I love Jesus because my school is unconstitutional

There are lots of schools in the US that seemed to have missed the memo that any public educational institution is a secular institution, and any form of religious proselytizing is strictly forbidden. An employee in North Carolina recently discovered that her elementary school has decided that a Christmas gift basket is the perfect opportunity to try and indoctrinate kids. While packing boxes for needy families in other countries, the school has asked the kids to sign a form that asks them:

My Name is ______
I Live in _______
I love Jesus because ________”

It’s more of that annoying “charity at a price” we’ve come to expect from Christians. Their first job is always to try and spread their worthless gospel, and helping others is seen as a secondary goal. These people are too ignorant to realize that not everyone wants to hear crazy religious bullshit, especially if the only way to accept their charity is by listening to their pointless proselytizing. How about you just do nice things because people need help? Why do you need to bring your imaginary friend into everything?

Newt Gingrich can suck my balls

“How can you have judgement if you don’t have faith?”
Translation: “How can you distinguish right from wrong if you don’t believe in nonsense?”

I think I can answer this one, Newt: my judgement and morality comes from the slow, meticulous process of natural selection. Feelings of compassion, tolerance, love, friendship and community aren’t predicated by the belief that a 2000 year old dead Palestinian Jew had a really bad weekend, but rather on the need for our ancestors to get along long enough to survive and produce successful offspring. The rest is just window dressing.

Also, go fuck yourself.

Cindy Jacobs is batshit crazy

If you’re unfamiliar with the insanity of Cindy Jacobs, I have the misfortune of introducing you to a special kind of crazy bitch. Imagine if Marcia Gay Harden’s character in the movie “The Mist” had somehow found a way to traverse the fantasy barrier and crossed over into the real world (yes, I know it’s a terrible movie plot, but someone should have said that to Arnold Schwarzenegger) In January of 2011, she claimed that the mysterious death of thousands of migratory birds was the result of God punishing the world (through animal proxy, of course) for gays being allowed to serve in the military. Here she’s opposing the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters, claiming that all of this is really the work of the devil, who intends to try and take rich people’s money away.

It’s ironic that she talks about class warfare when her own organization’s aims sound very much like that of a paramilitary group, or the kind of mission statement you’d expect from a super-villain group:

Generals International is an international movement that thrives to reform the nations of the world. We are achieving societal transformation through intercession and the prophetic. Together, the staff works to expand the Kingdom of God by bearing the vision of Generals International to reform the nations of the world through the ministry of the prophetic.

The irony in all of this is that Jacobs and her ilk are attempting something similar with their 40 days 40 nights campaign (let’s call it “Occupy Washington”) in order to transform it into the “District of Christ“. It’s ok though: they’re doing it for the Lord;  not a bunch of lazy bums that blame all of their problems on rich people (well, the ones that stole their pensions, anyways).  When you’re working for the Lord, you’ve got an important job to do:

While many want to wear the label of intercessor, few are willing to pay the price to hear the still small voice of God. The intercessor petitions the throne of God with the desires of God for His people. It is not about asking God for selfish desires that can be used on our own lust, it is about discerning the will of God and then giving Him agreement and petitioning Him to implement His will on earth. A true intercessor prays God’s Word back to Him. Since God seeks voluntary lovers, we have the opportunity to cooperate with Him to implement His will on Earth. “Your will be done in Earth as it is in Heaven” is not an empty platitude; it is the vision statement for God’s original intent for mankind.

What bugs me about these kinds of power hungry madmen (or madwomen) is this idea they have that their crazy ambitions are a kind of desirable piety. It’s all for someone else in their eyes, you see. So every dollar they embezzle in their little “world reformation” plan is regarded, unquestioningly, as the will of Jesus (who is going to eventually show up any moment and claim the place, but they’ll gladly take the keys in the meantime).  And lo it’s a miracle! Their savior believes in precisely the same things they do. Hallelujah!

The Good Atheist Podcast: EP 220

This week, we talk about a new book on Sarah Palin called The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin, An NPR interview with C. Peter Wagner, and a study that tries to answer the question “why do some people learn faster than others?

The Good Atheist
The Good Atheist
The Good Atheist Podcast: EP 220
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Bloomberg is my hero

September 11th is just around the corner, and this year, Mayor Bloomberg is making sure that no clergymen from any religion are invited to the ceremony. Of course, you have a bunch of cry-baby Christians who are flipping out over this exclusion:

“This is America, and to have a memorial service where there’s no prayer, this appears to be insanity to me,” Rudy Washington tells the Wall Street Journal. “I feel like America has lost its way.”

I agree with you, Rudy. America has lost its way. It used to make provisions to ensure religion didn’t have a special place in government. The founding fathers even made the Establishment Clause the first fucking Amendment in their Constitution. Do you think they felt it was an important thing to mention?

Bloomy’s reasoning is both sound and fair: government is not in the business of picking a religion. In any case, the entire reason this structure collapsed was because of faith, and its non-adherence to reality. Why would you want someone there reminding you of the deadly consequences of blind belief?

Rick Perry on Abstinence

So, according to this uneducated redneck madman, it doesn’t seem to matter whether or not abstinence works. It’s far more important that due to his old fashioned beliefs, kids should not be taught the safest ways to have sex.

Watch him struggle to answer even the most basic facts concerning the total ineffectiveness of abstinence. Who needs evidence when you have blind belief? Here’s a man so fantastically ignorant, he makes George W. Bush look like Albert Einstein. America, is it just me or are your political candidates getting dumber by the second? I thought Bachmann was bad. How did you manage to find someone even crazier than that stupid bitch so quickly?

Anti-Gay State Rep used Craigslist to find male prostitute

I’m beginning to think there are more closeted gay Republicans than there are open Democrat ones, since it seems as though every other day some anti-gay rights crusader gets caught trying to have sex with someone of the same gender. Today’s totally disgraced hypocrite is Indiana State Rep. Phillip Hinkle, who was caught trying to hire a male prostitute on Craigslist.

I say try, since the entire ordeal was just weird, uncomfortable for everyone, and fraught with crazy drama:

The young man told The Star that they met, but that he tried to leave after the man told him he was a state lawmaker. He said the lawmaker at first told him he could not leave, grabbed him in the rear, exposed himself to the young man and then later gave him an iPad, BlackBerry cellphone and $100 cash to keep quiet.

Ok, first lesson is free Phil: if you’ve got a high profile job, don’t cheap out last minute trying to buy someone’s silence. Also, it’s generally a bad idea to give them your fucking cellphone with all your contact information, genius.

Megan Gibson [the sister of the young man] said that on the drive back, she began receiving a series of calls on the BlackBerry, including one from a woman who said she was Hinkle’s wife. “I was like, ‘Your husband is gay,’ ” Megan said.

The wife eventually tried to buy her off for 10 grand (at least someone was thinking straight), but by then the cat was already WAY out of the bag.

So what’s left for this guy? I’d love to believe that perhaps Phil will take this opportunity to embrace his love of cocks and balls and quit living a lie, but by now I think we’re already painfully familiar with how these things turn out: denial followed by admitting to a “moment of weakness” culminating into some kind of “pray the gay away” retreat. Meanwhile, the fact that this hypocrite piece of shit co-sponsored a constitutional amendment to prevent gays from marrying gets conveniently forgotten. Fantastic.

Ethics Classes under fire in Australia

A few month ago, the government had promised to introduce “Ethic Classes” for students in Aussie schools that refused to take the mandatory religious education lessons. Since that time, the government has been trying to cap wage increases for government employees, and a clever politician by the name of Fred Nile is using this opportunity to pressure the government into torpedoing the Ethics Classes in exchange for his help passing this bill. So far, he’s described the response from his own government as “very positive” (not a good sign). He’s also got a few of his own “wacky” bills he wants to pass as well:

While he would not say which were being discussed, they include bills to repeal legislation allowing same-sex adoption, to ban the possession of X-rated films and to ban alcohol advertising. ”That co-operative spirit is well and truly in place,” Mr Nile said.

So, if Nile gets his way, children will be forced to take religion classes even when they have no religious affiliation, gays will no longer have the same rights as everyone else, porn will be made illegal (how the fuck would that work anyways?), and advertising billboards get a lot less sexy.

Don’t you just love the way these old fuckfaces keep on sending us racing backwards? Forget about trying to make any progress when these dinosaurs are in power. You can’t even get classes about “ethics” without jackasses like Freddy-boy trying every trick in to book to destroy these kinds of initiatives. Good luck, my friends down-under. With guys like this in power, the future looks bright for Christian bigotry!

Texas is now the “Prophet State”

It looks like Governor Rick Perry and his religious posse are getting a little bit crazier every day. You might recall that Perry is organizing a massive prayer rally at Reliant Stadium with the intent of begging God to fix all of America’s financial problems. You see, rather than actually bother to come up with real solutions (like making sure companies like Exxon or General Electric actually pay taxes), Ricky and his theocratic buddies feel as though this is the beginning of an exciting new government that puts the focus on their favorite invisible friend, and to celebrate the unconstitutional marriage of religion and politics, they’ve declared Texas to be the “Prophet State“.

The movement’s top prophets and apostles believe they have a direct line to God. Through them, they say, He communicates specific instructions and warnings. When mankind fails to heed the prophecies, the results can be catastrophic: earthquakes in Japan, terrorist attacks in New York, and economic collapse. On the other hand, they believe their God-given decrees have ended mad cow disease in Germany and produced rain in drought-stricken Texas.

These religious nutjobs are hoping that Perry eventually runs for president in order to “restore” Christianity and make America a theocracy. Although you might think I’m being overly rhetorical (I am guilty of this on countless occasions), their mandate really is to fundamentally change the way government functions:

The new prophets and apostles believe Christians—certain Christians—are destined to not just take “dominion” over government, but stealthily climb to the commanding heights of what they term the “Seven Mountains” of society, including the media and the arts and entertainment world. They believe they’re intended to lord over it all. As a first step, they’re leading an “army of God” to commandeer civilian government.

You know how some people think that it doesn’t matter what you believe in so long as you keep it to yourself? Well, these people have no interest in keeping their insane beliefs private; they want everyone else to tow the same theocratic line. They have power, money, influence, and (worst of all), a fucking plan. And what do we have? A bunch of disorganized Internet keyboard warriors that can’t even agree as to what constitutes appropriate behavior at conferences.

We are so screwed…

Michele Bachmann vows to stay crazy

The election may be far away, but American politicians seeking the highest office usually spend months, sometimes years trying to get the support and (more importantly) the funding to make it happen. Michele, aware that the list of presidential candidates is weak enough to allow her a chance of victory, is busy making pledges she hopes will attract that massive segment of the American population that still hates gay people.

To facilitate this, she’s signed a pledge by an ultra-conservative organization called “The Family Leader” to fight against the “evils” of man on man love.

Here’s a breakdown of her pledges.

  1. Slavery was bad, but at least those black kids born back then were raised in two parents homes [NOTE: are they suggesting things were better for black kids back then?].
  2. Kids of single parents are more likely to be criminals [NOTE: Especially in Michele’s safety-net free future].
  3. Divorces are on the rise, and all those shattered families are costing make-believe number 112 billion dollars
  4. The social safety net of women and children is eroding due to homosexuality [NOTE: Isn’t this the party that wants to destroy all social programs?].

So as a result of these “facts”, Michele has vowed to do the following if the American people collectively lose their minds and elect her president. Those vows include:

  1. She vows to be faithful to her husband.
  2. She promises to respect the marriages of others, so long as it’s heterosexual [NOTE: She didn’t before?].
  3. She vows to be faithful to her own unique interpretation of the Constitution.
  4. She vows to oppose gay marriage and other non-traditional unions.
  5. She promises to get rid of marriage benefits to “quicky” divorces.
  6. She vows to protect soldiers from the unwanted advances and potential raping by their fellow gay soldiers.
  7. She wants all married heteros to have as many kids as possible.
  8. She rejects Sharia Law.
  9. Make all porn ILLEGAL [NOTE: She must be destroyed…].
  10. She promises to “downsize” government where it suits her to save money, but makes no mention of reducing the nearly 1 trillion dollars spent annually on defense [NOTE: Say goodbye to any social program of merit if she’s elected].
  11. She promises to “fiercely” defend a person’s religious freedom against “attack” [NOTE: She probably means criticism].

There you have it folks: for a segment of your population, this bigot is the next president. Does it matter that she represents everything that is wrong with America [poor understanding of history, extreme religiosity, latent bigotry, racism, jingoism, and hyper conservative]?

Pray your problems away, Rick Perry!

America is in crisis. Debt is spiraling out of control, and citizens have become consumed by deficit, of both the credit card and student loan variety. Many social programs, brought to their knees by conservative administrations, are being overtaxed by an increasingly aged population. As the average American begins to comprehend the grim situation, many are feeling desperate and afraid. So, as you can image, this is the kind of climate where religions thrive, and where naïve rubes are convinced the best way to solve everything is by asking help from a magical man in the sky (who happens to be a few thousand years late arriving). This, by the way, is the same dude who promised to come back and behead the majority of people on this planet in the worst bloodbath in human history. Who wouldn’t be excited?

The particular offender today is the new governor of Texas, Rick Perry. Now, the job of governor of the great state of Texas requires that the candidate have an overly developed religious muscle and a severely atrophied brain. Ricky has managed to outdo himself with his latest idea to solve the financial crisis in America: he wants to fill up a stadium full of Christians and have them all pray for the bad news to go away.

America is in crisis: we have been besieged by financial debt, terrorism, and a multitude of natural disasters. As a nation, we must come together and call upon Jesus to guide us through unprecedented struggles, and thank Him for the blessings of freedom we so richly enjoy.” The Texas Governor called on Americans to join him in asking for “God’s forgiveness, wisdom and provision for our state and nation. There is hope for America. It lies in heaven, and we will find it on our knees.

If America’s only hope is to pray to their imaginary friend for their debt to magically disappear, I’ve got some pretty grim news for them. You’re totally fucked. And considering how the average “IQ” of your government officials continues to plummet as your financial debt skyrockets, I’m surprised most of you haven’t just thrown your hands in the air and said “fuck this shit, I’m out of here”. If guys like Perry keep coming up with such brilliant plans to solve your problems, then it’s probably only a matter of time before you do.

Suicide Bombings are not political in nature

In a large Suffi shrine in Southern Pakistan, two young men with explosives strapped on their backs navigate nervously through a packed crowd. They are looking for an ideal place to murder as many of their fellow human beings as possible. The plan is surprisingly evil: the second boy is there to detonate himself the moment help arrives to care for the victims of the first attack.

As chance would have it, Umar Fidai‘s bomb didn’t discharge properly. It ended up only partially detonating, ripping away his left arm and tearing his insides apart. Before Umar could reach his grenade – a fail-safe given to suicide bombers allowing them a chance to still enter a martyr’s paradise – he was shot in the other arm by a police officer. Bleeding, incapacitated and watching the torment and pain of those around him, Umar felt shame and remorse at the sight of the medics and civilians rushing to their aid. Mere minutes before, all he could think about was the taste of the otherworldly fruits he would enjoy from such pious labor.

Young Umar is only 14 years old. What motivated him to commit his failed violent act was not political. It was religious. As I read his recollection of the events that led to his mangled state, I couldn’t help but feel that the seeds of his destruction, and of so many other victims, were planted long ago. The soil was fertile from a lifetime of indoctrination to dangerous and poisonous ideas. Umar’s targets were fellow Muslims, part of a different traditional set of doctrinal convictions, and therefore unbelievers. To the Taliban, the nearly endless supplies of human explosives – packed tight with anger, confusion, alienation, and ready to ignite with the mixture of religion- makes their task effortlessly easy. They need only light the wick and point.

You’ll often hear Muslim apologists refer to the problem of suicide bombing in political rather than religious terms. They do this to mask the terrifying reality of religious indoctrination, either deliberately or unknowingly. We ask why humans continue to commit atrocities – why we kill each other with impunity and cause untold misery and destruction – yet we refuse to accept the simple answer. It is unquestionably religion that creates the systemic barbarism, cruelty and ignorance of the world we live in. We have ample evidence of this. That it makes some happy is inconsequential. It should not enter into our minds as something worthy of consideration. Should you care if a drunkard is admittedly happier when he drinks if he later beats his wife and children as a result?

If you still cling to the notion of geopolitics as the root of the problem, why not ask the villains themselves? The very words of acolytes, saved from their own annihilation due to faulty mechanics, is a chilling wake-up call to apologists. It was their conviction paradise awaited them, not their political desires that motivated their actions. Until we stop denying the obvious, it’ll keep blowing up in our faces.

Interview with Jessica Ahlquist

Yesterday I posted a video of Jessica and her fight with Cranston West High School in Rhode Island over a prayer banner she sued to have removed. I thought she was so brave for doing this she deserved to have her interview posted, especially after I noticed that it only received 30 views so far. Surely we can do better, people!

Mike Huckabee is a nutjob

Behind his easy smile and non-threatening demeanor, Mike Huckabee is the worst kind of politician: he believes the Constitution should be amended to better “reflect” his own Biblical values. He sees religion as a primary source of both law and morality, and he even believes only those with a “Biblical world-view” should be governing:

He said that the kind of “Biblical worldview” taught at SCS [Statesville Christian School] was in the direction of unmitigated equality.
“I’d love the world to be lead by people who have a Biblical worldview,” he said.
“Wouldn’t it be an exciting thing to have leaders who believe all of us are equal?” he later asked.

Would this be the same “equality” that justified slavery for so many centuries? I wonder. In any case, his notion that leaders who have faith in the Bible would somehow hold hands and sing “kumbaya” is a joke: how many countries have gone to war over their own interpretations of the “good book”?

Huckabee also said when he grew up (in the town  of Hope, Ark., in the late 1950s and 1960s), folks were more open about their faith

During the 1950′s and 60′s, his Baptist brethren were still lynching black people and making them drink from separate water fountains. If anyone should have been ashamed of their beliefs, it should have been them.

Huckabee said part of such a worldview as is taught at Statesville Christian is the idea of absolutism that rejects moral objectivism and stipulates that some things “are always right” and others “are always wrong”.

Well, here’s a simple test of morality: if there is always an absolute right and an absolute wrong, then how would his great-grandparents feel about slavery being abolished? Why did our collective attitude about this “time honored” practice change if morality is absolute?

United Nation fail

When I was a younger ideologue, I used to think the the United Nation was a force for good in the world, providing aid and protection to citizens of countries ravaged by war, famine, and instability. I have since realized this institution is a bloated corpse, capable only of furthering the interests of the few countries who have a permanent seat on the security council. If anyone else in the UN decides to do anything at all to try and improve the world, they usually allow racist, bigoted countries the right to reduce the protection of sexual minorities, or even defend religious violence by declaring no one is allowed to speak out against them. That’s according to Staffan di Mistura, Special Representative and Chief of the United Nations Assistance Mission in Afghanistan.

Freedom of speech does not mean freedom of offending culture, religion, traditions, especially when there are so many of us, both civilians and frankly military, in many parts of the world and particularly in Afghanistan. So I think the main blame we have is about the irresponsible gesture that was made on that case. The proof is that those who entered our building were actually furiously angry about the issue about the Koran. There was nothing political there.”

So Staffan, what the fuck is left? If freedom of speech doesn’t include “offending” religious traditions, am I left with only the ability to criticize politics? What am I supposed to do when the two are invariably intertwined, especially when it comes to Islam??

Freedom of speech means people are allowed to offend others. That’s kind of the point. Without the ability to offend, free speech has no teeth and it’s completely ineffectual. Whether it’s burning a Koran or a Bible, people should be able to say what they want when they want. Without this ability, how can we even be sure we live in a just society?