolution is a religion. Why is it taught in science class?

I recommend you actually read the fully phrased version. It’s fucking hilarious. Anyways, they also make a few stabs at his weight, which has become their new obsession as of late. They wrote an article recently suggesting the despair of abandoning God, or being angry at him, creates depression which leads eventually to obesity. It’s rather deranged logic, especially since there’s actually data to suggest the opposite. Regardless, it seems like a ploy to try and piss him off. I’m willing to bet it doesn’t work.

Penn has nothing to gain from engaging these bozos, since they’re so caught up in their little delusion they actually think the “evidence” of evolution points to their creator God. It makes me wonder how anyone can accept “God did it” as a satisfactory answer to all 15 of their little questions.

What Churches are all about

If you’re a small church in the West, odds are attendance is at an all time low, tithing is way down, and desperate vicars are looking for ways to attract people into their nonsense. With profits dwindling away, any bit of parlor magic or cheap holy relic is bound to seem like a boon. Of course, it’s important to capitalize on these opportunities while your congregation is still shockingly ignorant and impressionable. Such was the hope for the now defunct “Wax Jesus” in a small church in Wiltshire.

An “image of Jesus” seen in dripped wax by worshippers at a church in Wiltshire has been removed by a cleaner. Created over a four-month period, the wax image was apparently removed by a diligent cleaner last week, although nobody has owned up.

Owned up to what? Doing their fucking job? If cleaners had to keep every stain that looked like someone’s extremely blurry messiah, then no cleaning would ever get done. Remember Christians have been “Waiting for Godot” for over 2000 years, and that’s bound to make anyone restless. They want him to return so badly they’ll start worshiping toast if it looks even faintly like someone in their supernatural pantheon. How do you tell someone in such denial of reality their God is no more real than Santa Claus?

I find the response of the church warden especially revealing:

“I felt really disappointed actually and I wished I’d done more about preserving it,” admitted Mrs. Irwin.

“The Church of England is not very good at this sort of thing and if I’d done something sooner it could have been a bit of a money spinner.”

There you go. Thanks for finally being honest with us! Rather than be upset that their false idol is now gone, the Church regrets that they aren’t as organized and efficient as the other faiths when it comes to exploiting opportunities to scam gullible people out of their hard earned cash. I mean, who wouldn’t want to pay premium monies to stare at a bunch of wax that looks like Cat Stevens?

I will say this for their congregation: most had not been fully convinced of its divinity, and so the loss of Wax Jesus is no big loss to them. I’d say for people who are superstitious and cling to anything that might resemble their hippy messiah, they show a remarkable amount of skepticism when it came to the sighting. It’s a fucking miracle!

God Said Song

From the songwriter’s own words:

I wrote a song called GOD SAID after watching Pat Robertson declare that the earthquake in Haiti was because of a curse from God. After hearing A man named Rev Wiley say that he was praying for President Obama’s death during the election (the prayer didn’t work BTW). After hearing people fiddle around with the idea of a curse on Japan after their recent disaster. After hearing about Koran burnings and battles that seem to have people’s interpretations of religious texts at the foundation of them all.

I’m not one of those who claims that religion is the ONLY thing that causes all of the wars and bloodshed, but it has caused many. But not necessarily even the religion but the interpretation of a few dangerous minds put into the wrong position of power or influence. I figured it was time to have a conversation with extremists like this, and put that kind of thinking in its proper perspective.

I’m sure there will be some disagreements. I put some of my more radical ideas in there, and there will probably be some disagreement about a few things here and there. That’s ok with me, I’m all for civil discussion and people having their own ideas. I don’t mean any harm, but they’re my ideas (and the directors – we all pitched in). There will be places to have these discussions, but mostly, I tried to stick to the unifying point, which is anti extremism and fundamentalism. I mean well by it. I encourage THOUGHT, REASON, LOVE, and RESPECT. I hope that comes across at the very least.

It’s a great song with a powerful message. I don’t think we could ask for anything better.

Kiwi youths uninformed about Easter

How did your Zombie Jesus Weekend turn out? Personally I stuffed myself with food and partied way too hard, but it’s pretty much the only way most people I know tend to celebrate. In fact, it looks like most of New Zealand has no fucking clue what the holiday is actually about. According to a super unscientific survey they did, kids are generally ignorant as to the history and purpose of Easter. It’s hilarious:

The 10-question survey, which asked basic questions about Christ’s death and resurrection, returned a mean test score of 5 out of 10…The question as to whom betrayed Christ confused a number of others, with one young respondent believing it was his dog who was disloyal. Another was hazy about the entire concept of Easter.

I remember that part in the Bible when Old Yeller betrays Jesus too. Bastard.

A 16-year-old believed Christ was referred to as “King of the World”, and was crucified wearing a “halo made of bunnies”.

A halo made of bunnies.. How does that even work?

All of this is a positive sign that no one really gives a damn about Christianity enough to pass on their stupid stories to the next generation. So while some may lament about this, the rest of us secularists can take comfort that the world is slowly losing its religious flavor. It might take a while, but it looks like we might be on the winning side after all.

Love wins, Christianity loses

The Evangelical world may not be as coherent and homogeneous as some would lead you to believe. For one thing, they can’t seem to properly contain the apostasy of Pastor Robert Bell, who has been preaching from Mars Hill a theology that takes special efforts to exclude Hell.

Bell credits a conversation he had about Ghandi. When a parishioner kindly reminded him he was slowly roasting in the fires of Hell, something changed in him, according to this Time article. He wanted to believe in a God who didn’t send people to Hell. What, the author argues somewhat saliently, is the point of believing if it doesn’t matter anyways?

If, in other words, Gandhi is in heaven, then why bother with accepting Christ? If you say the Bible doesn’t really say what a lot of people have said it says, then where does that stop? If the verses about hell and judgment aren’t literal, what about the ones on adultery, say, or homosexuality? Taken to their logical conclusions, such questions could undermine much of conservative Christianity.

It’s not just the conservative side that gets bent out of shape once you expose people to the real nightmare that is the Bible, and the poisonous undercurrent of its theology. Given the authority society has granted this book, rather uncritically I might add, the Bible becomes the tool of bigots, racists, and sexists alike. We then find it surprising when the power and authority they command through their religions allow for the continued mistreatment of women, minorities, and the emotional, physical and sexual abuse of children.

Some, like Bell, have resolved to make the texts fit their own perception of the world. With delightful impunity he denies Hell, aware this idea alone –  eternal torture of the innocent for the crime of having chosen the wrong god – is morally repugnant. He attempts to save his favorite deity by endorsing the idea that everyone has been retroactively saved due to the torture and martyrdom of a middle-aged Nazarene some two thousand years ago. Asking why such a barbaric act is necessary in the first place is not something he’s yet ready for, since this too taxes a belief system already strained by the capricious and cruel blood thirst of Bell’s Abrahamic god.

With Bell’s attempt to stretch the foundations of his faith to encompass individuals outside his own organization, he in effect weakens the redemptive message evangelical preachers rely on to terrify their flock from questioning doctrine. What he and his cohorts fail to understand is for some, it’s the fire and torment they like. The “lovey-dovey” stuff is for sissies and liberals in their eyes. For many in the Evangelical right, it is the intensity of their hatred of people on the “outside” of their tight little Jesus circle-jerk that fuels their hellish fantasies. Recall in their eyes, we’ve already made our choice not to believe in their intellectually void ministrations, and the heavenly reward that supposedly awaits them includes the pleasure of watching the eternity of our torment for so much free-thought. If love was really the issue at hand, how could the so-called “righteous ones” not rebel against their God at the though of so many suffering in pain forever?

Of course that’s exactly the kinds of morally repulsive conclusions Bell has reached, and so he seduces those within Evangelism who have tired of the “brimstone mandate”. They are more numerous than the churches would ever admit. It is yet another kink in their already fading aura of supposed invisibility. Keep up the good work, Robby. Your attempts to civilize your religion will end up destroying it from the inside.

The evils of Missionary work

A recent article on haveyoureadthebible.com* on missionary work left me both angry and disgusted. If you’ve got the time, I highly recommend reading it if you want your blood to boil a little (especially the pictures of these morons on dune buggies and hiking trips).

I never grew up in a particularly religious environment, thanks largely to my anti-theist father, so my interactions with missionaries occurred only in my young adulthood. Until then I never really thought about what it was all about. No doubt if I had met any in my youth, they would have filled my head with romantic images of the struggling humanitarians trying to “save the souls” of the damned to create a better world.

The reality of missionary work, however, differs vastly from the carefully crafted image religions try to portray. The problem can be understood this way: any actions intended to change the mind and culture of another society comes with a number of risks. The first, and most obvious, is the corrupting influence of wealth; for how can an African child, offered a piece of life-saving bread at the edge of starvation, not be unduly influenced by those giving out their aid? At the least sinister (and this is rarely the case), charity alone pressures those receiving food or shelter to play along for their own good. Much more often, the gift is a bargaining chip to entice converts, and a strong deterrent for departure.

The danger lies also in the twisted reason for their pilgrimage. Rather than a result of merely the kindness and goodness of their hearts, the missionary is on an ordained mission from God, told by scripture to spread the word, regardless of its consequences. The influence of which has transformed Africa into a proxy war between Christianity and Islam. Conflict follows religions wherever they go, since their own ideologies require a totalitarian control over the entirety of existence. It isn’t enough they control the actions of millions of people, the externalities of belief demand even family members turn on one another. Like Matthiew 10:21 so clearly opined,

“brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.”

*(Update: The site no longer exists)

Conservative Christians are hypocrites

When it comes to the right to practice their religion the way they see fit – which includes complaining whenever they aren’t allowed to openly discriminate against gays – Conservative Christians take that shit pretty seriously. Unfortunately, they’re also a bunch of annoying hypocrites who think every other religion is dangerous idolatry, even when it’s a bunch of innocent people dressing up like characters from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings:

Fans dressed as Wookies and vampires will be among the throng to hear passages from those bibles of fantasy The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter at a “Sci-Fi and Fantasy Friendly Church Service”.

But traditionalists have slammed the service’s irreverence and lack of emphasis on scripture…”I don’t have a problem with people enjoying sci-fi, but church isn’t the place to encourage escapism and fancy dress,” Mentone Baptist minister Murray Campbell said.

Wow. So your average church service, complete with a dude in a dress waving around burning incense and encouraging his flock to pray to an imaginary being, doesn’t encourage escapism and fancy dress, huh? Take a look in the mirror, morons. If you weren’t so used to all the weird stuff you do to please your vengeful God, you’d think it was just as ridiculous as the rest.

While the service is meant to introduce more people to Christianity, I think at the end of the day everyone coming out of this kind of service will realize it’s all just a bunch of fairytale nonsense. What better way to erode faith than to show how common and utterly played-out these stories are. If you think the story of Jesus is original, you’re just lucky modern copyright law wasn’t around at the time, otherwise the early Church fathers would have been sued by the Egyptians, Babylonians, and every other culture they blatantly plagiarized.

Pastor Can’t keep track of his own bullshit

Watch Robby as he attempts to dodge every pertinent question from a real journalist who isn’t content throwing him softballs. The best he can muster is this answer:

“Christians have built whole dogmas about what happens when you die and we have to be very careful that we don’t build whole doctrines and dogmas on what is speculation”

Umm, you wrote an entire book that is nothing BUT speculation, dude! Even some of your equally deluded buddies think you’re a heretic for suggesting it’s not necessary to convert to Christianity in the here and now.

Kudos to Bashir for asking him why he doesn’t believe in some of the different views of early Christianity. It’s a topic you won’t find many modern Christians willing to answer. Why do you believe in the specific dogma you do? Because morons like Rob Bell keep filling people’s mind with utter nonsense.

Christians protest Muslim fundraiser for homeless shelter

Now all of you are acutely aware of how disdainful I am of religion in general, but I have the common courtesy not to yell either obscenities or jeers at Muslims just going about their business. These Tea Party racist jackasses are upset because people of a different flesh tone are praying to an equally ridiculous God, and they can’t stand the idea.

Them chanting “USA, USA” during a hate rally is the cherry on top of this shit sundae, isn’t it?