About 40% of adults in America believe that Adam and Eve existed. This means that almost half of your population is functionally retarded. And you wonder why your economy is tanking…

In an effort not to ignore scientific truth forever, some evangelicals are starting to question the existence of Adam and Eve in order to finally catch up to the rest of us who have embraced the methodology of science. They naively believe -as Francis Collins does- that science and faith are compatible. I’m sure it appears to them this way, but only so long as their cognitive dissonance is in full swing. The twisted logic at work trying to rectify religious believe and the evidence of our evolution is astounding. It’s a step in the right direction, perhaps:

[Brian] Venema is part of a growing cadre of Christian scholars who say they want their faith to come into the 21st century. Another one is John Schneider, who taught theology at Calvin College in Michigan until recently. He says it’s time to face facts: There was no historical Adam and Eve, no serpent, no apple, no fall that toppled man from a state of innocence.

Yeah, if you do that, you have a major problem: without the fall, Jesus’ sacrifice is pointless (well, it was always pointless, but now more so). Original sin is of paramount importance to the faith. Don’t get me wrong; I love the idea of these people starting to accept that our species evolved from other primates. The problem is that they’ve simply refused to accept the conclusion of evolution. Of course, most evangelicals realize that abandoning this dogma would have serious repercussions to their belief:

Albert Mohler, president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, says that rebellious choice infected all of humankind.

“When Adam sinned, he sinned for us,” Mohler says. “And it’s that very sinfulness that sets up our understanding of our need for a savior.”

Humanity “infected” by sin? That’s the Christianity we know and despise. As far as Jesus-lovers are concerned, humanity is a filthy pile of sin that’s barely worthy of God’s love. Only those slavish enough in their devotion to ignore reality can enter super-magic-fun-playland-in-the-clouds when they die. The rest, those unbelievers, will be tortured forever in a lake of fire for denying the divinity of someone who, if they existed today, would be put in a sanatorium. Christianity isn’t really a “people first” doctrine. As far as they are concerned, we’re all pieces of shit that disobeyed God at one time or another and have been punished ever since.

Let me put this another way: if Adam and Eve didn’t exist, then according to a bunch of very sexist Bible-belt assholes, there would be no justification for men ruling over the lives of women. That means that ladies would be able to control not only their own lives, but their reproductive cycles as well. Do you have any idea how terrifying that prospect is for an old white guy?

I’m feeling good this morning. According to Christian apologist Josh McDowell, the web is infested with atheists like me trying to spread their vile message of godlessness and pornography. While I certainly agree with the first part of the accusation, I wish to clarify that while TGA endorses pornography, I still think that there’s way too much of it that’s anal. What happened to the vagina, guys? And please, I’m begging you: no more ass-to-mouth. You’re fucking killing me.

McDowell is worried that as Christianity slowly goes the way of the dodo, sexual “immorality” is growing, and the only way to explain this is by blaming a group you dislike for ideological reasons:

The Internet has given atheists, agnostics, skeptics, the people who like to destroy everything that you and I believe, almost equal access to your kids as your youth pastor and you have… whether you like it or not.

Oh noes! Did you know that children are being exposed to other opinions besides Christianity? Overwhelmingly, the tech savviness of atheists have given us the advantage, and as a result, the whole world is becoming a giant cesspool of sexual permissiveness.

I made the statement off and on for 10-11 years that the abundance of knowledge, the abundance of information, will not lead to certainty; it will lead to pervasive skepticism. And, folks, that’s exactly what has happened. It’s like this. How do you really know, there is so much out there… This abundance [of information] has led to skepticism. And then the Internet has leveled the playing field

Not skepticism! Every crime in the history of humanity was the result of someone thinking for themselves, and not taking things based merely on authority, right?

Of course, the only thing that seems to REALLY occupy his mind is the amount of pornography that’s available on the Internet. He should know: according to this article in New Scientist, States with a higher percentage of conservative voters watch more porn than their hippy counterparts. It’s not really all that surprising: for evangelicals, sin is some hot and nasty shit, bound to be entangled with feelings of guilt, remorse and shame. Throw in a little crystal meth and a gay prostitute in the mix, and you’re ready to be a minister!

The majority of all the 2.2 billion people who go to the Internet daily are between 15 to 25 years of age, he said. And there are 4.2 million pornographic sites. “Do you know how many pornographic emails would be circulated just today? 2.5 billion…just one click away.

I love how these guys seem to conflate atheism with pornography, as though the lack of belief in a 2000 year old dead Jewish carpenter (the first and the last I’m assuming) somehow means that kids are going to do hot and nasty things to one another. Newsflash, Josh: they already do that shit regardless of what you tell them. It’s kind of the reason why the human race has endured; if we didn’t like fucking so much, we’d be facing extinction like the modern panda.