Are you tired of living in a country with freedom of expression? Does the thought of having to live near people with different beliefs terrifying you? Than why not move to one of the countries with the lowest freedom index in the world, with the possible exception of North Korea.

You see, according to Timur Beslangurov, an immigration lawyer from Russia, dozens of American and Canadian families have expressed their horror at having to live in a free country, and Timur has the solution: he’s trying to construct a special village outside of Moscow for anyone stupid enough to move there.

The Russian lawyer claimed that some of those tens of thousands want to move to Russia because they are traditional Catholics who “very strongly believe in the prophecy that Russia will remain the only Christian country in the world.”

Now, who is going to pay for the construction of this Christian paradise? Why, it’s the very people who they are trying to attract there to begin with. Keep in mind that county where 2/3 of it’s rural population doesn’t even have access to indoor plumbing. I guess Jesus isn’t really a fan of modern amenities.

Considering that this same county is jailing people for years for daring to even call their “special military operation” in Ukraine a war, there’s the very strong possibility that these moronic immigrants might be forcibly recruited to go fight in their protracted conflict. What a deal! Where do I sign up, already?

If you’re a Canadian or an American that’s tempted to move there, I have only one thing to say to you: Dasvidaniya, bitches.

One a quiet night in Ipatinga, a medium sized municipality in Brazil, an old man had a revelation. He dreamed that a mountain of gold was located under his kitchen. Now, most of us would interpret this as merely a trick of the mind. After all, who wouldn’t want to find a treasure right where they live? Unfortunately for him, instead of laughing it off, he took this to be a sign from God. For months, he began to dig a massive hold under his kitchen floor.

The hole had reached a depth of 40 meters before tragedy struck. While he was removing water and mud from his massive excavation, the old man slipped, falling to his death. The fire department retrieved his body, and from the condition of the corpse, it was obvious that he had suffered a great deal before expiring.

Is there a lesson to learn from this? Well, let’s start with the fact that there is a finite amount of gold that can be mined. Some estimates suggest that we might “run out” of minable gold by 2050. Let’s also keep in mind that dreams are no substitute for mineral surveys. Lastly, even if there were a God, I highly doubt that this entity gives a flying crap about that shinny metal we’re all obsessed with.

If you build a giant, 33 meter flammable statue in the middle of a town, you can’t exactly say that you couldn’t imagine the possibility that it might be hit by lightning and catch on fire. My guess is that they assured themselves that since they were building an effigy of their god, that surely it would be spare the wrath of nature. It only took two years for this ugly mess to be struck by lightning. Now, the small Mexican town that wanted to be known for having the world tallest Jesus statue will have to contemplate trying to spend another 6 years rebuilding it.

The hilarious thing is that it’s not the first time this kind of incident has happened. In 2007, a statue of Jesus was also hit by lightning, and the nuns were quick to claim that it held no religious significance and was simply an act of nature, and not God (boy when the miracle looks sinister, they sure like to pull the “nature” card). Then, three years later, the hideous “Touchdown Jesus” was also struck down. Both were repaired, their parishioners having learned nothing of the devastating power of mother nature.

So, I’m not a superstitious man, but if you religious symbols are being burned down systematically with what almost looks like targeted strikes, is it perhaps not time to rethink the whole affair?