Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Raped woman, jailed, denied access to morning-after pill

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There’s no denying the fact as of late, the religious right has been flexing its political muscle, and the result has been a steady erosion of women’s reproductive rights. It’s gotten so bad, in Mississippi a Federal Judge had to get involved when the state effectively declared war on abortion.

U.S. District Court Judge Daniel Jordan entered a temporary restraining order and set a hearing for July 11 to determine whether it should be extended. “In this case, plaintiffs have offered evidence – including quotes from significant legislative and executive officers – that the act’s purpose is to eliminate abortions in Mississippi,” Jordan found.

While that cluster-fuck is happening, other states are considering similar legislation that would effectively make it impossible for women to terminate their pregnancies.

If it isn’t religious people in government trying to fuck you over, it’s religious citizens ensuring your life is a living hell. Pharmacists, nurses, and other health care professionals are using ‘conscience clauses’ to deny people access to birth control or, in the case of one recent rape victim, a morning-after pill:

In the process of filing a report on the rape, a Tampa police officer discovered that there was an arrest warrant for R.W. She was taken to jail, and everything she had with her was confiscated – including her pill.

OK, I know she had an arrest warrant, but surely a woman who’s just been raped deserves better than a terrifying night in jail, not knowing if she is pregnant with her rapist’s baby. The prison guard who refused to allow her to take the pill, Michele Spinelli, claimed her religious beliefs forbade her from handing over the pill. Spinelli and the prison are now being sued, although “R.W” was luckily not pregnant (close one). Nevertheless, the gross misconduct of the entire prison establishment in allowing this nonsense to happen should not be treated lightly. I hope the financial incentive of not being sued into oblivion is enough to make sure we stop giving the fundies any more inroads.

Indian rationalist fights uphill battle for freedom

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A few months ago, Sanal Edamaruku, who heads the Indian Rationalist Association (you might remember him as the guy who challenged a witch doctor to put a death curse on him) was charged with ‘deliberately hurting the feelings’ of Catholics after he exposed a leaking Jesus statue as the fraud it was. He’s recently been denied anticipatory bail, and as a consequence, he’s currently hiding in Europe while he attempts to convince the Archdiocese of Bombay to pressure local bishops who filed the charges with police to drop them immediately.

There’s currently a petition circulating, and so far almost 7k people have signed. Naturally, we need to do substantially better. Fighting bogus blasphemy laws should be a big priority; how can we ever hope to grow as a movement if our brothers and sisters in rationality are being jailed simply for expressing doubt in false assertions. It just goes to show just how weak religious faith is when they have to silence us using the law, doesn’t it? Good luck Sanal, we’re all rooting for you!

Catholic Bishops in Uganda try to resurrect “Kill the Gays” bill

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When push comes to shove, religion poisons everything. Trouble is in its DNA, in its very structure. My God is the only god. His way is the only Way. That’s why I’m not surprised that Catholic bishops in Uganda – having previously spoken out against the “kill the gays” legislation proposed last year – joined in an ecumenical council of Anglican and Orthodox bishops attempting to resurrect it.

Content in their effort to help in the murder of innocent individuals, they followed up with this ironic statement:

At the same conference, the bishops reiterated their role in politics saying, “the church has a biblical mandate to challenge policies and practices that perpetuate injustice, marginalization or inequality.”

Oh, like the injustice of being killed for having same sex attractions? Only the cognitive dissonance of religion could ever explain such a statement. I feel the blood boiling in my veins as we speak…

It’s OK to lie to women about their pregnancy

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So, it turns out it’s totally OK to give false, misleading information to women seeking to terminate their pregnancies. America has essentially slowly lost its collective mind over the fact women need abortions, regardless of how Jesus lovers feel about it. Mississippi has managed to effectively make it impossible for anyone living in the state to get one (although the Feds had to get involved), and to make matters worse, the Anti-Choice movement has made another inroad recently in Baltimore, thanks to two conservative judges with their heads up their asses.

In an effort to undermine a serious health service, a non-profit organization called the Crisis Pregnancy Center effectively masquerades as Planned Parenthood clinics (often sharing a parking lot with them), giving false information, using scare tactics and and even deceiving ‘patients’ in order to ensure babies are born. The city of Baltimore was having none of that, and passed a law in 2009 that forced these ‘clinics’ to post a disclosure regarding their stance on abortion. These scumbags fought back, and now the Fourth Circuit court has decided to strike down this law, effectively declaring it legal to lie to women. This includes:

1: It’s ok to tell a woman that she isn’t pregnant in order to get her to term without her knowledge
2: It’s kosher to pretend to be a Planned Parenthood and give false information of the risks and emotional impact of abortion, since you’re lying for Jesus.
3. It’s fine to discourage women from using safe and effective forms of birth control using false information.
4. You’re allowed to scare the shit out of women using videos, pictures, and any other kind of propaganda available to you.

Keep in mind that CPCs outnumber Planned Parenthood five to one in most states, and these scumbags receive millions of taxpayer dollars to lie to vulnerable women.

Goat-Man wants you to have lots of babies

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So what do you do if your country is slowly accepting marriage equality, passing health care laws that disallow insurance companies from denying coverage, and even threatening to tax the rich? Why, you segregate yourself from society and form your own theocracy, that’s what!

In case you actually give a shit who this guy is, and why he has such a hideous/hypnotic beard, you should stop by his website, ChristianExodus.org. It’s a site dedicated to whackos seeking to retreat from a society they see as increasingly permissive and sinful. They’re pretty unhappy about the fact the Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of The Affordable Health Care Act (colloquially known as ‘Obama Care’), and they’ve decided to secede from a democratic republic and want to form some ill-defined theocratic kingdom.

The initial goal was to move thousands of Christian constitutionalists to South Carolina to accelerate the return to self-government based upon Christian principles at the local and State level. This project continues to this day, with the ultimate goal of forming an independent Christian nation that will survive after the decline and fall of the financially and morally bankrupt American empire.

If this sounds mildly familiar, it’s because every single scary cult in history has tried to do the same thing (I think some of these psychos called themselves Puritans at one point). These particular psychos dislike government, contraception and women who talk back:

The desire that the Woman has for the Man is to usurp his God-given authority. In a similar way
that women seek to supplant male authority, sin seeks to seduce the hearts of men.

Wow ladies, sounds like a swell bunch of guys, eh? If you don’t think that’s enticing enough, you should watch the whole video of ‘goat-man’ and the plans he has for your uterus…

Woman’s punishment for DUI is reading the Bible

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So you fucked up. You drove drunk, smashed into another car, and injured the passengers. Now you’re part of the legal system, and at the mercy of very human, and very flawed human beings who have a very tenuous grasp on the separation of church and state. The result is probation, and an odd book report on the book of Job.

Such is the fate of Cassandra Tolley, who wound up agreeing to this strange request from Judge Michael Nettles (which appears to be the only reason this hasn’t caused more uproar). He wants her to read the book of Job, which has a certain tinge of cruel irony to it. You see, Tolley is apparently a victim of abuse, which would certainly make her feel some sympathy with poor Job, who is tortured by God in order to win a bet with Satan.

The story is said to have a happy ending, but considering his entire family was annihilated, I’m not entirely sure having twice the livestock makes up for it. In any case, I hold to my statement that reading the Bible is the fastest path to atheism. What else are you supposed to conclude from the story other than God considers humanity no better than toys, to be used, abused, and discarded as he deems fit? What a swell guy! Can he have all my money?

Bringing STIs back for God

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So, as it turns out, sex is pretty popular, and over the past few decades, the use of condoms and other forms of contraceptives has helped decrease STI and pregnancy rates in places that actually bother to teach people real sexual education. Unfortunately for Americans, teaching has made way for preaching, and in this topsy turvy world, facts are the enemy.

Enter 1flesh, a website dedicated to preventing confused human beings from properly managing their reproductive organs. These religiously motivated douchbags are on a quest to get every man and woman to toss out their prophylactics and welcome a new age of barebacking. They’ve released t-shirts and other promotional materials in a bid to make giving out bad sex information look hip and cool.

The pseudo-facts on display include pimping out NPH and suggesting birth control has no impact on unplanned pregnancies. If that doesn’t outrage you, the ‘Birth control pills cause breast cancer’ tropes might. They’ve even thrown in some popular Internet memes in the mix in an attempt to make their lies seem hip.

…we got together — a group of college kids — to find the root of this mentality. (aka what the hell happened!?) Well, though any cultural change contains all sorts of contributing factors, we think we’ve narrowed all the wackness down to its primary cause: The widespread use of artificial contraception.

This is a dangerous idea. It’s dangerous because artificial contraception is heavily promoted by big pharmaceutical companies — like Bayer Corp. — and contraception providers — like Planned Parenthood. It’s dangerous because it’s not an idea supported by those in power. But most of all, it’s dangerous because it’s true.

I’ll tell you what’s fucking dangerous; super gonorrhea, herpes, AIDS and all the other nasty realities of what happens when people stop using protection. When your ‘enemy’ is a public health imperative, what does that mean for all the casualties of war who are influenced by these dangerous idiots?

We found, by looking at the best available analysis from sociology, medicine, philosophy and economics, that the widespread use of artificial contraception has failed to decrease STD prevalence, increased the global rate of HIV, seriously harmed the environment, screwed up relationships, and is strongly correlated with increased divorces, abortions, and unplanned pregnancies. We found that hormonal contraception significantly increases a woman’s risk of breast cancer, cervical cancer, heart disease, and may very well be lowering her sex drive. We found that the safety and effectiveness artificial contraception is often falsely advertised by pharmaceutical companies, and that the health benefits of hormonal contraception are totally exaggerated.

If by ‘the best analysis’ you mean distorting facts to fit your pre-determined conclusions (like claiming this report is against condoms, when all it says is that it’s not the only solution to the crisis)? What about not knowing the difference between correlation and causation? Eating tofu could be correlated with being good at ping-pong. Doesn’t mean shit. Oral contraception does not lead to cervical cancer; in fact, some studies even suggested the use of oral contraceptives could actually decrease the risk of ovarian cancer. Science must be pretty annoying to these guys.

Secretly I’m hoping the r/atheism reddit people flip out and spam the crap out of these assholes for daring to bogart their iconography. Boys and girls of interwebs, unite!

(Update: The site no longer exists, luckily)

10 pieces of advice young people should ignore

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Are you suffering from confusing relationship issues that can’t be solved with prayer? Don’t worry about a thing: The Gospel Coalition has the answers you’re looking for! Just read these insightful tips to ensure your marriage is a successful testament to the power of Christ, and not your own personal desires!

1. It’s not bad to want to have sex with your significant other. It’d be another sort of worry if you didn’t. The key is to want to glorify Christ more than you want to have sex with each other.

See, your first mistake was assuming your relationship is about you! It isn’t. It’s about a dead Jewish guy.

2. The key to glorifying Christ more than you want to have sex with each other is that it is a decision to be made over and over again.

Translation: bringing a deified virgin into the mix should prevent those lusty thoughts.

3. Persons in a dating or courting relationship are on their best behavior. So however they are now, you can expect, over time, for them to get “worse.” As familiarity grows, people let their guards down. Marriage does not fix bad behavior; it often gives it freer reign. Ladies, this means if your boyfriend is controlling, suspicious, verbally condescending or manipulative, he will get worse, not better the longer your relationship goes on. Whatever you are making excuses for or overlooking now, will get harder to ignore and more prominent the longer your relationship goes on. You can’t fix him, and marriage won’t straighten him out.

Hey, that’s actually good advice right there. Good thing it has nothing to do with religion! Except for this sounds rather sexist. Is it always the dude who needs to be straightened out?

4. Nearly every Christian I know who is married to an unbeliever loves their spouse and does not necessarily regret marrying them, but has experienced deep pain and discontent in their marriage because of this unequal yoking and would now never advise a believer to marry an unbeliever.

That’s cool, I usually tell my readers they should avoid marrying people who have not come to their senses.

5. Assuming you’re special and you’re different and their experiences won’t reflect yours is shortsighted, unwise, and arrogant. The people who love you and are warning/advising you against your relationship might be ignorant fools. Those sorts of people do exist. But odds are better that your parents, your pastor, your older married friends are wiser than you think.

This is pretty strange advice. It seems to suggest the best people to judge your relationship are other people. I assume a sexless priest came up with that brilliant notion.

6. Living together before marriage is a marriage killer.

If it can’t work because living together first was hard, why do couples think not living together first will somehow solve the problem?

7. Premarital sex de-incentivizes a young man to grow up, take responsibility, and lead his home and family.

You know what de-incentivizes me? Having cobwebs on my dick until I can pay for a wedding ceremony, that’s what. And what the hell does ‘lead his family’ mean? Are we building a house together or something?

8. Pre-marital sex wounds a young woman’s heart, perhaps imperceptibly at first but undeniably over time, as she trades in covenant benefits without covenant security. This is not the way God designed sex to fulfill us. Never give your body to a man who has not pledged to God his faithfulness to you in covenant marriage, which presupposes an accountability to a local church. In short, don’t give your heart to a man who is not accountable to anybody who provides godly discipline.

Well, occasionally something soft and pink will get damaged a little, but that’s nothing a little rest and relaxation can’t heal. As for this notion that God has a profound interest in who you’re fucking, it sounds more like the earthly concern of celibate dudes trying to tell everyone else how to live.

9. All of your relationships, including your romantic relationship, is meant to make Jesus look big more than it is meant to provide you personal fulfillment. When we make personal fulfillment our ultimate priority in our relationships, ironically enough, we find ourselves frustratingly unfulfilled.

You hear that? If your relationship doesn’t make JC look like the ‘Big Dog’, then you’re doing it wrong. Don’t you know you’re an insignificant ant compared to his largeness? Isn’t it ironic that when you don’t give your whole relationship to your imaginary friend, you feel unfulfilled? Oh wait, that’s not actually ironic. It’s just sad, really.

10. You are loved by God with abundant grace in Christ’s atoning work, and an embrace of this love by faith in Jesus provides Holy Spiritual power and satisfaction to pursue relationships that honor God and thereby maximize your joy.

I seriously doubt that the same people who are always forcing you to keep it in your pants are actually worried about maximizing your joy. More likely, they want to maximize your tithing, so they can continue to make sure that no one has a satisfying sex life, least of all you.

Still having issues with your significant other? How is that even possible with such life altering advice? It must be you. You’re the problem, sinner.

Mother’s letter to atheist son shows the divisive power of religion

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Here’s a tragic example of what happens when your loved ones are ensnared in the clutches of religious dogma:

My Darling Son David,

You are so very special to me and have always been the love of my life. I used to think when you were little that I would die for you, and live because of you. You meant the world to me and I will always love you very much.

Because of this love I always wanted you to have the happiest, safest life I could provide and tried to bring you up with the strongly held beliefs I lived by, in the hope that this would affect your own life for the good and ultimately you would live forever in Paradise on earth. You know all this be the case.

I personally have always believed in the Truth as presented in the Bible and have always felt the strong presence of Jehovah God and Jesus in my life, even as a child. I have always believed the prophesies in the Bible, and that there will be paradise on earth in which everyone will live in peace and love with no war, sickness and death, and that the dead will be resurrected due to Jehovah’s justice and fairness. I have always lived my life with all this in view, and have never sought a worldly, secular career or pathway. Becoming one of Jehovah’s Witness was the obvious next step for me.

This letter is being written by me with no outside coercion or influence because there are things I want to say to you. Being in the Truth had never been easy but when all is said and done, I am in it because of my belief in Jehovah, and what he has done for us, and will yet do.

I’m always a little suspicious whenever someone says specifically in a letter that they are not being coerced.

People will always let you down, and somehow we have to look above and beyond, at the bigger picture. So to say that some people who profess to be Christians live in ways that show them to be hypocrites is no exaggeration. But I strongly feel that whilst they may fool themselves and others, they can’t fool Jehovah, and “it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God”.

I have chosen my path and my way of life and so I must live by the commands and statutes laid down in the Bible by Jehovah himself. One of these commands has been the cause of great stress and grief to me, and I have put it off for too long now. I realize that I would have benefitted [sic] spiritually by doing things Jehovah’s way from the start, and I must emphasize that what I am about to say to you is not influenced by any other living person, but is purely directed by my conscience and a desire to regain my peaceful friendship with God. Nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to do.

I’m always really suspicious whenever someone claims not to have been coerced…multiple times in the same letter.

whilst this is the single most painful thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, I need to move forwards towards the goal of everlasting life, and to this end I deeply regret that I must terminate our relationship whilst you remain disfellowshipped.

I have cried myself dry over this situation, and it has broken my heart , but David you have known that it should have been handled this way from the start. You have chosen your path in life, and I wish you all the best. I want you to know that not only will my love always be there for you, but Jehovah too is waiting with open arms for your return.

Your loving mother, now and forever.

Her last line says it all; confused about her own delusion and her love for her son, she’s created an imaginary opening to have him back in her life: simply return to God and all is forgiven! Hey, it’s what Jesus would have wanted. He did say, after all, that you should abandon your families if they don’t believe in his ownership of all reality. How else are you suppose to manage a cult?

Joe the Plumber thinks science changing is bad

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First off, never trust a man who gives you a false name. His name is not Joe, he has never been a plumber, and because he said things stupid conservative people like, he’s been allowed to keep this ludicrous moniker. Like any quasi-celebrity looking for attention, he believes his limited understanding of everything gives him a shot at winning an election. What’s his platform? That the Bible is good because it’s never been changed, or that science is bad because it does!

Get this man in Congress now, he’ll fit right in.

Tortured logic allows gay man to continue hetero marriage

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One of the truly tragic things about Christianity is its propensity to label behaviors it arbitrarily decides are wrong as “sins”. This has caused all kinds of misery for individuals with a sexual orientation different from the majority of us. Gay Christians are often haunted by the idea that their sexual attraction to someone of the same gender is putting their “souls” (another childish concept we can’t seem to shake off) in imminent danger. Their solution, often times, is to deny the very fiber of their being, constructing elaborate justification for living a crazy lie.

One such poor bastard is Josh Weed, a proud Mormon who runs a site called “The Weed”. He’s recently come out of the closet, and he wrote a confused letter about his decision to stay married. While at first glance the letter may seem sweet and even charming, the underlying message is a hodgepodge of confusion and terrible advice.

sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing.

This sounds like it’s taken straight from the Tom Cruise playbook: focus on the intimacy of sex, in order to ignore the fact that you aren’t actually attracted to the person sucking you off. Hey, I agree that sex does have that element, but it’s also a dirty, raunchy affair that’s best enjoyed with someone who naturally gets your dick hard.

Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together

The passion may dwindle, but you might be hard pressed to find anyone willing TO SKIP OVER THIS PART. I would venture to guess that the guy has never actually been laid by a dude before, and his dismissing this important part of a relationship goes to show how little he knows about sex.

One of the sad truths about being homosexual is that no matter what you decide for your future, you have to sacrifice something. It’s very sad, but it is true… with homosexuality, the choices seem to be a little bit more mutually exclusive. If you are Mormon and you choose to live your religion, you are sacrificing the ability to have a romantic relationship with a same-sex partner. If you choose a same-sex partner, you are sacrificing the ability to have a biological family with the one you love.

This obsession with biology infuriates me, but it’s a consequence of religion’s insistence on humans to reproduce like wild bunnies. No doubt they long ago realized that to build a following, the quickest way to accomplish this is to ensure your acolytes have a bevy of kids. They usually end up just as fucked as their parents, ensuring generation after generation of people believe in utter nonsense. To pretend as though there are no options for having a family and being gay is both disingenuous and ignorant.

This whole article smacks of a profound ignorance on the issue of homosexuality. While Weed is correct in pointing to the fundamental incompatibility between his religion and his sexuality, their compromise seems to be “give up on your desires in order to have a family”. While such self sacrifice may appear noble, in truth it merely encourages others in similar situations to continue to deny a part of themselves, for no other reason than Joseph Smith’s twisted ideas on love and marriage.

In any case, I came out of this feeling sorry for Josh. He’s clearly a sweet man, but this living a lie thing has him spouting all kinds of dangerous nonsense. No one should be forced to deny their sexual attractions, least of all for purely biological reasons. I think this guy needs a cock up his ass, stat.

14 year old Made famous by his bigotry

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The key to spreading a message is to keep it simple, stupid. The reason is simple: most minds are only interested in confirming their pre-existing belief, and if your message requires a lot of introspection or even thinking, it’s just not going to make it big. This might be one of the reasons why actually educating someone’s position is infinitely more difficult. Brains dislike the hard work of coming to conclusions on their own. They usually like someone else doing it for them.

One group that seems to have mastered the “keep it simple” unsurprisingly comes from a land of Biblically educated cretins. They effortlessly give their hoards of unthinking masses plenty of talking points that sound, at least to them, somewhat compelling. Take Caiden Cowger, a 14 year old kid who hosts his own podcast. He recently published a show claiming homosexuality was a choice (and a sinful one at that) and President Obama and Biden were “making kids gay”. It doesn’t take very long to realize this kid doesn’t really have any opinions of his own: he’s just repeating the hateful bullshit he’s been hearing all his life. But because he lives in a world where no one bothers to scrutinize what you say, he’s free to continue to spread the hateful message of the religious right. It’s easy: all you have to do is repeat verbatim all the dumb shit you hear from your local preacher, or perhaps your conservative radio host.

Caiden doesn’t need to learn about biology, or psychology to have an opinion on homosexuality. He’s free to simply take whatever hateful message he hears coming out of other “conservatives” and rebroadcast it so the rest of the world can lament the waste of another human being lost in their own bigoted world view.

(Update: Caiden now writes for “The Family Council“)

Louisiana moving one step closer to educational black hole

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In an effort to completely erode any social progress made in the past 100 years, Louisiana, eager to outdo North Carolina and Texas in the crazy department, has decided to undermine public schools by attempting to make education entirely privatized. This serves two roles: it ensures that all education is to eventually be a for-profit industry (your health care should be a good indicator of how successful that strategy is), and it will allow religiously oriented schools the funding they so desperately need to teach children utter nonsense:

Far more openings are available at smaller, less prestigious religious schools, including some that are just a few years old and others that have struggled to attract tuition-paying students.

And what kind of subjects are students going to be “learning” at these private, religious institutions? Why, the basics of bullshit, of course!

Other schools approved for state-funded vouchers use social studies texts warning that liberals threaten global prosperity; Bible-based math books that don’t cover modern concepts such as set theory; and biology texts built around refuting evolution.

Bible-based math books? Are these the same geniuses who thought Pi was 3? Yeah, sounds like a perfect teacher’s tool, with all the answers in the back (hint: it’s something relating to our total annihilation). As for textbooks that “refute” evolution, I’m sure these will include the vigorous scientific research of the past hundred years…condensed into a 2 page spread about how Godless science thinks it has all the answers.

There are some who are arguing that the failing test scores of students in public schools would greatly increase, but the problem with this program is that while private schools may be required to make students take mandatory state tests, but there’s no punishment for schools which do poorly. They only have to make some bogus “accountability” program, something I doubt schools with a program specifically designed to undermine science would give a rat’s ass about.

What else do you expect from America? If something is failing, it’s automatically assumed that a financial incentive will fix it. If that were true, the country would benefit from the best health care in the world, and the most stable economy. Unfortunately, it’s precisely the opposite, but it seems you can’t convince these morons to stop doubling-down on their failing strategy.

How to prevent an alien abduction

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I know what you’re thinking: “Jacob, how do I stop aliens from kidnapping me and constantly raping my poor anus with their probes?”. Well, after searching long and hard (and by that I mean someone sent me a link), I think I’ve found the solution for you: build your own anti-spaceman helmet. If you visit StopAlienAbductions.com right now, you’ll get a number of important tutorials on how to build a crappy looking helmet that will let everyone know you haven’t been taking your medicine again:

The thought screen helmet scrambles telepathic communication between aliens and humans. Aliens cannot immobilize people wearing thought screens nor can they control their minds or communicate with them using their telepathy. When aliens can’t communicate or control humans, they do not take them

I guess they usually like to talk to their victims before they probe them. Makes sense to me! But what about this nagging feeling I have that I’m actually mentally deranged and should consult a doctor?

Aliens will try to stop you from wearing the helmet both mentally and physically. Remember that they can read your mind. Before you make one they may try to influence you that you don’t need one.

Well, that kind of takes care of any doubt you might be having, doesn’t it? You should take care never to leave your helmet just lying around, because…

If you are not wearing a hat they will go through your entire house looking for them. They will not, however, go into a locked cabinet. Before you make a helmet have some kind of cabinet or trunk that you can lock. That way they won’t take it…Aliens are unfamiliar with locks and the concept of a lock.

Sure, they might have the ability to travel thousands of light years, but their sophisticated level of technology is no match for a simple lock! If that doesn’t work, you can try dousing yourself and your possessions in perfume. They apparently also can’t stand the stuff.

Still not convinced? What about these powerful testimonials?

“The Thought Screen Helmet is working perfectly. I have not had contact with the aliens since I first started using it. Though twice now coming back from work, I have noticed lights following to the rear of my car, so now I take the helmet with me in the car in case I am abducted. “

Wow, lights following the rear of your car while driving on the road at night? Talk about creepy!

“I want to thank you and thank Jesus. The helmet works. …I don’t feel alone any more.”

If you are alone because you’ve scared everyone away with your wacky hat, that’s kind of a normal feeling, actually.

Well, I’m convinced. Time for me to get some materials and enjoy a life free of alien abductions (and friends)!

Homophobic preacher defends “punch” your gay kid comments

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A few weeks ago, Pastor Sean Harris learned two important lessons: 1) enticing any kind of child abuse publicly is a stupid idea because, 2) the Internet forgets nothing. So, with these important life lessons now firmly in mind, he’s issued a non-apology for saying fathers should give their gay sons a “good punch” for acting like girls.

“I was telling them in strong words that were not careful. What did I learn this week? Be more careful with your words”

And with that care, I give you his apology:

You know, it’s amazing how ‘punch’ has been equated to inciting violence against gay youth. That’s not what I meant.

Yes, there is some kind of amazement in what you’ve said, Sean. Only this kind is about how anyone who condones violence against children for having same sex attraction can say something this daft and not be immediately shamed back to the Bronze Age. Sean, do you seriously think we’ll believe that you were telling your parishioners all their gay sons needed was a “go get ‘em, champ” punch in the shoulder, or are you just being careful not to be open about your violent hatred of homosexuals? The whole “hate the sin and not the sinner” shit is just another form of this veiled hate, but it can only contain this kind of venom for so long. We can smell your disgust from here, Sean, and we don’t like it.

Luckily, the Internet is here so anyone can go back and hear these very words spoken by you at any time, thanks to the magic of streaming video. Your speech will undoubtedly be one of many used in a documentary someday showing just how shamefully ignorant many of us were, back in the day when you needed to fight for basic human rights. Like the Segregationists of old, these religious crusaders will be remembered as the last obstacle in the quest for not only marriage equality, but respect and dignity. Sean Harris may not have learned any real lessons, but the rest of us certainly did.