Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Annoying Pastor is actually secret pervert

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You know, I’ve always believed people who claim to want to stop debauchery, sin and vice were secretly engaging in these same activities. It explains why they think whatever they are railing against is a bigger deal than it actually is.

One such hypocrite is Pastor Grant Storms, a man who’s been fighting against the “debauchery” of New Orleans for nearly a decade:

A self-styled “Christian patriot,” Storms led a small West Bank congregation called The Reformer Church and for 10 years hosted “The Reformer Radio Show” on WSHO. Storms has railed against the Roman Catholic church, calling it “satanic” and “demonic.”

His merry band of assholes have been disrupting the festival for years, shouting hateful obscenities and forcing the city to issue an ordinance against bullhorns at the event (takes only a few people to ruin something, doesn’t it?).

He might have a bit of a harder time attracting his group back after he was caught masturbating in a van near a kid’s park by two female witnesses. When the police showed up to arrest him, he claimed that he was in fact trying to urinate in a beer bottle. Nice defense, dude.

Illinois school board backs creationism

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Illinois’s 95th District school board has just joined a distinguished group of ignoramuses who continue to undermine the educational futures of their progeny. The members of the board are all up for re-election, and all 4 candidates have said they support creationism being taught alongside evolution in science classrooms.

One even claimed it was evolution, and not his stupid Judeo-Christian based belief, that was “just a theory”.

Pietro [one of the candidates] believes creationism should be taught in science class to give students “as much information as possible” about the origins of life.

“I think we can say this is a theory,” he said Thursday. “None of us were here when man was created.”

I guess we can assume from his highly scientific “roundup” he’s the best person to dictate what students should be learning about biology here…

Creationism isn’t a theory. It makes no predictions, has no way of being tested, and is believed DESPITE the evidence. It’s a faith-based belief, and nothing more, and it deserves to be in science class as much as Holocaust denial deserves to be in a history class. Teach the controversy, people!

Think I’m being overly dramatic? If you lower the criteria of “theory” to the point where anyone with a bullshit crackpot idea is allowed to “teach the controversy”, how can we hope the education of our children has any fucking integrity?

Philippines joins Dark Ages

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Thanks to the progressive beliefs of Christianity, citizens in the small suburb of Alabang will need a prescription to buy birth control pills or condoms.

Violators of the ordinance’s provisions will be fined an amount no less than P1,000 but not exceeding P5,000 for the first offense. A second offense will be fined not less than P5,000 and will merit imprisonment for not less than one month but not exceeding six months. Violators will also be held civilly liable to the offended party.

So you risk jail time and getting sued because you put a piece of rubber over your penis? That seems totally reasonable.

According to the ordinance, the barangay views contraceptive pills, hormonal contraceptives, and IUDs as products that can kill children and injure the health of women who use them.

People have a pretty fucked up idea of what “children” means. If by kids you mean gametes that have half of the necessary chromosomes to even make a functional human, then yes, you’re “killing babies”.

Another great example of religion imposing stupid beliefs and making the world less safe as a result.

Sectarian peace in all its glory

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Nigeria is currently the battleground between Christianity and Islam. Since last year, over 2000 people have died fighting. Despite communities trying to sign various peace treaties with one another, every once in a while they just start attacking one another again. It’s a perfect example of the kind of division and strife that mutually incompatible beliefs cause.

The latest incident involves 18 Christians who were killed, and 12 were injured after being attacks by a roving gang armed with guns, cutlasses, and arrows (that’s pretty damn old school).

I can only imagine the situation getting worse, especially considering revenge killings are just a fact of life. All hail the religions of peace, and their uncanny ability to civilize mankind!

(update: That figure has since jumped to over 43,000 christians killed)

Hebrew concept of the earth

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Wow, it’s so close to the real thing, isn’t it? If this is the best God can do in terms of informing his “children” on the technical specifications of the Universe, it certainly explains why he did such a piss-poor job teaching other things, like morality and civics. Fail.

Trading hatred for love

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Homophobic crime is on the rise in England, and as you might have already guessed, the culprits are hiding behind a veil of religion to justify their bigotry.

The backlash is due to the growing recognition of gay rights, both to marry and adopt, and this has prompted groups motivated by improvable dogma to retaliate. One unidentified group is putting up stickers that say “gay free zone” along with a quote from the Koran.

In response to this, gay rights activists have gone on a campaign of “defacing” the stickers with the word “love” in an effort to combat this vile hatred.

Actor Wendy Richardson explained the rationale behind the group’s response.

“Rather than get angry with the people who did it, we decided to counter it with some love. We’re a cross section of people, of all races and sexualities – gay, straight and bisexual – saying it’s just not appropriate.

“But we thought – you know what? We’re not going to hate you back. It sounds a bit wet, but takes a lot of courage.”

It’s nicer than the tactic I would have employed, but then again I’m a crusty bastard with little tolerance for stupidity and blind bigotry. Good for them for taking the high road!

The New Tithe

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I can’t imagine a bigger waste of money than giving it to churches. Seriously. It would actually be more productive if you threw it away in the garbage, since at least in this instance some poor homeless guy might actually find some of it.

The image we have in our head of where the money goes (like homeless shelters, adoption agencies, etc) doesn’t match the reality. Even if it did, do you honestly want a bunch of nonsense mixed in with such essential services? I sure don’t.

Legislation considering ending protection for faith-based healing

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Oregon has finally started coming to its senses, and all it took was a bunch of kids dying of highly preventable deaths. The State is introducing a bill that would end religious immunity for parents who rely solely on “faith” to heal their children.

I’ve written about the “Followers of Christ” on many occasions; it’s a church that so far has an appalling death toll, all from illnesses that were extremely treatable. The parents, who had previously been able to get off scot-free or with an extremely light sentence, would no longer be able to hide behind their stupid dogma to defend their parental failure.

Legislators and prosecutors hope the threat of long prison sentences will cause church members to reconsider their tradition of rejecting medical treatment in favor of faith healing.

“This will level the playing field so all parents will be operating under the same rules,” said Clackamas County District Attorney John Foote. “It’s going to make it easier to hold parents accountable who don’t protect their children.”

What I like about this proposed bill is it finally recognizes the lives of children supersede improvable and dangerous dogma. Now, if we could only make people realize religion is itself a form of child abuse, we’d be halfway there.

Ted Olson schools Chris Wallace

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It doesn’t get simpler than that, does it folks? Gay marriage isn’t about creating new laws; it’s about upholding the Constitution, and granting the same rights to every citizen in the Republic. Christian Evangelicals and Catholics like to dance around the fact this segment of society is still second class citizens. They try to play on our prejudices, but this tactic will ultimately fail, and splinter their own churches. If there’s an issue that can destroy the power of these churches, it’s definitely gay rights.

South Dakota wants to make killing abortions doctors legal

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I wish this was satire, or some kind of sick joke, but unfortunately, a bill under consideration in South Dakota is changing the definition of justifiable homicide to include:

Homicide is justifiable if committed by any person while resisting any attempt to murder such person, or to harm the unborn child of such person in a manner and to a degree likely to result in the death of the unborn child…

That’s right, people. This law would be the equivalent of painting a target sign on every abortion provider in the state.

The law is complete garbage; no state can make it a crime to perform a Constitutionally lawful act, but you can bet the pro-lifers (the irony of that name will never cease to astound me) will see this as justification if they decide to start taking the law into their own hands. All they need to do now is get the law passed, and leave a few guns hanging around some of their crazier members, and presto: no more abortions!

It’s already hard enough to get an abortion there. Not only does the doctor have to offer a sonogram, he also has to read out a script meant to discourage her from going through with it.

“The abortion will terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique, living human being.” Until recently, doctors also had to tell a woman seeking an abortion that she had “an existing relationship with that unborn human being” that was protected under the Constitution and state law and that abortion poses a “known medical risk” and “increased risk of suicide ideation and suicide.” In August 2009, a US District Court Judge threw out those portions of the script, finding them “untruthful and misleading.” The state has appealed the decision.

I guess making it seem legal to kill the doctors is the next logical step, right?

Christians want the right to discriminate against gays

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You hear it over and over again: Christians are complaining as gays gain rights (the same rights as everyone else, in fact), they begin to lose theirs. More particularly, their “right” to openly discriminate is being challenged, and as people get sacked or lose career opportunities because of their bigotry, they’re crying foul.

Recently, a Christian doctor, Hans-Christian Raabe, who had been foolishly appointed to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs in the UK, was sacked after it was discovered he had co-authored a bigoted study linking gays with pedophilia:

He co-authored a study called “Gay Marriage And Homosexuality: Some Medical Comments in February 2005.” The article said that, while the majority of homosexuals are not engaged in pedophilia, there is a disproportionately greater number of homosexuals among pedophiles.

“My appointment has merely been revoked as a result of my views on matters completely unrelated to drug policy,” Raabe complained in comments published the same day by the Daily Mail newspaper.

It turns out his appointment had already drawn a great deal of criticism (stemming from his “abstinence” stand on all drugs), and when the board found out he had co-authored the study, several members threatened to quit if he wasn’t removed.

His fellow co-religionists are crying foul, saying this is discrimination and the board is anti-Christian. So far, they seem unable to grasp the concept that bigotry is not something society is feeling altogether tolerant about. Had Raabe written a study linking lower IQ with race or gender, he would have been a pariah just the same.

No society can be tolerant of all views and ideas. It’s impossible. You cannot hope to have a free society and allow the systematic discrimination of a group based on their sexual orientation, color, or gender. The perception of Christians that their right to “practice their religion” is being infringed upon is a shield to mask their refusal to accept that homosexuality is not a choice, and certainly not a sin.

Society is taking a stand for the equal treatment of all individuals, and the xenophobic practices and beliefs of many religions will be marginalized as a result. It’s no great loss.

Winnipeg Muslims unhappy with music and co-ed education

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Canadians are a bunch of sobbing vaginas (I say this being an actual citizen of the country). We’re always paranoid of acting in an abusive or forceful manner that we allow all kinds of ridiculous shit to happen on our watch.

The most recent example involves a dozen Muslim families living in Winnipeg that have complained the music and co-ed physical education programs are un-Islamic. Rather than tell them to fuck off and crawl out of the 8th century culturally, school officials are bending over backwards to accommodate these ridiculous demands.

Is there anyone with a brain and some balls willing to tell these families what we’re all thinking?

Mahfooz Kanwar, a member of the Muslim Canadian Congress, says he has some better ideas.

“I’d tell them, this is Canada, and in Canada, we teach music and physical education in our schools. If you don’t like it, leave. If you want to live under sharia law, go back to the hellhole country you came from or go to another hellhole country that lives under sharia law,” said Kanwar, who is a professor emeritus of sociology at Mount Royal University in Calgary.

Kanwar has some interesting things to say about the failure of multiculturalism, and I have to agree here. All it’s done is ghettoize immigrants and made it impossible for many of them to assimilate to the values and traditions of Western countries. We tend to forget all the positive advancement we’ve made in civil liberties and assume (incorrectly) cultures are equally tolerant and equally just. It just isn’t so, and we need to stop fucking pretending it is.

If those Muslim families in Winnipeg don’t want their kids to benefit from our educational system, then they should take a trip back to their theocratic hellholes.

Carl Sagan vs creationists

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Oh Carl, why did a random mutation in your cells have to lead to your ultimate and early demise? We could certainly use you now to debate the same pathetic arguments that creationists were, and still are using. Where are all the transitional fossils? Where the fuck is the proof of your non-theory?

Happy Lupercalia

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I hope you have your goatskins ready for the festival of health and fertility, everyone! It’s time to honor Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled Remus and Romulus (no, not the Star Trek planets) when they were abandoned orphans. To properly celebrate, be sure to have 2 dogs and a goat ready to be slaughtered with a knife, and when someone wipes the blade still fresh with their blood on your forehead, remember that you’re expected to laugh and smile. I don’t want to see any frowns, people!

Of course if that’s a bit too morbid for you, you can always celebrate the Christian holiday that was meant to replace it: St. Valentine’s Day, named after several saints who were martyred. Of course, rather than celebrate the execution of deluded idiots, you can instead cater to the gods of the greeting card industry and succumb to the societal pressure of doing something romantic with your girlfriend. If it makes you feel any less bitter, you never really had a choice anyway, man.

For the rest of you single guys and girls, I suggest you forget about this yearly reminder of your romantic inadequacy and instead focus on finding some dogs to ritualistically slaughter…