Author Archives: Jacob Fortin

Cartoonist attacked by Muslim fundamentalist

Posted on by

You can’t start the New Year without a religious nutjob trying to murder someone they perceive as a threat to their way of life. Remember back in 2005 when the Muslim world was freaking out about a bunch of stupid cartoons depicting Muhammad as a terrorist? Turns out Kurt Westergaard, arguably the most high profile cartoonist involved, was attacked in his home yesterday by a radical Somali Muslim.

Kurt is thankfully alive, since he managed to flee inside his panic room and set off the alarm (guess he planned ahead). His axe wielding assailant (interesting choice of weapons I suppose) tried to then escape, attacking a police squad that later shot him in the shoulder and knee to bring him down.

I imagine Islamic apologists will say Kurt brought this kind of thing on himself by “insulting” their precious religion. Moderates may try and condemn the attack, but they still claim the cartoons are sacrilegious. It’s like an open invitation the more radical segment of their own faith to take drastic and murderous action against “offenders”; think of it as a bullshit “bad cop, good cop” routine where one guy beats the shit out of you while his partner begs you to confess for your own safety.

Westergaard was taken to a secret location while things cool off, but his defiance in light of threats on his life leads me to believe it’s only a matter of time before he gets iced by some radical Islamic madman for the crime of blasphemy. Isn’t religion grand?

Rick Warren wants $900,000 in 2 days

Posted on by

Apparently God is broke, since in the news today Pastor Rick Warren called on his flock to donate an extra $900,000 to make up for a serious shortfall in the Church’s income. The recession hit everyone pretty hard according to Rick, which means regular tithers have opted to keep money for food rather than for the church. Warren has sent out a letter encouraging those who were not affected by the crisis to increase their regular donations to compensate, and to allow them to continue their programs.

The weird thing here is Warren wants to raise this money in two days, which seems sketchy. The Church doesn’t release their financials, so you have to take Rick at his word that the money is needed. Now before you start thinking he’s probably just using the money to buy himself new suits or golden Bibles, consider the fact the guy actually gives 90% of his income to the church since the success of his book. At least he puts his money where his mouth is. If it wasn’t for his raging homophobia, I might actually like the guy.

My problem lies in the fact he refuses to explain exactly WHY he needs the money so quickly, and where it will all go. Imagine a friend of yours called you up out of the blue and started pressuring you to give him thousands of dollars without specifying exactly how he would be using it. Odds are you might be a little suspicious, even if your friend was a “man of God”. Did Ricky have some crazy losses in the stock market? Maybe he borrowed a bunch of money from mobsters and needs to pay them back or something; my point is unless you tell people why the fuck you need so much money in a short amount of time, it’s pretty damn sketchy.

Another honor killing in Germany

Posted on by

A few hundred years ago, when the world was a vastly different place, the slaughter of young women for the preservation of honor was a common occurrence. In strongly patriarchal societies, women were seen as disposable, and for cultures obsessed with their honor and reputation, honor killings became a way for families to regain social currency. If you had the stones to murder your daughter for almost no reason, you gained a lot of respect.

In Germany the problem is still pretty rampant, despite the best effort of police to clamp down on it. A young woman identified by the courts as “Gulsum” was murdered when her Kurdish father learned that she had lost her virginity and had an abortion. She was lured to a secluded location where she was strangled and clubbed to death. According to the court, her face was smashed to a pulp.

A judge has given the father a life sentence in jail, though it’s a small comfort in light of the fact this beautiful woman with an enchanting smile has ceased to live because of a stupid and inhumane tradition. Honor killings have a long history, which is precisely why they are so awful and barbaric; besides, how many practices from the ancient world do you know of that are pleasant and friendly? Can we all please stop living like we’re in the 3rd century? It’s fucking embarrassing.

LAPD no longer affiliated with Boy Scouts

Posted on by

According to the Boy Scouts of America, you can’t camp in the woods with their little troop if you’re gay, agnostic or an atheist. That was kosher 20 years ago, but now that these groups are “out of the closet”, the BSA is starting to look like the bigoted small minded institution it really is. The Los Angeles Police Department, which had a program with the group since 1962 to help encourage kids to explore policing as a career, have disassociated themselves from the organization, saying that the values of tolerance and acceptance are too important to simply ignore.

The LAPD will now be designing their own program that won’t discriminate based on sexual orientation or religious belief. It helps that the police commissioner is openly gay himself (it’s LA people), and I hope the move prompts other government organizations to drop them like a bad habit. Don’t forget that the BSA gets to use public funds and government property despite failing to meet basic requirements of civility and good citizenship. It’s time for the organization to change; if they don’t, they may find themselves on the wrong side of history. Good for the LAPD for standing up for the little guys; it almost makes me like the police for once (I said almost).

Apparently the Crusades weren’t even that bad!

Posted on by

Excusing the Crusades and Inquisition is as simple as mentally separating the actions of your church from the values they supposedly espouse to. We’re all sinners in their eyes, so it can’t be helped that even men of the cloth committed terrible atrocities. If you’re not convinced from this line of reasoning, you aren’t alone, which makes the following video quite painful to watch. Here we have a group of young well meaning Christians “informing” us the Crusades really weren’t that bad, and it was the fault of the people inside the organization rather than the Church itself.

Does it surprise me a religion based on absolution of sin would be so quick to pardon the crimes of their forefathers? Not really. These are the same guys who think salvation is possible no matter the terrible bad shit you’ve done, since their Messiah “paid” for all your sins in advance. Believing in Jesus is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card if I’ve ever seen one. Forget responsibility: you’re an evil sinner who can’t even control your own actions. Luckily, Zombie Jesus will whisk you up to heaven if you beg him hard enough. What a deal!

If you have any questions for these deluded idiots, feel free to give them a shout.

O Holy Night!

Posted on by

Hey, remember this post I put up a few months back? Well, since Christmas is coming up, I have an excuse to put it up again. You can’t have a merry Christmas without playing this at your holiday party. Guaranteed to get a shitload of laughs, especially if the audience is filled with “Christmas cheer”.

Father Tim Jones is crazy

Posted on by

I’ve been poor my whole life, and there have definitely been times when I’ve been tempted to steal shit when I was desperate. Luckily, I’ve always had good friends to help me out, and I never made any terrible mistakes. Of course, I also never had this guy as a priest, Father Tim Jones who has recently caused controversy when he told his parishioners that it was OK to shoplift.

Father Jones is very specific when he refers to who you can and cannot steal from; big business is OK, since according to him the cost of the theft would be passed on to other more wealthy customers. I guess to him it doesn’t matter that for many people on a tight budget, ballooning costs from shoplifting might exacerbate their problems. Then again, he’s not exactly the brightest guy in the world:

He said he offered the advice “with a heavy heart”, and wished society would recognize that bureaucratic ineptitude and systemic delay had created an “invitation and incentive to crime for people struggling to cope”.

Now I admit there are some people who are really in dire straights, and perhaps to these poor people the temptation to simply take what they need is overwhelming. My worry is that this douchebag is forgetting shoplifting isn’t without consequence, and this bad advice could lead his flock astray. To you and me, Father Jones is really only an expert in nonsense, but to his parishioners he is a man with a direct line to God, and this weighty position comes with a few responsibilities. One of these should be their protection, but I guess he’s too busy “raging against the man” to worry about that.

Why don’t you entice your wealthier congregants to help out the less fortunate instead, sir? It certainly would be better advice, since no one will need to spend Christmas in jail.

Chuck Norris needs a history lesson

Posted on by

I should probably be resigned to the fact Chuck Norris is insane and leave it at that. Unfortunately, his cult like status in society, helped largely by “Chuck Norris facts” which were an Internet phenomenon, seems to allow him a soapbox to preach his insane gospel.

His latest tirade is directed against President Obama, who he feels has failed to put enough emphasis on Jesus during Christmas time. It seems that unless you are telling everyone Jesus is the Lord of the Universe every ten seconds, you’ve failed as a President.

As with many of you, I still remember a day even in Washington when Christ was central to Christmas. It was an America that was far less politically correct – an America that wasn’t afraid to stand up for its belief in the babe who was born in Bethlehem.

When was this Chuck? Presumably also back in the day when it was OK for black people to have their own drinking fountains too, eh? Norris likes to point to the fact that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson loved Christmas, which he believes means they must have loved Jesus as well. He’s blind to the fact Jefferson was accused by his opponents of being an atheist, and Washington, well, his parties seemed to be a lot more fun than the kind Chuck is probably used to. Here’s a testimony from one of his escaped slaves:

She says that the stories told of Washington’s piety and prayers, so far as she ever saw or heard while she was his slave, have no foundation. Card-playing and wine-drinking were the business at his parties, and he had more of such company Sundays than on any other day.

I’m sure in his mind, the Founding Fathers were men of God. He believes this because he needs it to be true (how devastating would it be if he ever admitted many founding fathers had a disdain for religion?); he’s not a particularly smart man, and the concept of intellectual integrity is no match for his roundhouse kicks!

Prosperity Gospels makes me sick

Posted on by

When economic times are rough, Prosperity Gospels flourish. Prosperity churches preach that faith in God ultimately leads to material wealth for those he favors. The charismatic preachers who espouse this philosophy are usually dressed in fine clothing, despite in America, members of these types of churches are typically much poorer than other congregations. That’s because most of these preachers equate faith to amount donated to the church. It’s a brilliant scam really; give me more money, says the preacher, and God will favor you more in the future (just don’t fucking hold your breath).

Joel Osteen (who looks like the bad guy in Shanghai Knights) is the latest jackass to try this routine, and here he is interviewed on CNN telling people to have more faith in the economy, and this will somehow fix it. According to this Atlantic article written shortly after the financial crisis, Prosperity Gospel was actually one of the reasons people had taken on loans for houses they could not afford, being assured by their ministers that God would “find a way” for them to be prosperous.

Think of it as people being dangerously and foolishly positive when it comes to their finances. Now this fucking jackass is trying to revive this movement, and he’s filling up stadiums with desperate people seeking answers and the promise of more wealth. I just hate the fact that anyone allows these kinds of charlatans to tell them how to live their lives, despite the reality members of prosperity churches are typically poorer than their counterparts.

Boy has 42 needles stuck in body during bizarre ritual

Posted on by

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this story for hours, and I still can’t figure it out. It seems as though a 2 year old boy was the victim of a bizarre religious ritual which involved sticking “blessed” sewing needles into his body, some of which punctured his heart, his lungs, and other vital organs. His stepfather, Roberto Carlos Magalhaes, claims he did this while under a supposed trance from his secret lover, a woman named Angelina Ribeiro dos Santos. Dos Santos paid to have all 42 needles blessed by a priestess of a religion called Candomble, which I won’t go in detail about (it’s like any other form of animism: stupid and pointless). Over the span of a month, all of them were shoved in various places in his body. Fucking horrible, no?

The most annoying part of this article has to be when the director of Afro-Brazilian studies at the University of Brasilia, Nelson Inocencio, expressed concern that this incident might lead people to be prejudiced against other Afro-Brazilian religions, which he argues do not have a history of harmful rituals. I think any belief that allows you to simply make shit up is harmful, regardless of its history. I’m sure once upon a time plenty of religions didn’t have violent or harmful practices; they just evolved naturally over time (you start to sacrifice simple shit to your gods, and next thing you know you’re throwing virgins into a volcano). It’s not like Candomble is based on objective reality anyways, so why are we surprised when some of its practitioners start doing crazy shit? It would be such a shame if people stopped believing in nonsense, right Nelson?

Christians have no sense of humor

Posted on by

When I originally saw this billboard, I assumed it was actually the work of some clever atheist group wanting to poke fun at Christians; imagine my surprise to find out that it was actually commissioned by an Anglican church called “St Matthew’s in the City”. The billboard was up for a total of 5 hours before someone defaced it, proving once more that Christians have a poor sense of humor concerning their own ridiculous beliefs. I suppose if I believed in something so fantastically silly as a virgin birth, I might also be a little insecure myself.

Church spokesperson Clay Nelson was surprised people reacted so negatively, especially considering the billboard was the least provocative ad they had brainstormed about. They had turned down a sperm coming down with “Joy to the World” written above. I’m not even sure that one makes any fucking sense, but they sure are a ballsy bunch.

Of course the Catholic Church was dismayed, saying the images were disrespectful. Yeah, seeing Mary and Joseph naked together is shocking! Considering Jesus had siblings, they had to have fucked at some point, so I have no idea why Christians are so upset over the thought of their saints “shagging”. It’s probably the only half decent human thing I’ve ever seen these two characters do, since most of the time they’re depicted as hapless idiots trying not to get in the way of their supposed deity of a son.

Somali man stoned to death for adultery

Posted on by

I’ve written a few articles in the past about how fucked up Somalia is, including how Sharia Law is quickly becoming the order of the day. The latest disgusting act of cruelty was the recent stoning of Mohamed Abukar Ibrahim for the crime of adultery. He was buried up to his torso, and the local residents of Afgoye, a small village 20 miles from Mogadishu, were forced to watch as members of the radical group Hizbul Islam stoned him to death.

Normally, this kind of insanity is performed by the even crazier al-Shaabab, but I guess they were too busy amputating thieves to bother.

Africa is the new battleground for religion, and the bodies are starting to pile up. Rationalism and common sense can’t compete against superstition, irrationality, fear, and cohesion. Is everyone in that country crazy? Of course not, but the crazy ones are obviously in control, and they won’t be happy until everyone sees the world in the same twisted way they do.

Where did all the cults go?

Posted on by

If you haven’t listened to the podcast recently, you might have missed a subject I briefly talked about last show. I was talking about a little known organization called the Cult Awareness Network, and their ties with Scientology. It’s a bit of a complicated story, so you’ll have to bear with me while I explain it.

In 1978, the tragedy of Jonestown led to the creation of an organization dedicated to identifying and combating cults. It was dubbed the Cult Awareness Network, and it became the largest organization of its kind in the US. One of their big opponents was Scientology, which they correctly identified as being a dangerous cult of greed.

In 1995, a young man named Jason Scott was kidnapped by a deprogrammer named Rick Ross, and because Jason’s mother had been referred to Mr. Ross by CAN, they were sued successfully for US$1 million. Around the same time, the Church of Scientology organized a massive litigation campaign, convincing 50 of their members to sue the organization simultaneously. The suits crippled the organization, which had to declare bankruptcy.

But this was not the end of the Cult Awareness Network. Shortly after they went bankrupt, Steven Hayes, a Scientology attorney and the man behind the suits, bought CAN in bankruptcy court for $20,000. Now, the “New” CAN puts all of its focus on fighting for “religious tolerance” (go visit their website; it’s fucking creepy). What was once a thriving organization fighting against destructive cults has ironically enough been commandeered by one of the most aggressive cults in the world. It’s no joke that if you call them up, you’ll probably be talking to a Scientologist.

This is just one small example of how Scientology uses the court system to try and bully, intimidate, silence, and occasionally destroy their opponents. They are simply following the advice and edict of their pseudo-god, L. Ron Hubbard:

The purpose of the suit is to harass and discourage rather than win. The law can be used very easily to harass, and enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway . . . will generally be sufficient to cause his professional decrease. If possible, of course, ruin him utterly.

The usurpation of CAN is a sad testament to the fact that so far, these scumbags are winning. Feeling depressed yet? I know I am…

This guy is scary, but luckily he just died

Posted on by

Say what you will about Oral Roberts; at least he wasn’t boring. This guy was a pioneering televangelist, who basically invented the idea of scamming people out of their hard earned money on TV. In 1977 he claims he had a vision of a 900 foot tall Jesus urging him to construct a hospital, which he did. He also started a crazy Christian school, and despite the most famous of his graduates being a fictional character (Ned Flanders), it’s still in operation despite having gone massively into debt (having found a generous and obviously pious contributor). He died today, which I regard as stellar news.

In this video you can hear his painful/hilarious opinions about intercourse, including how “wild and crazy” gay sex is. Does anyone else find it slightly ironic that a man named Oral would be so objectionable towards fellatio? Just sayin’.