Bloody dolphins! Don’t they know playing and having fun is strictly a human activity? Apparently no one bothered to tell them culturally transmitted behavior is not unique to upright primates, as a group of Australian dolphins appear to have learned and passed on a new trick: water walking. By furiously paddling their tails, they manage to pop out of the water and do a kind of “dolphin moonwalk”.

Sure, it looks like Jesus, if he had his face re-arranged by a crowbar. Hey, I don’t want to seem like a bummer for pointing out blurry images are hardly proof of the existence of a deity, but shit this dumb makes my head hurt. Why does the media ALWAYS answer the call every time some gullible idiot claims to see their chosen god in a taco, grill-cheese sandwich or a dog’s butt-hole? Surely there are more interesting stories than “highly impressionable rube is tricked by pareidolia“.

I’ve never been able to fully appreciate the kind of fear mongering religions are well known for, mostly because I was never influenced by their terrifying dogma. It’s easy for many of us non-believers to scoff at the claims devils casually walk the earth, looking for souls to devour. But for millions of impressionable children, these kinds of messages often create fear and panic over the thought of being possessed or even destroyed by supernatural forces.

The Escapist has an interesting article about how a young man found the courage to face his fear of the Devil by playing Doom and Diablo II. Since his church filled his head with vague stories of demons waiting around every corner without shape or substance, he found shooting their physical manifestations, even if they were in video game form, was therapeutic. For the first time in his life he was able to confront the imagery that had so terrified him:

Satan, as presented in my religious indoctrination, haunted me because I could never truly perceive him. He was an invisible being that could strike at any time and turn me into the head-spinning, bile spitting torture victim from The Exorcist. In Doom, supernatural evil had corporeal bodies, ones that I could puncture with a full arsenal of weaponry found lying around like discarded trash. They had the ability to return the hurt, sure, but that’s what picking up med kits and new suits of armor were for.

It kind of makes me wonder if that isn’t the best way to get young people to stop being so afraid of the “monsters under their beds”. Preachers are often notorious when it comes to drumming up fear to terrify their flock, but they can’t contend with the entertainment value of a good video game. And rather than being a passive observer, the player is an integral part of the story, leading the charge against demon hordes. Have video games helped more kids get over their fear of the supernatural? Maybe not, but would you stop playing them even if they didn’t?

The San Francisco Chronicle’s website has a hilarious column detailing 19 reasons why God allowed Touchdown Jesus to burn last week. Here’s some of my favorites:

6) The real Jesus of historical record, being a grizzled, husky, musky, dark-skinned Jew with short, curly black hair who rarely showered and smelled of goat droppings and dried sweat, and who had a thing for screaming random prophesies in the streets and talking about doom, fire and the unbearable hotness of Mary Magdalene, well, the real Jesus’ spirit has been quite displeased with being eternally depicted as a pale, soft-focus blond European hippie in bleached-out robes who likes to give lots of there-there-now hugs while watching professional sports. Basta.

10) Word has it the Hustler Hollywood sign sitting atop the adult bookstore across the street from the torched Touchdown Jesus was left unscathed, thus proving (once again) that God really does like porn. And irony. Or just needs a new contact lens prescription.

12) Really, who doesn’t like to watch fundamentalists scurry about in a baffled frenzy, unsure what it all might mean, vowing to rebuild the tacky roadside hellbeast in honor of, well, of not really understanding much about divinity, or art, or how nature works? Not God, that’s who.

13) Thor had had just about enough.

14) Correction: Zeus.

It’s a miracle! The One True God has finally revealed himself to us, and has decided to show his complete disapproval of idolatry by burning the effigy of some 2000 year old Jewish hippie with his Zeus lightning. It’s clear from this random disaster that “He” would much prefer his proper form to be represented by a thin, partially charred stick figure. Truly his form is both magnificent and thankfully easy to draw!

Oh shit, apparently they’re rebuilding that Jesus monstrosity this summer. Do they not see the writing on the wall? If I believed that natural disasters were the result of an anthropomorphic deity’s anxieties, would it not be normal to conclude that perhaps remaking this gaudy eye-sore isn’t entirely wise? Hey, here’s an idea: make the next version fireproof!

Is it just me or does this guy look like he took a couple “poppers” before heading off to his tiny hole-in-the-wall church? How is this any different than a 4 year old child having a little freak-out with their imaginary friend? You need to stop giving this guy sugar in the morning!

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A fan of the site (they exist apparently) sent me a link to this webcomic, Calamities of Nature,  and I thought some of them had some pretty genuinely funny and interesting points to make about religion, the Pope, and creationism. I feel as though the character of Aaron has a lot in common with little old me. I just have to ask one question though: where the fuck are his eyes?